Saturday, October 20, 2007

Turning my Claddagh in the other direction

Music, lately I can’t quit listening to Ocean, by The Bravery, you can hit music and video from the website above and play some of their music, but the last song #12 on the Sun and Moon cd.  It touches my soul, and has most of the day.  So many memories have been flying through my head in the last month.  A lifetime of them.  Some days I feel so connected with things and some days like today, I feel far removed from it all.   Listen to it.  Today was productive, I got up early, I’m keeping Berry and Susans house, cats, and dogs.   Went grocery shopping.  Tried to make it to the gym, but it was closed, I always make it early on Saturdays and never realized it closes at 1 on Saturdays.  Came home cleaned some, ran around some more.   Talked to friends.  I turned my ring around.  Today I woke up loving not only myself but the world.  Or so I said to myself.  The day felt good.  Mike called, this afternoon.  He sounded good.  Sounded happy.  I remember telling him all I want is for us to be happy.   He brought up some of the stuff going on in his life that was troubling him, although I hate someone’s leaving him messages that upset him, I assured him I had no part in it, and I asked him to keep me out of that, and he was very respectful of that.  He also told me about having to go to the hospital for some problems.  Not sure it may be that red tide stuff from the Ocean.  He asked me had I been and I said no.  But I just remember going the other morning for sunrise, but luckily it hasn't affected me any.   Guess its a good thing I havn't gone to lay out any.  I hung up and for the first time I was able to take off my claddagh ring, and change the hearts positioning. With the new positioning comes a new life, one that will empower me to make whatever changes I need to in my life.  I wrote to a friend today of many of these thoughts.  I guess my beliefs.   God’s Love is a given…it’s not something we earn, it’s not something we ever is something we are born with and it’s always with us.. The rules handed down are rules of relationship.   If we break God’s rules we don’t lose His love, we lose our trust in ourselves and our ability to believe in God.. we also lose our trust in others, we damage or destroy our relationships.   This is something I feel I’ve learned, not soon enough I add.  I’ve hurt people in my lifetime, and I’ve been hurt by people.   If we break the rules of our relationship we lose each others trust.. but one never stops loving the other even if that is briefly turned to anger or hate, it is only the flip side of love and rarely ever last as hate or anger.  What lasts and what is almost impossible to repair is broken trust.   God has loved us from the day we were born.   He does that with every new day He give us to live: every situation he asks us to handle: and does that with every person he brings into our lives.   I’m so thankful for all the people He’s brought into my life.   I truly believe that what we really are searching for in our lives is someone to whom we can say “I love you” and  feel the freedom to express that, and that the person will truly love us back.  Trust is so important.    This is why, once I decide to make a commitment to someone it is total commitment…it is not a guarantee that God will let us be together for life, but it is a guarantee that that as long as God will let us be together I can be trusted to honor our commitments to each other.  That is what I am going to be about that is the promise I made with the claddagh when we gave it to each other three years ago.  I was worried I couldn’t take it off.   But I have realized now I can keep it on, just with the heart turned in the other direction.   It still symbolizes for me what is possible, and that I was able to keep my promise.  It has been a hard day and I just try and remember God loves me, now it’s up to me to find a way to carry out my mission in life within the confines of life.  More on that later.

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