Monday, November 28, 2005

More thoughts

Thought I'd share my Thanksgiving.  I was lucky enough to get off early on Wednesday, so I made it home earlier than I had expected.  When I got there, the whole crew was there.  Dena was at Sherry's with Autumn, Eli, and Ethan.  I brought a soccer ball, some matchbox cars for Eli, a barbi watch for Autumn, and a little sound machine for Ethan.  When I got in the house, and mentioned to Eli that I got him a little matchbox car he said lets go get them.  We all played in the yard for hours, soccer and making up new games.  Then we followed Autumn as she wanted to play Follow the leader.  Even Ethan played.  I took a few random shots of them that day.  We all stayed up late, and played and ate.  Then got up the next day and went to my dad's for Thanksgiving.  All the food was delicious.  I took the kids out in the cotton fields and we all played outside.  Then I took Autumn to mom and Ray's and we spent the night out there, and watched movies.  I was awaken by the smell of breakfast cooking, and oh what a pleasant smell that was.   Andy came by later and brought Eli, and I took them on a few adventures.  Mama and me took them for a little walk too before I headed back over to Sherry's.  Grabbed a quick nap, and then we got ready and went over to Gina and Andrew's who had our whole family over for Thanksgiving.  A lot of wonderful food again.   Gina was so nice to have us all over there.  Cousin Christy and her husband Bobby came over and little Taylor Grace.  We had a housefull, Sherry took the kids over and roasted marshmellows on the fire, I think she ate more than the kids though.  The whole time spent with family just flew by as it always does, I always have to leave when I feel so at home.  Autumn tore my heart out with tears when I left.  She didn't want Uncle Derek to go.     I made it back home, Mike was working but made it home.  We joined the church on Sunday morning.  It turned out to be a bit of a stressful day that day.  Sometimes Mike and I just seem to bicker no matter how hard we try not too.  I dreamed last night I saw him as a little boy, and I saw myself as a little boy, those two little boys got into a fight, it was a strange dream because I could feel what both little boys were feeling.  I saw my little boy trying to make up, and say I'm sorry but his little boy just felt bitter, refusing to listen, turning on some music so he would not have too.  Then bedtime came and Little Mike couldn't go to sleep, he stayed up stewing over things, perplexed and confused.  Then my mama came to my little boy and offered a big hug, his mama came to him, and he crossed his arms not letting her hug him.  Then I woke up.    When I woke up I thought of many things, but most of all I was thankful.  I was thankful with my time with my family, thankful for all that I've been given.  Thankful that I have been forgiven.  Knowing I am forgiven.  I also find my heart being much more forgiving as well.  I think by forgiveness is the only way we can let go of any anger we may hold. 

Sunday, November 27, 2005

I love my family

I enjoy watching my family.  From Lance and his new girlfriend Amy, Dena and Andy, and all their little smooches, too Sherry and Mark and all their hospitality.  They are great entertainers.   Mom is looking especially beautiful.  I love her new smile.  It was great being home. 

Walk down a dirt road

We went for a walk down the dirt road and we saw an old well out in the middle of some land, we walked up to it and checked it out. I wonder about the hand that laid brick for brick for their drinking water. Then I looked up and saw Autumn and mom looking at some birds flying over, perfect shot. Now Eli wasn't too fond of the well as you can see when mom tried to pick him up and show him the well.  We kept going and came upon a dropoff with a pond.   Autumn and Eli enjoyed throwing rocks in the water.  We asked them what kind of animals were out there and they told us everything from alligators to lizards and fish.  No alligators but plenty of the other I'm sure.

Cotton Fields

I took the three out for a walk in the cotton fields, Autumn and Eli loved it, but Eli wasn't too sure of it, the cotton didn't taste anything like cotton candy to him.

Saturday, November 26, 2005



Monday, November 21, 2005

John's Weekend Assignment.

Weekend Assignment #86: Thankfully Remembered

Next Thursday is Thanksgiving, and, frankly, I don't expect to see too many of you around here on that day, so I thought I'd post a Thanksgiving-themed Weekend Assignment this Thursday:

Weekend Assignment #86: Who are you thankful for -- who you won't be able to spend this Thanksgiving with? This is a chance to tell us about the people you care about who will be far away from you this holiday, or who have passed on but remain in your heart.

