I can't sleep

Can't seem to make myself go to sleep tonight, my mind is full as it is so many nights, I walked down to the beach and looked at the beautiful reflection of the moon on the Ocean, it calmed me some.  I can't seem to get into words all that I'm feeling tonight.  Am I sad?  No far from it.  Am I happy?  Yes, very but, does there always have to be a but.  Am I scared?  Yes, I'm terrified.  What are you scared of?  Me.  Who is this me that is trying so hard to get out, so hard to be known?  Am I lonely?  I have Baby here with me tonight so not really lonely.  Ok maybe now I know a little more of what I'm feeling.  Baby is laying in the bed, waiting for me to come back to bed.  I think I can sleep now. 

Florida

Florida

What makes you come alive

I've been asking myself this question a lot lately.  If you had permission to do what you really wanted to do, what would it be.  I'm not asking how, that will cut your desire off at the knees.  My life as an adventure.  Sometimes I think our desires are buried deep and it takes some unearthing to get to them.  I think we should pay attention to our desire.  Sometimes the clues are in our past, in the moments when we found ourselves loving what we were doing.  The details change as we grow, but the  themes remain the same.  I love reading everyone's journals and reading about the things they love.  With Judi it's her art, http://journals.aol.com/judithheartsong/newbeginning/ it makes her alive, and just looking at her art makes me feel alive.  What a wonderful gift.  With Carol, http://journals.aol.com/eynl/HappeningsduringtheairIbreathe/ , it's her love for life and her family.  Peachy, http://journals.aol.com/jcgeorgiapeach/ThePeachPages/ her love for writing and letting you escape and be brought somewhere wonderful in her writings, an adventure just in everyday life, through her love for her family and all of mankind.  Barb, http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/LETTERSTOHEAVEN/, and her letters to heaven that speak to our soul, she brings inspiration to my life everyday.   I could go on and on.  I love these journals they speak to my heart everyday.

 

What did you always dream of doing or being.... and is it still alive in you?

Remembering You

REMEMBERING YOU
By Derek

The depth of this realm is simply to vast.
Once I tried to maneuver people.
Now I use that power to manipulate words.
How bright will my light be?
How long will the aches of the past last?
I will go on and shine in doing so.
The respecet that I show myself
GROWING!
The good deeds that I do for others
GROWING!
My dreams
GROWING!

Why does one want what he can't have?
Is it the bite of denial that entices us?
I am strong in saying it was never just lust.
Why did yout touch the beat of my heart?
I struggle to hold onto my grace...
While lying in the dark.
To forget would be the ultimate sin.
You were given to me...if only for a while
To aid in my survival...is to always remember your smile.
This is what's happening when I'm
Remembering YOU.

Last day

Autumn and i just got back from a walk on the beach, the moon was beautiful.  We started talking about Mema, she said Mema is in Heaven, and I said yep and I bet she's looking down on us smiling.  And she yelled, I love you Mema.  I was thinking the same thing.  I'm actually getting a little sad tonight is their last night here.  I've enjoyed watching her tonight while Sherry and Mark go out on a little date.  I'm wore out too.  How again do you guys do this every day.  God bless all the parents out there.  What an awesome job you have!

Just woke up

Well boy do I have a house full.  But I love it, Sherry's boyfriend Mark grilled some of the best salmon I've ever had.  Jerk Salmon over a bed of rice, with a nice salad on the side.  Sherry made a yummy lemon pie for dessert, I'd be as big around as a house if they were here long.  Autumn is as sweet as ever.  She really knows how to work Uncle Derek, she'll change the pitch just one octive and say P-L-E-A-S-E and that is all it takes.  Those big blue eyes of hers doesn't hurt any either.  Wish I had the day off so I could spend with them, but it's off to work I go!  I had some pretty awful dream last night, kind of weirded me out.  Maybe I need to write Jojolona see what she thinks.  Tonight I get to Autumnsit, while Sherry and Mark go out on the town.  Looking forward to that, I can hear her now, "Tell me a story"

Day at the beach

Well it was nice taking the day off and spending it with my brother, sister, niece, and Sherry's boyfriend Mark.  We had a nice day, spent most of it on the beach,  Then Mark grilled chicken and dogs,  it was very tasty.  Had a great time.  I'm pooped, just got home and tried to pick up some, they are coming to spend tomorrow and Thursday here with me too.  I'll write more later.  Don't let the bedbugs bite!

