Feeling Much Better

Well after another visit to the doctor, and an adjustment, I'm feeling much better.  I'm not exactly 100% but I'm getting close.  Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts, I hope to be back to writing more soon, havn't really had a chance lately, being in so much pain!  More later.  Everyone have a great week!

There once was a crooked man

Oh man these past two days have been rough.  I woke up Tuesday morning and much to my surprise couldn't straighten up.  I was in some kind of pain.  I was lucky enough to have Mike helping me get to the doctor and play nursemaid to me.  I'm not the kind of person that really likes that either.  He kind of had to put his foot down and say ok, I'm here for you this is when your supposed to ask for my help.  I get so stubborn.  But I finally realized I couldn't do it without him.   He's been really good helping me get up and down and to the doctor.  I got the xrays done yesterday.  I'm thinking I must have pulled a muscle or something not sure.    But it's feeling much better than it was.  Not sure if it was all the sneezing and coughing I was doing or what.  But I'm definately the crooked man.  Mike keeps laughing at me but I don't think it's that funny.   But I can see how he thinks it is.  I definately look funny.  Well can't sit here for long without pain, so back to my painpills and bed.    I feel like I'm going to be about better by Sunday.  Where have these four days gone? I am suddenly desparate for time while energy flows out just trying to get up out of the bed. Backpain, not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Well I don't really have an enemy. Little by little I find myself leaning towards sleep like bear that that longs to curl up somewhere and hybernate. I'm definately rested. The pain pills and muslce relaxers could have much to do with that as well. I did walk out earlier and went to the store to get some milk. The light was dazzling, and the cold air felt wonderful. Oh I'm missing my running very bad. I'm just wondering how long I'm going to go without running. I guess I'll start all over again and just try not to overdue it. Mike is out now having a job interview, hope it goes well for him. I wish I could write with a clear mind, but the cobwebs caused by the muscle relaxers and painpills are leaving my mind kind of blurry. Times like this do make me think I'm looking for something, an answer I need, or hoping to hear His voice, and wit me laying on my butt I'm not too busy to listen, so He helps us by letting us lay down for awhile so we can look up! I've been wanting to be still for a while, well here I am now very still, and of course I'm wanting not to be still.

 

Day off!

Today I had a nice day off!  Woo Hoo!  I was so ready to go somewhere and do something, a trip to the zoo.  I ended up going grocery shopping, cooked Mike and I a healthy lunch.  He was tired after lunch and took a nap, and I went jogging for four miles.  It was just beautiful out.  We watched the golden globes the other night, and was very happy that Brokeback Mountain took so many awards, we were both rooting for Heath Ledger for best actor.  But he didn't get it.  Mike went and got the soundtrack today, and we went to our tree today and took some pictures.  Nice reflective day, it's still early too!

Martin Luther King Jr Day

Yesterday our sermon was "Love one another", the one thing Jesus told the disciples would show the world you are a Christian. I think Dr. Martin Luther King Jr did. His goal was justice and equality based on human dignity, not skin color. He led a nonviolent struggle against racial discrimination and issued a plea for the civil rights of African-Americans. I believe to treat people with fairness and love in part of our responsibility. I attest to Dr. King's love for all of mankind regardless to their religion or racial persuasion. He was a great speaker and preacher. I enjoy listening to his sermons and reading some of his letter that he wrote to other pastors while in jail in Alabama.


" Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend."
- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

If any of you are around when I have to meet my day, I don’t want a long funeral. And if you get somebody to deliver the eulogy, tell them not to talk too long. And every now and then I wonder what I want them to say. Tell them not to mention that I have a Nobel Peace Prize; that isn’t important.

Tell them not to mention that I have three or four hundred other awards; that’s not important. Tell them not to mention where I went to school.

I'd like somebody to mention that day that Martin Luther King Jr., tried to give his life serving others.

I'd like for somebody to say that day that Martin Luther King Jr., tried to love somebody.

I want you to say that day that I tried to be right on the war question.

I want you to be able to say that day that I did try to feed the hungry.

And I want you to be able to say that day that I did try in my life to clothe those who were naked.

I want you to say on that day that I did try in my life to visit those who were in prison.

I want you to say that I tried to love and serve humanity.

Yes, if you want to saythat I was a drum major, say that I was a drum major for justice. Say that I was a drum major for peace. I was a drum major for righteousness. And all of the other shallow things will not matter. I won't have any money to leave behind. I won't have the fine and luxurious things of life to leave behind. But I just want to leave a committed life behind. And that's all I want to say.