Well the one that is still in my life, is Mike, he's working the day before Thanksgiving, and after, so he's not going to be able to make it to Georgia with me.  I'm thankful that his mom and him talked this week after many months of not talking.  So this is good.  I'm heading to Georgia Wednesday so am looking so forward to seeing everyone.  The people I am thankful for but won't get to spend Thanksgiving with, my grandparents.  Thanksgiving memories always bring them to life for me and my family, we often sit and revisit these memories of them.  Mema and Nana both seemed to enjoy Thanksgiving so much because their families were home with them.  I guess my mom is much like them now.  I'm thankful for all the many wonderful memories of Thanksgiving past with my grandparents, even the one where I gave the dogs the food I was supposed to put in Mema's refrigerator outside.  Why I fed it to the dogs I still don't know.  But they always love sharing that story every year.  I'm thankful for all the people I've shared Thanksgiving with in the past and they are no longer a part of my daily life.  I'm also thankful for all the friends I do have now, and they are with family.

Extra Credit: Pumpkin pie vs. pecan pie -- which do you choose for Thanksgiving dessert?  I'll take both, but I love pecan pie.  My mema made the best pecan pie, and my Nana made the best pumpkin pie.

Sunday, November 20, 2005


Oh what good food we had last night, we had our church Thanksgiving dinner last night,  Terri and George hosted it and their house was so, peaceful and warm.  There was so much wonderful food, my stew was a hit.  We all really had a great time, I was upset that I forgot my camera because Valerie and Rochelle brought their new addition, little Aaron Michael, he's such a beautiful and perfect baby.  Mike and I both held him and he was so sweet.  We made it home and I was tired and hit the sack, I dreamed I went to a restaurant, and Mike was dressed up like a big turkey, in a 3 person suit, he was the head and feet of the turkey but two women were the wings, maybe it was his mom and sister, but they were going around singing Happy Thanksgiving songs like Happy Birthday to each table, I woke up laughing.  This morning we went to church, and we had a nice service that seemed to touch us all in some way.  Our choir sang the song we've been practicing for the past few weeks, and my music was just shaking I was so nervous.  Now we're back home, time for some rest.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Saturday morning

At last a shining day that looks as though it will stay.  I have the morning for myself.  I got up early whining that I didn't want to take Mike to work, since Saturday is the only day I can sleep late.  It's turned out to be a rather pleasant day.  I got to the gym with Mike at 8:00.  Did a few weights, not much, but enough to get me started again.  Then I laid in the tanning bed.  I did a little grocery shopping.  Got home turned on the music, and started cooking.  I'm cooking another stew for the church dinner tonight.   I ended up making potato salad with the left over potatoes.  Made some egg salad too with some of the eggs left over for the potato salad.   I also made some tuna salad with some of the carrots and eggs.  I'm looking forward to my little lunch alone.  Tuna salad on toast and some milk.  I cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen.  Now I'm taking me a little break, while the clothes are in the washer and dryer.  I'm either going to go for a swim a little later or a run, havn't decided which yet.  It really is a sparkling day, with a little cold bite too it.  I have all the windows up airing things out.  I've been reading a wonderful book called "Making All Things New" by Henri J.M. Nouwen.  I've really enjoyed it.   It offers some nourishement to the soul.  I'll write more on that later.  I've never really mentioned this before but I started this journal almost two years ago during a hard time trying to get back to myself and trying to pull myself out of depression after the ending of yet another relationship.  I truly feel I'm on a rising curve.   The landscape seems suddenly peaceful today, no anger, no irritation.  So I sit today and feel blest in my love and welcome joy back.  I have had the blah's for a while.  Mike and I have been going through some things, but we finally broke down and tried to talk about our feelings.  The whole ad thing bothered me too, not so much as the ads but just a feeling that all were leaving, I am a big follower.  I jumped on the bandwagon as well and started working on blogger.  But I still feel compelled to stay.  For this has been a healing tool for me, and know in my heart it will continue to be wherever life or blogs take me.