I feel a long entry coming on

How often of the day are you being true to yourself?  Can you say yes, when you mean yes, and no when you mean no?  Why is Derek asking so many questions today.  Well I had a aweomse weekend.  My friend J came down from Atlanta Friday, and we had a wonderful time catching up, and talking about life, and having fun on the beach.  One of our conversations was about love, and he mentioned how confusing it was to him.  And he wondered if he really even knew what it was.  So the last couple of days I've been thinking about it.   A lot I guess.  Thinking of past loves, memories, mistakes, trying to be sure not to make the same mistakes again.   I don't write a whole lot about what I feel about love, but maybe it's time I share some of my viewpoints.  They may be a little diffrent, but maybe not so diffrent after all.  Seems like love is on everybodies mind these days, mine included.  Everyone has that need to connect.  Ok, I have met someone, it's just been recent, I really havn't dated or anything in the last year and a half, so this is all pretty new again to me.  But it feels good.  Scary at times but all in all it feels good.  Notice I said scary at times.  Seems fear is always the enemy no matter what subject we are talking about.  I think the pain we suffer in relationships are because of staying faithful to our fears and to a past that no longer serves us.  Our unwillingness to grow is the painful part.  I wrote that poem the other day to myself.  I want to get it right for a change.  We have choices, a choice between freedom and fear, drama and passion, lust and love.  A long time ago I thought everything was kind of left up to chance or fate.  I think Love is up to us.  Scary for me to even say the word sometimes, much less write about it.  When J shared his thoughts to me about love, I just told him, I think it's up to us, the love in our lives depends on how we perceive ourselves.  We need to be accepting of ourselves.  He then took a little bit of a defense and replies with how we have to protect ourselves, watch our backs.  I told him I understand him feeling that way, we've all been hurt.  There's so much to love to me.  One of the most overwhelming feeling to me about love is desire.  I don't want to let in blindsigh me, I've done this before in thepast.  This is not really a subject I talk about much, so changing the subject.  So why all the talk about love and relationships.  Guess I'm just happy and scared, and you know what it's ok to be.  I have met someone I'd love to get to know better.   I'm not going to run into it with my blinders on.  I'm happy to feel this way.  Just take it day by day, that's about all I can do.  Love is messy don't you think.  It's rarely what we think it should be, and we are rarely what we would like to be when we are in love.  On one hand we want love to be enough, yet on the other hand, we are rarely satisifed with the love we have, so fear and love battle it out.  For me I've become silent when i wanted so to connect,  I've jumped in fast when I knew I must slow down.  I've acted cool, when i really was hot.  I smiled on the outside, when I was angry on the inside.  I've put on an act, then worried I wouldn't be loved for whi I really was.  We reach out. We shut down, We cry, We run, We doubt.  But you know what we can't live without it.  I've gone with out love for a year and a half.  Now I'm happy to say, i'm sure not going to run from it.  Ok, do you think I've over analyzed what it's all about?  Be honest!