If I can help somebody as I pass along,

If I can cheer somebody with a word or song, If I can show somebody he's traveling wrong, Then my living will not be in vain.

If I can do my duty as a Christian ought, If I can bring salvation to a world once wrought, If I can spread the message as the master taught, Then my living will not be in vain.

Yes, Jesus, I want to be on your right or your left side, not for any selfish reason. I want to be on your right or your left side, not in terms of some political kingdom or ambition. But I just want to be there in love and in justice and in truth and in commitment to others, so that we can make of this old world a new world.

~excerpted from a sermon by Martin Luther King Jr., delivered at Ebenezer Baptist Church, Atlanta, Georgia, on February 4, 1968~

Brokeback Mountain

I'm  back from finally watching the movie I've been wanting to see for so long.  I wrote about 5 or 6 pargraph's on my feelings after watching it, but tried adding pictures and somehow deleted everything I wrote so I'm aggravated now.  I have been anxiously waiting the screening of "Brokeback Mountain" for some time now.  Mike and I went to the 12:50 viewing of it today with our friend Becky and her mom.  I'm not sure if it sold out, but the movies were definitely full.  So guess I'll keep it short this time.  Or maybe I'll just write more later, because I don't think I can quite capture in words what I wrote earlier and don't really feel like trying.  It was a beautiful movie.  The love story I've been wating for for a long time.  As I sat in the movies holding hands with Mike and not feeling the least bit embarrassed or wondering what anyone might say or feel.  I though maybe this is just the start, and maybe more love stories will be written now.  This movie was sad and I don't want to ruin it by telling anything.  The most beautfiul scene and one that I hold onto was towards the end and Jack is thinking about Ennis leaving, he's thinking when they were young and Ennis was leaving and here he is so many years later and Ennis is still leaving.  But the vision he has in his head of a younger Ennis and the loving way he was with him.  I felt myself  evaluating things in my life compared to Ennis and Jack in the movie and what they went through. On the one hand, their story makes me feel so lucky--it has shown me that things have been so easy for me, and that I should I really appreciate everything I have. On the other hand, it makes me feel like such a coward for not being bolder about living my life more fully, as who I really am. Since it has all been so easy for me, why didn't I do more, try harder, have higher expectations, rise to challenges rather than just settling or making easy choices in my life? Other people have said it, and it's so true--Brokeback has made me realize the trivial things in my life, and has made me want to narrow my life down to what is important and essential.   No more wasting time.  I don't want to come to the realization to late in life.  Another thing in this movie is the name Ennis,  the guy Heath Ledger plays.  That is my middle name, my father's and my grandfather's first name.  How ironic.  I'll probably write on this movie later.  I loved it!  I could write for hours on it right now, but I thought I better give the person in the room with me some attention.

Morning thoughts

I woke up cold this morning, the temperature has dropped .  Mike came and got in the bed at 8:00 am, I must have been snoring again.  I'm up and have laundry going, and am looking down at pretty Abby's little black face.  It's quiet and all I can hear is the sound of the wind. I remember once in the past year and a half I made the comment that I had heard from someone That you are born into this world alone, and you die alone.  When this comment was made to me years ago.  I argued it, I tried rationalizing it.  But it does have some validity to me now.   I think the way it hit me at the time, was that the person saying it to me, was wanting to end our relationship, they wanted to be alone.  But now I can look back on it and it can mean other things.  Alone.  That word alone brings many reactions and thoughts.  I think the person talking about this word had truly experienced it in ways that maybe I hadn't.  I was only truly alone for the two and a half years before I met Mike.  But in that time I had something that I'd never really felt before.  I had experienced it.  I wrote from that feeling at the time.  It was me and I was ok with it for the first time.  Does one choose solitude, it must be for a purpose other than just self seeking search for identity.   Going back over my writings during that time, that was what I wrote about mostly.  But I still seem to write a lot about that.   How do you find your identiy?  My answer is through work and through my love for Mike and my family, and the UCC church we've become involved with.  In these things I find myself giving more rather than getting, and for the first time in my life that is actually ok.  O.K. not easy.  It seems to require a lot of discipline and as I've said it's quite challenging, especially if you havn't been the most giving in the past.  Maybe my alone time was actually really good for me.  Maybe I found something I never realized.  Human relations are often painful, sometimes feeling like collisions, but through them we grow.  How do we grow otherwise?  But in my head I still think that the times I get things straightened out are my alone times, like right now when I'm alone and Mike sleeps.  Then a little voice in my head says well there would be nothing to straighten out if you had no relationship and was alone.  "Thank you," I say to the little voice.  See what happens when I'm alone.  Don't call them to come get me in the little white straight jackets please!  My answer for this morning to myself, is to do whatever we feel deeply, life has a way of teaching us.  My whole argument with the comment made to me so long ago now is.  We only have what we are, and only we alone have what we give.  That is we only have what we are.  We give what or all that is in us.  It almost feels like I'm agreeing with that comment more the older I get, just in different ways than I did years ago.  Sometimes I feel so close to answers when I'm alone.  I feel I can share myself better with Mike after these moments.  Now I need to go back and read everything I've written so no one think's I'm completely crazy.   Swiburn's rubbing off on me.  Chris over at http://inanethoughtsandinsaneramblings.blogspot.com/ is rubbing off on me.  This felt like insane thoughts and insane ramblings.  But not really.