Thursday, November 17, 2005


Lost was good last night, I really love this show.  The writers are wonderful.  I havn't been writing lately.  My family even commented on it.  Saying ok what's going on with you?  I've been in a funk even before all this ad stuff going on.  Honestly the ad thing is not what has been bothering me so much, it's the fact that I can post entries by going onto aol, I have to actually go to  and then post entries, so I'm still a little clueless to what's going on.  I'm so ready for Thanksgiving, I miss the little ones and my family a lot.  I hate Mike can't go home with me since he has to work the day before and the day after.  I wish he and his family were doing better or at least talking cause I know it is tearing him up.  I also hate not being with him on a holiday.    What kind of emotions does Thanksgiving bring up for you.  Mine are happy memories of family, friends, and lots of good food.  I think of my grandmother's and my years of eating two thanksgiving dinners in one day.  I loved it.  Maybe we should plant trees in remembrance of them this year, try something new, not sure just an idea.  I've kind of held onto that bug I had last week, but mostly feeling much better.  I'm at work, so better get back to it, but just felt like dropping a few lines in here.  Partly because I just felt like it, and partly to see if anyone's out there?  :)

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


I feel a little lost, well guess I'm learning how to post on instant message. I don't have anything good to say yet about all this, so I won't say anything at all, but I am testing things over at to see if I can learn more about their space.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

A living Prayer

Has anyone listened to Allison Krause "A Living Prayer", she definately makes bluegrass music cool.










Here are the lyrics.

In this world, i walk alone with no place to call my home,
but there’s One who holds my hand, the rugged road through barren lands

the way is dark, the road is steep but He’s become my eyes to see,
the strength to climb, my griefs to bear, this Savior lives inside me there

In your love i find release, a haven from my unbelief
take my life and let me be a living prayer, my God to thee

in these trials of life i find another voice inside my mind,
He comforts me and bids me live, inside the love the Father gives

in your love i find release, a haven from my unbelief
take my life and let me be a living prayer, my God to thee

I looked for a link to the song, but havn't found one yet.


thought I'd try this Frapper Map thing

I've seen this on so many blogs lately.

All you do is add your name, zipcode, photo (optional), and comment!  That way we can get an idea where everyone is from! 


Inside Myself

I wrote this poem, I think I've shared on here before called Inside Myself, I went looking today at art galleries and diffrent places, and when I saw this it reminded me of the poem I wrote.  The artist is Jennifer Woodall.  She wasn't there today when I got it, but I did get her email so I plan on checking with her what the painting meant to her, I found it very interesting.  Here's the poem I wrote.

Inside Myself

by Derek

Lost inside myself, reaching out to the universe. What will I learn?

Pictures in frames have changed with time, evidence of my journey, faces in trees that were meant to GUIDE ME.

I stand outside alone at night, close my eyes and feel something that surrounds me, it is then my spirit hears their voices, rise out of the darkness.  A sigh in the trees. "Our eyes are the stars that shine".  "Our love is the moonlight that gently whispers the night."  "Our hope for you fills each glorius dawn with light". "Our pride in all you have done, gives color to every sunset." 

Am I looking into the eyes of my ancestors, realizing I am on the path I was meant to take all along.  I'm no longer inside myself, I'm finding my guiding stars more beautiful than any other in this vast sky.


I thought this painting really went well with my poem.  Will be interesting to see what the painting meant to her.  As you may be able to tell, I'm feeling much better.  It's a beautiful day today, I'm sitting here windows open, listening to Elisa Korenne.  It sure is good to be feeling so much better.  I found out about chemo angels through my friend Chris over at

this entry tells you a little about it.  It's such a great organization, just wanted to tell everyone about it since Chris shared it with me, thought maybe someone would see it and take an interest.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Back at work today