Have you ever heard the crowns we wear in heaven must be won on earth.  This is the thought or thoughts that were in my mind when I wrote that last poem. Sometimes I wonder how many times will I have to do some things to learn a lesson.  Quitting smoking is harder than I thought it would be.  I do good for weeks, and then boom, I'm back to killing my lungs.  Not just quitting smoking, there are many things I've done before that I've told myself I would never do again.    There's a story I remember about three men crossing the Sahara on horseback.  They approched a dry creek bed, and heard a voice tell them to pick up some pebbles, put them in their pockets, and not look at them till the next morning.  They were promised if they obeyed they would be both glad and sad.  They did what the voice said, mounted their horses and went on their way.  As the sunrise came at dawn, they reached in their pockets to find the pebbles had transformed to rubies and diamonds.  They realized the significance of their promise that they would be both glad and sad.  They were happy they picked up the pebbles but sorry that they hadn't collected more.  Looking up to Heaven the other day on the beach, I only saw it peeking out of a hole in a cloud.  Do we get that feeling when we all get to Heaven, like the song.   We will be happy for the treasures we have in Heaven, but maybe regretful that we didn't do more to serve HIM when we had the opportunities.  That poem I wrote meant a lot of things to me.  Sometimes I want so bad to have someone to love and someone to love me.  But for now I'm happy to have friends, and know that someone up there in Heaven loves me, and that is enough.  I'm happy most of the time, so maybe it's not so bad, but when I after I finished the poem, I felt kind of sad.  Guess we just got to make the most of our opportunites here on the big blue marble, so that we'll be more glad than sad.

Revelation by me

 When you find yourself doing

What you said you would never do

Then you have lost your sight

And are searching to hard

Outside of you

For someone to complete

What really only you can do

Find the one inside

And be happy

With what is you

 

When you're hurting others

For your own protection

It opens in your wounds

That does't heal with words

Or sorrow filled expressions

For you can't take back

The damage you do

In a moments indiscretion

it stays in the memory

to continually abuse

It makes you realize you're someone

No one would want to be

Leading to shock and disbelief

Anger, frustration and self-pity

And you think, pretty righteous, I am me

 

And what direction you take

(after revelation)

Will determine the one you will be

Make the effort to change - or

Disappear into self

And be a bane to society.

I want my heart back

Well sister Anna decided not to come, guess she's going to wait and come some other time.  I need prayer guys, my neck is really bothering me.  Derek and pain just don't go together.  I know it could be worse and i'm thankful for all my blessings, but I know all the prayers I could get would help.  At times I wonder if the pain is really physical or mental.  It did pop when I was swimming the other day.   I've been thinking lately in the last year and a half I've really been searching for my heart.  Yes I want it back.  I know i never really lost it.  But back to those old wounds.  The wounds we've taken in our lifetime were leveled against us with stunning accuracy.  Have you ever wondered why there's been such an assault?  I think the Enemy fears us.  I think we are dangerous to him bigtime.  If I ever really got my heart back, lived from it with courage I'd be a big problem to him.  I'd do a lot of damage....on the side of good.  I guess we just have to remember how strong and  effective God has been in the history of the world.  We are a stem of his stalk.  Have you got your heart back.  I know it can be done.  But I also know something else, and i try not to let this scare me.  We have to fight for it.  When I was a little boy, the one thing I feared was having to fight, i could talk my way out of just about anything.  I guess our wounds won't heal and our strength won't be restored until  we fight for it.  Doesn't  this make something in you  want to live?  Then I hear in another voice, urging caution, wanting me to dismiss all I'm thinking alltogether.  Derek's being melodramitic as always.  Ok folks, ok Derek are you up for a fight?  I was born with bruises, and I'll go out punching, lol!  :)

Mountain to the Sky

Have you ever dreamed of a moutain that would take you straight to Heaven.  I know why it's called God's Country in Washington.  I feel it calling me, strange feeling.  Guess it's time for a vacation to the mountains.  I love the Ocean, but these mountains felt like home.  I've only lived in the mountains once, right after college for a short while, it's one of the few times in my life, that I was right where I was supposed to be.  Funny how nature can give you that feeling.

