Thursday, July 29, 2004
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
I've been asking myself this question a lot lately. If you had permission to do what you really wanted to do, what would it be. I'm not asking how, that will cut your desire off at the knees. My life as an adventure. Sometimes I think our desires are buried deep and it takes some unearthing to get to them. I think we should pay attention to our desire. Sometimes the clues are in our past, in the moments when we found ourselves loving what we were doing. The details change as we grow, but the themes remain the same. I love reading everyone's journals and reading about the things they love. With Judi it's her art, http://journals.aol.com/judithheartsong/newbeginning/ it makes her alive, and just looking at her art makes me feel alive. What a wonderful gift. With Carol, http://journals.aol.com/eynl/HappeningsduringtheairIbreathe/ , it's her love for life and her family. Peachy, http://journals.aol.com/jcgeorgiapeach/ThePeachPages/ her love for writing and letting you escape and be brought somewhere wonderful in her writings, an adventure just in everyday life, through her love for her family and all of mankind. Barb, http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/LETTERSTOHEAVEN/, and her letters to heaven that speak to our soul, she brings inspiration to my life everyday. I could go on and on. I love these journals they speak to my heart everyday.
What did you always dream of doing or being.... and is it still alive in you?
Monday, July 26, 2004
The depth of this realm is simply to vast.
Once I tried to maneuver people.
Now I use that power to manipulate words.
How bright will my light be?
How long will the aches of the past last?
I will go on and shine in doing so.
The respecet that I show myself
The good deeds that I do for others
Why does one want what he can't have?
Is it the bite of denial that entices us?
I am strong in saying it was never just lust.
Why did yout touch the beat of my heart?
I struggle to hold onto my grace...
While lying in the dark.
To forget would be the ultimate sin.
You were given to me...if only for a while
To aid in my survival...is to always remember your smile.
This is what's happening when I'm
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Well boy do I have a house full. But I love it, Sherry's boyfriend Mark grilled some of the best salmon I've ever had. Jerk Salmon over a bed of rice, with a nice salad on the side. Sherry made a yummy lemon pie for dessert, I'd be as big around as a house if they were here long. Autumn is as sweet as ever. She really knows how to work Uncle Derek, she'll change the pitch just one octive and say P-L-E-A-S-E and that is all it takes. Those big blue eyes of hers doesn't hurt any either. Wish I had the day off so I could spend with them, but it's off to work I go! I had some pretty awful dream last night, kind of weirded me out. Maybe I need to write Jojolona see what she thinks. Tonight I get to Autumnsit, while Sherry and Mark go out on the town. Looking forward to that, I can hear her now, "Tell me a story"
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Monday, July 19, 2004
How often of the day are you being true to yourself? Can you say yes, when you mean yes, and no when you mean no? Why is Derek asking so many questions today. Well I had a aweomse weekend. My friend J came down from Atlanta Friday, and we had a wonderful time catching up, and talking about life, and having fun on the beach. One of our conversations was about love, and he mentioned how confusing it was to him. And he wondered if he really even knew what it was. So the last couple of days I've been thinking about it. A lot I guess. Thinking of past loves, memories, mistakes, trying to be sure not to make the same mistakes again. I don't write a whole lot about what I feel about love, but maybe it's time I share some of my viewpoints. They may be a little diffrent, but maybe not so diffrent after all. Seems like love is on everybodies mind these days, mine included. Everyone has that need to connect. Ok, I have met someone, it's just been recent, I really havn't dated or anything in the last year and a half, so this is all pretty new again to me. But it feels good. Scary at times but all in all it feels good. Notice I said scary at times. Seems fear is always the enemy no matter what subject we are talking about. I think the pain we suffer in relationships are because of staying faithful to our fears and to a past that no longer serves us. Our unwillingness to grow is the painful part. I wrote that poem the other day to myself. I want to get it right for a change. We have choices, a choice between freedom and fear, drama and passion, lust and love. A long time ago I thought everything was kind of left up to chance or fate. I think Love is up to us. Scary for me to even say the word sometimes, much less write about it. When J shared his thoughts to me about love, I just told him, I think it's up to us, the love in our lives depends on how we perceive ourselves. We need to be accepting of ourselves. He then took a little bit of a defense and replies with how we have to protect ourselves, watch our backs. I told him I understand him feeling that way, we've all been hurt. There's so much to love to me. One of the most overwhelming feeling to me about love is desire. I don't want to let in blindsigh me, I've done this before in thepast. This is not really a subject I talk about much, so changing the subject. So why all the talk about love and relationships. Guess I'm just happy and scared, and you know what it's ok to be. I have met someone I'd love to get to know better. I'm not going to run into it with my blinders on. I'm happy to feel this way. Just take it day by day, that's about all I can do. Love is messy don't you think. It's rarely what we think it should be, and we are rarely what we would like to be when we are in love. On one hand we want love to be enough, yet on the other hand, we are rarely satisifed with the love we have, so fear and love battle it out. For me I've become silent when i wanted so to connect, I've jumped in fast when I knew I must slow down. I've acted cool, when i really was hot. I smiled on the outside, when I was angry on the inside. I've put on an act, then worried I wouldn't be loved for whi I really was. We reach out. We shut down, We cry, We run, We doubt. But you know what we can't live without it. I've gone with out love for a year and a half. Now I'm happy to say, i'm sure not going to run from it. Ok, do you think I've over analyzed what it's all about? Be honest!