Well here I am back at the grindstone, that Phenergan really wiped me out yesterday, I think I slept like 14 hours.  But at least I'm well enough to be back at work.  Still feeling a little funny on my stomach, but it's much better today.  I can smile.  But boy am I ready to be home already.  Thank goodness it's been kind of slow today, most Fridays are.  Not a lot planned for the weekend, Mike and are supposed to take a class on Sunday and two other Sunday's about being a new member of our church.  He got some movies for us to watch tonight.  I hope I'm feeling well enough to go for a run tomorrow the weather was so nice the past two days and I was trapped inside which I hated.  Everyone have a great weekend, and thanks again for all the well wishes.  I spoke to my mom today since she's off for Veterans Day.  Nothing like a talk with Mama when your feeling bad.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Feeling much better

Well I took in a lot of rest today, I did go to the doctors, seem this nasty stuff is going around.  I just woke up about an hour ago, slept most of the day, I got out of the house long enough to go get me some Hi-C, was craving some fruit punch.  I'm going to watch Survivor and hit the sack again, so I'm sure I will be ready for work tomorrow.   I want to thank everyone for there nice comments, maybe that's what makes me feel better.

Maybe my feeling of the blues were just linked to the fact that I was getting sick, or maybe me getting sick is tied to having the blues, not sure which.  I've been sick the last two days and havn't gone to work.  My head hurt so bad yesterday that I was having bad nausea.  I got up this morning and told Mike to get in the bed, he slept on the couch since I was so sick, so I told him to go get in the bed and get some sleep before he has to go to work.  So now I'm relaxing on the couch.   Well the computer screen is getting kind of blurry so I think I will go lay back down.  Hope to write some today if I can, maybe I need to just do it with pen and paper.  I hate being like this and being stuck on the couch or in the bed. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

Feeling Blue

No matter how hard I try to make myself feel good, it just doesn't seem to be working.  The true feeling in my stomach is not good.  I'm feeling blue!  I could go into a thousand reasons why I'm not feeling so wonderful, but for now I'll just say I might as well feel whatever it is I'm feeling rather than try and run from it or cover the feeling with something else.   I wish I could get this feeling out, it's a knot in my stomach or something that something just isn't right, I can't explain it any better than that, it's not irrational thoughts, they are real.  It's like my life has been so full of hurts, that a part of me feels that hurt is on it's way again.    The past with all it's hurts come back, and I feel them once again.  In my heart or in my head I know what is real for me.  But all I can know is what is real with me, and sometimes I want to know what is real for others.  Here I am going back to the Velveteen rabbit.  I guess we can only be real for ourselves and that is all that is important.  I'll sit with these feelings.  Maybe it's time I went to my psychologist again. 

Sunday, November 6, 2005

CrockPot Sunday and Sword Fighting

We had a nice day at church today.  It was crock pot Sunday and I brought a pot of my homemade vegetable beef soup.  It was a good day today our church had it's first members today.  Mike and I are joining next week.  After church we walked throught the park which is right by our church and they were doing the swordfighting, fencing stuff.  I think it's like roleplay, but not really sure.  But it was kind of fun to watch.  Like going back in time.  It was kind of funny to me for some reason.  I don't think you would catch me out there with all that gear in the hot sun just to get banged in the head.  I took a long nap today.  So got plenty of sleep tonight, I bet I won't be able to sleep tonight.

Saturday, November 5, 2005

Child in the Dark

Last night in my dreams I saw a child that child was me, he was embracing himself against the dark. He knows not why, nor imagines why. He only acknowledges the existence and the "feel of things" to come. He waits...He waits... He waits for the reality that will knowing come, He knows it will come...with a vengence and a rage, it will come, and he waits...   Life without pain, He waits... For neither shame nor sorrow He waits... He waits for the scars to heal, They are deep, The soul was wounded, And it lies there bleeding, until it too will come, with a vengence and a rage masked by duty. Oh, Yes!  It too shall come.   Muffled voices fall on a muted, numb brain, but he feels the tension.. he knows, Anticipation crushes his chest... and he knows. Oh God!  Please!  But he knows. Fear grips his eyes as it turns them to liquid. Light suddenly and blindly explodes the room It has come.   Somewhere tonight a child sleeps, curled inside himself.  He tries to reach the womb, nine months without pain, no sorrow, not tears. For in the womb there was comfort and peace.   The child will find much in this world, pain and sorry, joy and love. So for now he waits... and dreams of gossamer wings that will fly him to peace and a life without pain... He waits.   by Derek  