Sister Anna

My stepsister is coming to visit this week.  Anna is coming to visit Tuesday and is going to be here till Thursday.  Can't believe she's all grown up now.  This is a picture I drew of her this past Christmas.  Seems like yesterday I was meeting her at Christmas when she was a little girl, soon after Mama and her dad had started dating.  Anna has grown into a smart, sweet woman.  She's very talented, and artist also, very talented painter.  She our little hippie chic as we call her.  Then I've got a friend coming from Atlanta on Friday and staying till Sunday, followed by my sister and her boyfriend coming the following Monday.  It's going to be a full house for a while.

Rev. Richard Murphy Tucker

Well it's time again for my weekly celebration of one of my ancestors.  As a young boy I would look at this painting of my ancestor.  He looked mean to me when I was young.  But life was not easy in those days and hardships they did have to endure.  There's a show that comes on PBS where people of today relive the colonial time period, It's called "Colonial House", even Oprah made an appearance on it.  Can you imagine living in those day?

Rev. Richard Murphy Tucker of Georgia was a minister, a farmer, and a soldier.  He lived in Laurens Co., GA and moved after 1827 to Irwin Co. He drew land in the 1827 land lottery. He lived in the 5th district. In 1856 Irwin Co was split and their home area became part of the new Berrien Co. He had a home near the community of Gladys in North Berrien Co. He was licensed to preach 27 Jan 1838, fully ordained 22 May 1841. Preached at Young's Meeting House (Brushy Creek Church) 1847-1870. 1850 census Irwin Co. shows land value of $1000 with sons Jacob, Elisha, Elijah and John A. helping farm the home place.

Birth: 18 Mar 1801 in Montgomery Co, GA.
Death: 6 Oct 1874 in Berrien Co, GA.
Burial: Oct 1874 Tucker-Purvis Cemetery, Gladys, Berrien Co, GA.

Married Mary "Mollie" Vernell Paulk in Wilkinson County, Georgia in 1820, she was the daughter of Micajah Paulk and Mary Catherine Young.

Richard Murphy Tucker is the son of Henry Crawford Tucker and grandson of Henry Tucker b: 14 Sep 1652 in Port Royal, Bermuda.

Rolling Down the River

Well I'm pooped, but just wanted to make a quick entry.  Will probably write more tomorrow.  Went down a river of my teenage years today.  Hadn't changed much.  The wildlife still as beautiful and captivating as it was those years ago.  The great cedar trees were large and beautiful.  Should be getting another roll developed later this week.  I felt as peace on the river.  Just wanted to stay there a little longer, or for the day to last a little longer.  I'm pooped, will write more later.

Horoscopes

I'm not one to usually read my horoscope, but funny today i was emailed my horoscope.  It was interesting to say the least.  "Look at every path closely and deliberately.  Try it as many times as you think necessary.  Then ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question.  Does this path have a heart?  If it does, the path is good, if it doesn't it is of no use."   Actually it hits home.  I seem to be playing out many roads or paths for myself.  Wondering at times which way to go.  This is one of those moments when heaven comes all the way down to earth, when an invisible allies from the other side of the veil make an appearance, when age-old secrets briefly show  what they're really made of.  Come on Derek pick a path and no straying.

Spider-Man

Aunt May says it best, "I believe there is a hero in everyone of us".  I finally went to see Spider-Man II and I loved it.  Graphics were awesome, and what a great story.  I felt the little boy in me get excited again.  An adventure, I always feel that in the movies, it was my escape when I was growing up.  I could escape whatever was going on for a couple of hours and enter into another world.  It's still that way for me, time stands still and I'm transported somewhere else.  I love it.