Have you ever heard the crowns we wear in heaven must be won on earth. This is the thought or thoughts that were in my mind when I wrote that last poem. Sometimes I wonder how many times will I have to do some things to learn a lesson. Quitting smoking is harder than I thought it would be. I do good for weeks, and then boom, I'm back to killing my lungs. Not just quitting smoking, there are many things I've done before that I've told myself I would never do again. There's a story I remember about three men crossing the Sahara on horseback. They approched a dry creek bed, and heard a voice tell them to pick up some pebbles, put them in their pockets, and not look at them till the next morning. They were promised if they obeyed they would be both glad and sad. They did what the voice said, mounted their horses and went on their way. As the sunrise came at dawn, they reached in their pockets to find the pebbles had transformed to rubies and diamonds. They realized the significance of their promise that they would be both glad and sad. They were happy they picked up the pebbles but sorry that they hadn't collected more. Looking up to Heaven the other day on the beach, I only saw it peeking out of a hole in a cloud. Do we get that feeling when we all get to Heaven, like the song. We will be happy for the treasures we have in Heaven, but maybe regretful that we didn't do more to serve HIM when we had the opportunities. That poem I wrote meant a lot of things to me. Sometimes I want so bad to have someone to love and someone to love me. But for now I'm happy to have friends, and know that someone up there in Heaven loves me, and that is enough. I'm happy most of the time, so maybe it's not so bad, but when I after I finished the poem, I felt kind of sad. Guess we just got to make the most of our opportunites here on the big blue marble, so that we'll be more glad than sad.
Sunday, July 18, 2004
When you find yourself doing
What you said you would never do
Then you have lost your sight
And are searching to hard
Outside of you
For someone to complete
What really only you can do
Find the one inside
And be happy
With what is you
When you're hurting others
For your own protection
It opens in your wounds
That does't heal with words
Or sorrow filled expressions
For you can't take back
The damage you do
In a moments indiscretion
it stays in the memory
to continually abuse
It makes you realize you're someone
No one would want to be
Leading to shock and disbelief
Anger, frustration and self-pity
And you think, pretty righteous, I am me
And what direction you take
Will determine the one you will be
Make the effort to change - or
Disappear into self
And be a bane to society.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Monday, July 12, 2004
Sunday, July 11, 2004
Well it's time again for my weekly celebration of one of my ancestors. As a young boy I would look at this painting of my ancestor. He looked mean to me when I was young. But life was not easy in those days and hardships they did have to endure. There's a show that comes on PBS where people of today relive the colonial time period, It's called "Colonial House", even Oprah made an appearance on it. Can you imagine living in those day?
Rev. Richard Murphy Tucker of Georgia was a minister, a farmer, and a soldier. He lived in Laurens Co., GA and moved after 1827 to Irwin Co. He drew land in the 1827 land lottery. He lived in the 5th district. In 1856 Irwin Co was split and their home area became part of the new Berrien Co. He had a home near the community of Gladys in North Berrien Co. He was licensed to preach 27 Jan 1838, fully ordained 22 May 1841. Preached at Young's Meeting House (Brushy Creek Church) 1847-1870. 1850 census Irwin Co. shows land value of $1000 with sons Jacob, Elisha, Elijah and John A. helping farm the home place.
Birth: 18 Mar 1801 in Montgomery Co, GA.
Death: 6 Oct 1874 in Berrien Co, GA.
Burial: Oct 1874 Tucker-Purvis Cemetery, Gladys, Berrien Co, GA.
Married Mary "Mollie" Vernell Paulk in Wilkinson County, Georgia in 1820, she was the daughter of Micajah Paulk and Mary Catherine Young.
Richard Murphy Tucker is the son of Henry Crawford Tucker and grandson of Henry Tucker b: 14 Sep 1652 in Port Royal, Bermuda.