The last time I was home, Autumn was riding with me in the car, and I was smoking a cigarette, which is something I rarely do, seems I only smoke when I'm home, or out in a bar.  Anyway Autumn looked at me, and said your getting that smoke in my hair.  I told her I was sorry, then she said, "you do know that is not good for you?".  I told her, "I know".  I told her I was going to try and quit again at the new year.  She said well it's hard, I'm still trying to stop sucking my thumb.  So I told her 2006 was going to be the year we did it.  She was so cute.  She really was trying and I didn't catch her with that thumb in her mouth but a few times, and that was at bedtime.  So what are your struggles for this New Year, are you breaking a habit or trying to overcome anything.  I've done good, No smokes for 12 days.  That hasn't been hard, mainly because I don't really smoke much anyway.  But hopefully this will be the year I don't smoke at all.  And who knows maybe Autumn won't suck that thumb either.  Struggles definately seem to be a big part of life don't you think? Mike is on the job search again, so keep him in your thoughts that something good comes along.  One where he is happy and content.  Dang I want that job too!

Last night Mike and I were watching a few minutes of Alexander again.  I'm not sure how many times we've seen it.  But he was pointing out the huge library, that lost library.  I started telling him about how centuries ago, that those books at the library of Alexandria caught fire.  Alexandria was the place to do research in the ancient world.  If I remember it back in Julias Caesar time he set fire to his ships in the Alexandrian harbor to prevent them from falling into enemy hands.  The fire spread to the docks and the naval arsenal, destroying 400,000 of the library's precious scrolls.  To ashes those treasures.  Just shows how perishable written materials can me.  I've always loved history, it's one of my favorite things.  Makes me think about how precious our Bible is that it's survived after all those years.  Pretty amazing.  Something to truly be thankful for.  Tonight was good I came home and Mike took the day off and was being especially sweet to me.  It was nice I liked it.  He cooked me a nice Brunch or healthy breakfast for dinner.  This was a really nice day, talked to my mom today, and got a sweet email from my sister.  I'm not sure what got me thinking about this today, but it's been almost 15 years since I came out to my family.  I think I've written about the story once before, I'll try and find it so I can link this entry to it.  But the thing I was thinking about, was at the time I was living in Valdosta in a little 4 room apartment, it was very small but kind of artsy and I loved it.  After my mom saw it, she said, you should put up some pictures of Marilyn Monroe or Lucille Ball, and I asked her why?  She said isn't that what gay people do.  That was one of the funniest things I think I remember her saying about my lifestyle when I first came out.  My mom and family have been really wonderful and accepting.    I was so very lucky! 

Thoughts this morning

It's exhilaratingly cold for a change, cold and bright.  There have been many moments of pure joy this week.  Maybe it's the exercise, not sure, but I'm going to try to stay on the same road.  This morning when I got up for my run there were squirrels everywhere, guess there doing last minute grocery shopping for nuts.  I looked for birds but only saw a few fly over, so today was pretty sparse for birdwatching.  So I just eased into the music of my ipod and got to business at hand and ran.  Funny how we can find joy out of such small things.  The new toothbrush I bought even brought me joy as I brushed my teeth this morning.  Ok, now I'm getting carried away.  But quite honestly the early morning is the time of purest joy, somehow I've forgotten this.  When I lived at the beach I always went to bed by 9, and was up early to enjoy it.  In the move, I've somehow just lost that feeling of the early mornings, maybe because I never go to bed till 11 or after now, and early mornings I mostly feel groggy.  I hit the sack by 10 last night and was up early.  I did enjoy it, how the sun shines as it rises.  So my day was started with a lift.  The river sounded nice. 