Man's Search for Meaning

I read Victor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning", wow very powerful book, it's an amazing story of survival and the story of one man's spirit that is remarkable.   Guess we are all survivors.  One powerful line in it is "We need to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life-daily and hourly.  Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its  problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly set for each individual."  The human spirit is a powerful thing.  My mind is still kind of full, so guess I need to sit with it.  :)

Thought on a Monday Evening

As many of you may know I've been revisiting some old wounds.  I try and keep my journals happy, but sometimes happy is not exactly what I'm feeling, tonight I've been thinking about the strength of mine that my wounds targeted.  How can I learn about my strengths and identity from my wounds?  Sometimes I feel i came into this world kicking and screaming, I was breach, and a part of me feels I wasn't quite ready to come back, I think i was enjoying where I was before.  The scene's we're living is no sitcom, it's a battle at times.  These blows we've taken, they were not random accidents at all, they hit dead center I think.  The thing I was meant to be seemed to take the hardest blows.  I've always had a gift of imagination, and writing words,and my art.  But my wounds always told me I wasn't good enough, or I was too diffrent.  I needed to be more like everyone else.  Those wounds tried to take out what I was meant for.  I was told many times I shouldn't go into art because I wasn't good enough.  I am good enough.  If it's still my dream I can go after whatever I want.  On and on it goes, the wound is too well aimed and far too consistent to be accidental.  It's like an attempt to take us out; to cripple or destroy our strenght and get us out of the action.  I am so thankful for my supporters, my mother who always believed in me.   A friend years ago when I started drawing again, made me feel talented and framed my work like they were works of art.  The internet friends I've made through my journals that keep telling me tomorrow is a new day and I can make of each new day however I like.  Your all blessing to me.  Thank you!

Senior 1986

Remo double dog dared us to post our senior portrait...so of course I had to take the dare.  This is me.  Class of 1986!  I was a lifeguard the summer before my senior year and my hair was so bleached out, wow I had hair.  Now I have more hair growing out of my ears than I do on my head.

The fireworks

This was the only picture that turned out from the fireworks show, I should of known to have back up batteries.  Dinner was nice yesterday.  I grilled chicken, made corn on the cob, a nice salad, and butterbeans Sherry brought me from home that she had put up.  Ms. Bette brought a blackberry cobbler and ice cream.  When did I get so domesticated.  The fireworks were beautiful but always seems they are over before they started.  I've always loved fireworks.  Since I was a little boy.

Rebecca Paulk Vickers 1815-1890

I've decided in celebrating my existance, thought I might start celebrating some of my forefather's and mothers that came before me and are responsible for me to be here today.  So once a week I'll share a little I know about them.  This is my great great great great grandmother Vickers.  She was born in 1815, daughter of Micajah Paulk and Mary Catherine Young, both who were blind.  She married Jesse Vickers.   She was left a widow young.  Jesse died at 24 years old.  She reared all of her children in credit, the sucess they have acieved in life is a monument to her life and labors.  She founded Hebron Church and was the central figure in that church as long as she lived.  She was held in high esteem.  When she died, the old homemade chair (hickory and a rawhide bottom) where she sat during the last days of pilgrimage on earth, was placed up against the wall near the pulpit and remainted there until 1970 when the church burned down by arsonist.  There are many stories I remember my Pepa telling me about her but the one that seems to stand out the most from all others.  There used to be a buggy trail alond what is now Baker Highway and they had a large foot-log across Reedy Creek to the church on the other side.  According to what Pepa said, there came a big flood, a downpour, and it washed the footlog out of place.  Rebecca went down there with some of her farm workers and they took an oxen with them to try and pull the log back into place.  They worked down there a half-day and couldn't get the foot-log back into place.  After a while Rebecca just backed off and said to the men, "Let's load up and go home.  The Lord moved the log and if He wants it put back, He'll have to put it back.  We can't do it"  Not long after that there  came another flood on the Satilla River and the river backed up and floated the log back into place across the creek.

Rebecca was a hard worker, she did have many black farm workers, but she didn't regard them as "slaves".  She even integrated their church and some of her black workers were preachers and preached there.  On the third Saturday and Sunday of the month, they would all load up in the ox carts and go to church in the morning and stay all day long.  You wouldn't seee them going back home in their ox carts until the sun was going down just above the treetops.  After the Civil War and the slaves were freed, a black man named Peter (Vickers) had been so faithful to Rebecca that she gave him a farm up there in that community.  My Pepa said they even called him Uncle Peter and his wife Aunt Betsy because they were like family to them.  She also passed down the famous chicken and dumpling receipe's that my mom's family are known for.