Saturday, July 10, 2004
Thursday, July 8, 2004
Wednesday, July 7, 2004
Tuesday, July 6, 2004
Monday, July 5, 2004
Sunday, July 4, 2004
I've decided in celebrating my existance, thought I might start celebrating some of my forefather's and mothers that came before me and are responsible for me to be here today. So once a week I'll share a little I know about them. This is my great great great great grandmother Vickers. She was born in 1815, daughter of Micajah Paulk and Mary Catherine Young, both who were blind. She married Jesse Vickers. She was left a widow young. Jesse died at 24 years old. She reared all of her children in credit, the sucess they have acieved in life is a monument to her life and labors. She founded Hebron Church and was the central figure in that church as long as she lived. She was held in high esteem. When she died, the old homemade chair (hickory and a rawhide bottom) where she sat during the last days of pilgrimage on earth, was placed up against the wall near the pulpit and remainted there until 1970 when the church burned down by arsonist. There are many stories I remember my Pepa telling me about her but the one that seems to stand out the most from all others. There used to be a buggy trail alond what is now Baker Highway and they had a large foot-log across Reedy Creek to the church on the other side. According to what Pepa said, there came a big flood, a downpour, and it washed the footlog out of place. Rebecca went down there with some of her farm workers and they took an oxen with them to try and pull the log back into place. They worked down there a half-day and couldn't get the foot-log back into place. After a while Rebecca just backed off and said to the men, "Let's load up and go home. The Lord moved the log and if He wants it put back, He'll have to put it back. We can't do it" Not long after that there came another flood on the Satilla River and the river backed up and floated the log back into place across the creek.
Rebecca was a hard worker, she did have many black farm workers, but she didn't regard them as "slaves". She even integrated their church and some of her black workers were preachers and preached there. On the third Saturday and Sunday of the month, they would all load up in the ox carts and go to church in the morning and stay all day long. You wouldn't seee them going back home in their ox carts until the sun was going down just above the treetops. After the Civil War and the slaves were freed, a black man named Peter (Vickers) had been so faithful to Rebecca that she gave him a farm up there in that community. My Pepa said they even called him Uncle Peter and his wife Aunt Betsy because they were like family to them. She also passed down the famous chicken and dumpling receipe's that my mom's family are known for.
Great Great Great Great grandma Vickers was a woman of some property and as a guardian for her children, she had a unique way of keeping books. A strong strip of cloth was hung on the wall and a pocket was made for each child. When a cow was soold, the proceeds were carefully placed i the proper pocket, and in this way, her accounts were always kept correct. Peace to the honor of such a mother. I honor her memory.
This was kind of fun.
Saturday, July 3, 2004
Friday, July 2, 2004
From my earlier entry, you can probably tell this has been a trying day for me. It has! I've tried figuring it all out. I'm trying hard to walk away from the false self. Can I just say I'm feeling very vulnerable and exposed. I still feel tempted to turn to my comforters for relief, those places I've found solace and rest. I think I've tried so hard for so long to validate myself by trying to get my answers from someone else. I know I've got to look deep inside for all my answers. I don't want to go elsewhere to find my strenth, I want to be the one to offer it. I read Judith Heartsong's entry tonight http://journals.aol.com/judithheartsong/newbeginning/entries/778 The Cave, I felt myself asking How do I feel about my wounded and broken places, how am I handling them these days. I think I'm quite harsh with the broken places. I feel the little boy inside, at times I despise that about myself, and other times I feel strength in it. I tell myself grow up! I used to think I deserved the bad things that happened. I even sometimes thought maybe God meant for it to happen to me. But I know now He was furious about what happened to me. He never wanted me to hurt or suffer. I also think of my little niece and nephew and how I would feel if the wounds I was given, the blows I received were dealt to them. Would I shame them for it like I was shamed. The answer is NO! I'd feel compassion just like I know God felt or feels for us.
It's no shame that I need healing and it's no shame to look to another for strength, and it's no shame that I feel young and afraid inside at times. It's not my fault!
Whew a lot off my chest!
Sometimes it doesn't take much to get us down, does it? An unkind remark from a friend, a funny sound in your car, a financial setback, or a rough day at work can put a cloud of doom and gloom over everything, even on our sunniest day. You know you should be enjoying it, but everything clouds your vision and seems to be against you, making simple tasks a struggle. I'm speaking from experience. What do you do when you get down? I could give you a list a mile long of things I've done in the past. I love reading my internet friend's Barbpinion http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/BOTHSIDESOFTHECOIN/journal. I read it and I feel her faith. So now I try to look up and trust God to take care of me and see me through it however hard it may feel at the time. I think when we look up and focus on God, something good happens. We get our eyes off ourselves and gain a new appreciation of Him. Just try it folks, the next time your feeling blue, look up. He loves you! There's a purpose for our trials. Yes, life seems unbearable at times. Just don't let it keep you down. Just keep talking to Him. How does that saying go? "When life knocks you to your knees, you're in a good position to pray." I can't remember who wrote that one.