A few years ago I had a conversation about a book "The Celestine Prophecy"  It was a interesting book, that I really enjoyed at the time I read it,  there was a section about we choosing the life we are born into, and my friend told me he thought he didn't want to be born, that he was sad in his inbetween place, and although he still had to come back because there was things he still hadn't learned.  I had a dream last night and saw a child in the dark, although the child was me not him.  I saw him in the dark, then I saw a light coming, and thought about birth.  I finally wrote something with the word gossamer wings, I've heard that in so many poems and always wanted to use it.  So now I finally have.     

Rich Aroma

Paula DeenThe sweet aroma is filling the air I breath.  I checked out Paula Dean on the internet, she's one of my favorite cook's.  I picked this receipe out.,1977,FOOD_9936_29692,00.html

I'm cooking the "Lady and sons Vegetable Beef Soup",  the aroma is just too rich.  I'm making a huge pot of it, tomorrow is our Crock Pot Sunday, so there will be plenty for tomorrow.  Today has been a nice day, I went and got groceries, the Fridge is full and the freezer.  I even got some Rocky Road ice cream.  I'm bad, but oh well, I'll splurge this weekend.  Mike is at work.  It was so nice to have a clean house to come home to yesterday.  Although I did smart off at him last night when he tried telling me how to wash something in the washing machine.  My back or my lower back has been bothering me on one side, I went and jogged 6 miles today, and man am I sore, I was supposed to meet Mike at the gym, but don't think I'm going to make it, probably going to go put some ice or heat on it.  I'm feeling creative today, I need to draw.  I've been feeling it calling me lately.  I've been into the photography thing so much that I havn't drawn much.  But I've been seeing images in my head.  So I've got to draw or write prose or something.  Funny how it just hits me at times, and other times I can't seem to get anything done. 

Friday, November 4, 2005

It's Friday

Finally the day has come.  I look so forward to Friday's every week.  This was was even better because I came home to a clean house.  Mike cleaned today on his day off.  Now we can enjoy the weekend for sure.  I'm literally exhausted, rough week.  But glad I can just put my feet up and relax now.  O.K. I'm going to unwind some!  Have a great weekend everyone!

Thursday, November 3, 2005

Mysteries of Yesterday


of marble

shattered, lying in

 the dust of centuries.  

Statues, once

wreathed in magnificence.

contained of holiness,

lie toppled,


awaiting eternity.  

Upon a hill,

a temple,

long since stripped

of splendor,

material and ethereal,

stands in ruins


A mystery left in our minds...


Relationship is precious art

Known by millions, but shared by two.

Felt deep with each person's heart,

Relationship is precious art.

Strong friendships never torn apart;

Remaining old-beginning new.

Relationship is precious art

Known by millions, but shared by two.

by Derek


Tuesday, November 1, 2005

Happy Birthday Lance

Me and Lance about 23 years ago.

Well as much as I was hoping I was going to have a new brother or sister born on Halloween, it didn't happen.  But I did get my wish on a new brother.  When Lance was born, I looked so forward to sharing all of life's little adventures.  As I've said in some old entries, I prayed for a little brother from the time I found out my mom was having a baby.  He came into this world and was so loved by us all.  I think we all loved having his attention.  I wanted him by my side, I wanted to show him things.  I still remember his first smiles.  He always had a light in his eyes burning.  Always with love.  I can't remember anything other than that, it shines naturally in him.  Autumn, Eli, and Ethan are the same way.  There are many treasured memories I hold dear and so much laughter.  Hope this is a wonderful birthday for you Bro.  Seems the world we live in is so busy.   Seems time is just going by quicker and quicker, even though you still seem really young to me.  Man twenty six.  Your the best bro anyone could have.  I've really enjoyed you having  journal too, I love to hear what's going on in your world and you.  Just know I'm grateful and appreciate you and most of all want you to know how much I love you!  We all do.  Happy Birthday!  Man we had a lot of hair in that first picture!

Lance and me in Disney World