Great Great Great Great grandma Vickers was a woman of some property and as a guardian for her children, she had a unique way of keeping books.  A strong strip of cloth was hung on the wall and a pocket was made for each child.  When a cow was soold, the proceeds were carefully placed i the proper pocket, and in this way, her accounts were always kept correct.  Peace to the honor of such a mother.  I honor her memory.

This was kind of fun.

Cousin Vicki's Day before July 4th Pool party

Well today was nice.  Went over to my cousin Vicki's house for a little pool party.  Our grandmother's were twins.  I'm sure Mema would be very happy to know that we are still so close.  We had fun in the pool as you can see Linda floating.  Picture two is of Linda, my old roomate Sherry who drove down from Atlanta for the fourth and couisin Vicki on the right  We grilled burgers and hotdogs and had some wonderful homemade potato salad.  And spent the evening singing karoki.  They got a lot of it on video, so I may put the one of me singing Elivis's "Little Sister".  That's a song I grew up singing.  It was nice being around family.  My other cousin Michelle and Jel came too.   Can't wait till the fireworks tonight.  I live right by where they are having them on the beach, well I'm a couple blocks off, but they should be beautiful.  Bette's coming up and Mike, she, and I are going to cook up some chicken.  Hope everyone has a wonderful and safe fourth!

The Road to Me

From my earlier entry, you can probably tell this has been a trying day for me.  It has!  I've tried figuring it all out.  I'm trying hard to walk away from the false self.  Can I just say I'm feeling very vulnerable and exposed.  I still feel tempted to turn to my comforters for relief, those places I've found solace and rest.  I think I've tried so hard for so long to validate myself by trying to get my answers from someone else.  I know I've got to look deep inside for all my answers.  I don't want to go elsewhere to find my strenth, I want to be the one to offer it.  I read Judith Heartsong's entry tonight  http://journals.aol.com/judithheartsong/newbeginning/entries/778 The Cave, I felt myself asking How do I feel about my wounded and broken places, how am I handling them these days.  I think I'm quite harsh with the broken places.  I feel the little boy inside, at times I despise that about myself, and other times I feel strength in it.  I tell myself grow up!  I used to think I deserved the bad things that happened.  I even sometimes thought maybe God meant for it to happen to me.  But I know now He was furious about what happened to me.  He never wanted me to hurt or suffer.  I also think of my little niece and nephew and how I would feel if the wounds I was given, the blows I received were dealt to them.  Would I shame them for it like I was shamed.  The answer is NO!  I'd feel compassion just like I know God felt or feels for us.

It's no shame that I need healing and it's no shame to look to another for strength, and it's no shame that I feel young and afraid inside at times.  It's not my fault!

Whew a lot off my chest!

Rough day, not much longer till the weekend

Sometimes it doesn't take much to get us down, does it? An unkind remark from a friend, a funny sound in your car, a financial setback, or a rough day at work can put a cloud of doom and gloom over everything, even on our sunniest day. You know you should be enjoying it, but everything clouds your vision and seems to be against you, making simple tasks a struggle. I'm speaking from experience. What do you do when you get down? I could give you a list a mile long of things I've done in the past. I love reading my internet friend's Barbpinion http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/BOTHSIDESOFTHECOIN/journal. I read it and I feel her faith. So now I try to look up and trust God to take care of me and see me through it however hard it may feel at the time. I think when we look up and focus on God, something good happens. We get our eyes off ourselves and gain a new appreciation of Him. Just try it folks, the next time your feeling blue, look up. He loves you! There's a purpose for our trials. Yes, life seems unbearable at times. Just don't let it keep you down. Just keep talking to Him. How does that saying go? "When life knocks you to your knees, you're in a good position to pray." I can't remember who wrote that one.