There is still an undertow of depression.  As I know Mike has not been so happy lately, not enjoying his job or hours.  It seems harder for him than it does for me us being apart.  For me it just makes me appreciate him more when we are together.  Now it's time for me to wake him to get ready for church, I hope he's as happy as I am this morning and maybe it will rub off on him.  Bless us a lot today!  And bless anyone out there a lot as well.

Knocking

Seems many things from my childhood seem to flash before my eyes all the time now.  With the making of the movie Narnia, I can really feel my inner child.  Mike and I went and saw the movie a few weeks ago, and I really enjoyed it.   Another thing that flashes before me is a picture.  My grandparents had a big wardrobe that I used to climb into all the time and try and be transported to Narnia, or anywhere magical, sometimes I'd imagine I was there when I got out, with the imaginary snow and everything.  Boy did I have a crazy imagination.  But one thing I remembered was on the inside of the wardrobe there was a picture hanging on the inside door.  It was of Jesus knocking on a door.  What a funny place to put a picture, I'm thinking now.  Maybe they hung it in the house at one time, I'm not sure, but they kept it inside the wardrobe when I was growing up.  I even would imagine Him knocking on the wardrobe when I was little and a magical place He would take me when I opened the door.  For some reason that picture has been coming into my mind today.  Not sure if I can capture all I'm feeling, but I will try.  I guess I'm going back and looking at my thoughts as a child, those of a teenager, a young man, and now.  I'll just keep these feeling for me for now, maybe I can articulate on them later.  Guess I felt Him knocking at a young age, and still do ready to fill our lives with HIs love.

Tagged

Chris over at http://itsallaboutmeithink.blogspot.com/ tagged me on 5 weird habits of mine.

1.  I bite my fingernails

2.  I pick my toenails

These two are the two that drive Mike the craziest

3. I shake my foot to make myself go to sleep, and from what Mike says I shake my foot in my sleep as well.

4. I crunch/eat ice all the time.

5. I brush my teeth a lot.

Still Reflecting

In 1999 I started a time travelers journal, a place for me to reflect on the past, present, and future as I was traveling towards the turn of the century and the beginning of a new millennium.  I made wishes for the 21st centrury.  I made visions of what the Big Picture was for me at the time.  Here it is another New Year and I'm still feeling I'm looking for many of the same things.  I'm still looking for the "Big Picture" so to speak.   I'm still looking for peace of mind, and purpose.  I go back six years and read over my journals and I'm thankful.  I remember those really hard times I was going through.  I feel stronger in many ways today.  I described last year of at times being painful.  But it really wasn't so painful or hard as the first steps I took six years ago.  I also read of New Years's of this closeness I felt with nature or the spirit.  I still long for that closeness.  I'm still looking for happiness within myself.  I think about the first steps of healing or recovering that I took a little over six years ago, and I think now, am I still recovering? 

Another New Year yes, as I ran today, my first run for the New Year.  I was thinking of some of the people I chat with, I hear they have bitter cold and deep snow in parts of England and my friend Steve is expecting a foot of snow in Illinois, while here on the coast it is as warm as April, I was out in shorts and a tank, and not the least bit cold.  This year, this wonderful New Year, is fitting for me at any rate.  I look back on the disasters of 2005.  And hopes for rebuilding of 2006.  I'm looking for a feeling inside myself that will take off and soar.  I started a new aol blog earlier since I'm starting my training again for the Gate River Run, check it out at  http://journals.aol.com/tallnfuzzy/GettingReadyfortheGateRiverRun20/

I also find myself really interested in my genealogy again, and have been working on that, turning back to roots and the great influences, going back in order to draw strentgth from some of the deep sources and people that have shaped my life;family and friends.  I spoke of reflections the day before New Years, but still find myself looking back.  I feel on this day the second day of the year, I am in a quiet way blooming.  This year I have goals, no resolutions, just goals, hope, and faith.  And maybe the gloomy parts I've felt the last two months will just go away.

New Years Day

We broke in the New Year with Becky, one of Mike's best friends from high school.  She's super sweet and just a joy to be around.  She's going through a divorce.   She's got the best attitude, and I know she's going to make it through and thrive.  She just got her master's.  So we're wishing her great things for this new year.  I wanted to write a journal entry today, one full of meaning for the New Year, but I'm really just tired as I can be.  We had fun celebrating the New Year with Becky last night.  We went over to Mike's mom this afternoon for lunch.  She made a really good lasagna.  I think we were all just really tired.  More tomorrow.  I'm just ready to hit the sack right now.  Happy New Year too all!