Friday, April 30, 2004

Meditation (Rain in the background)

My meditaion for today was to awaken remorse in my heart for prior misdeeds.  Accept the frank spiritual truth that problems in my life are the result of past actions.  Concentrate on Vav Hey Vav will now uproot the negative seeds you've already planted.  Well let me tell you it rained, it poured.  I love storms at the beach, i opened all the windows, and I laid down on my bed and got still.  Some of the wounds came back to me as I lay still.  Then this feeling of things I wish my dad had said to me, like "you are my son whom I love, I am well pleased with you".  I always wanted to hear those words.  Then in the quiet I asked God the same thing, but even though I didn't hear the words from him, I felt it.  I felt him telling me I am his son whom he loves, and he is pleased with me.  I meditated a bit longer.  You know the freshness that comes after the rain.  I feel like that right now.

My time machine (Vav Hey Vav)

Just wanted to say I'm much better today, yesterday I was visiting some old wounds, just wanted to share after my entry, I started visiting other journals and I found this one , the first entry being would you erase painful memories if you could.  Sometimes I think we go exactly where we are supposed too.  I wouldn't erase any of my memories, bad or good, they make me who I am today.  Vav Hey Vav, it's the transliteration of one of the Names of God, in the book I'm reading.  It means time travel.  Funny to start reading it today, with what I was going through yesterday.  I opened up to this page today, it said " When we want to undo past "crimes" in order to banish their painful effects from our lives and the lives of others, this name provides us with an ingenious time travel device.  Forget the Dramamine, this flight happens on a soul level.  Are you ready? Fasten Your seatbelt?  I was thinking yeah I'm ready.  I was ready yesterday.  Quantam Physics has always intrigued me.  I remember as a young boy dreaming of a time machine.  Well here it is, and I've had it all along.   I was just going back in time it seems last night, thinking about past wounds, waking up remose for some of my past actions.  Maybe by revisiting these places I can transform my past, reshape the now, and have plenty of joy and fulfillment in the future.   Well let's all fasten our seat belts.  I need to go sit with this one for a while.  I'm glad I have the day off.

Thursday, April 29, 2004

It's a boy

I had written earlier, that my sister was having another baby, she found out this week it's going to be another boy.  I'm so happy for her.  Another little nephew, a little brother for Eli.  I'm very excited.  Today has been a little bit of a struggle for me.  Not exactly sure why, it just has.  Guess I've been thinking about wounds of the heart.  The story of Adam's fall comes to mind.  It's pretty  simple and straight to the point, almost mythinc in it's depth.  Guess we all come into the world set up for a loss of the heart.  Then comes the story I'm much more aware of, my own.  Where Adam's story seems simple and straightforward, mine seems more complex and detailed, many more characters are involved, and the plot is sometimes hard to follow.  But I guess the outcome is always the same.  A wound in the soul.  Wounds are rarely discussed, mine only with my therapist.   Guess we all carry wounds.  I realize many of them started with my father.  Funny I get here in my writing, but then I start saying it's not so bad.  Actually it really isn't.  Sometimes I guess we think of these wounds, but thank goodness we having a loving father in heaven to help lessen these wounds.  Guess i just need to give them to him.  I'm really enjoying "The 72 Names of God",  great meditaions in it.  I'm sure I'll write more about it later.   Question to all reading this.  Have ya'll spent much or any time considering your wounds?  What brought your wound to the surface, or do you know your wounds? 

Wednesday, April 28, 2004


Well it's the wee hours in the morning.  Had a good day yesterday.  Saw my old friend David.   It's always wonderful to catch up with friends.  I think back of all the people I've encountered in the past with whom I've shared days, months, or even years of joy with but now I no longer see.  I'm glad I was lucky enough to keep David in my life.   Back in my school days when I met David, 7th grade I think, maybe 8th I was the most insecure fellow on earth.  He is still as full of life as he was back in those days.  It was awesome catching up and talking about life.  Our conversation changed a bit from that we talked about years ago.  Guess we're older and hopefully getting wiser.  I thought his wife was going to be coming too.  I was really looking forward to meeting her.  But she didn't come.  I especially enjoyed watching and listening to him talk to her on the phone.  He's a good husband, I could tell just by the way he talks to her, and from the things he shared about her.  A wonderful man he has always been, and has become a even better man.  Friendships are golden as Jojo says.  I really feel blessed to have a good friend!  Well I'm sleepier than I thought.  I'll write more later for sure.

Monday, April 26, 2004


I've been thinking today.  Nothing big, just life.  I'm 36 years old and I've always believed the greatest truth of all is to.... "BELIEVE".  In the last couple of month's I've been trying hard to do this very thing..  Changes, many of them I've been facing.  Many more coming my way.  My lease runs out May 31st, so I've got to be finding a new place.  Or decide to stay here.  No matter how hard we try we will never have all the answers.  We can wonder for the rest of our lives whether we are doing the right thing.  No one is ever going to answer these questions for us.  I've always been curious as to whats to come.  Time always helps.  But its up to us to go in the right direction.  I hope everyone is enjoying my journey.  I sure am. My wise old friend Dr. E, my college professor said "When all of life has been measured and sifted and simplified, we truly realize that nothing else matters as does love. I really believe that.  I could write for days about that subject, but I've only got 25,000 characters to work with.    Yesterday was fun, fun in the sun.  It was good seeing my couisins and some friends I havn't seen in years.  Tomorrow I'm going to see my best friend from high school, havn't seen him in like 15 years.  He and his wife came down for a funeral, his aunt died.  I can't wait to see him, he's the only friend that I've really kept up with from childhood.  It will be great seeing him and talking about old times. 


Sunday, April 25, 2004

I'm Mr. Clean

Call me Mr. Clean! I always enjoy cleaning my place every week.  It gives me a sense of accomplishment.  For a moment at least, life is tidy and has meaning.  Sitting here now makes me think of my neighbor growing up, Mrs. Ellen.  Mrs. Ellen was a nurse and she always made you think of hygience.  Her house was always clean and tidy, you could probaly eat off her floor.  I guess the world has made a lot of progress.  Back in the days disease was an act of God.  Then someone figured out it was just human stupidity.  So we've been cleaning up our acts, so to speak, ever since.  Wash your hands, clothes, behind your ears, food, and CLEAN HOUSE! I wish someone could invent something to get it out of our minds.  A cup of SPARKLE that will lift the dirt from our lives, soften us when we're cold, protect our heart, stop us from going bald, improve our tan, and make us nice and good!  Dreaming again Derek!  By the way don't try laundry detergent, I got some in my mouth today.  It was awful.  But at least my tongue is clean now.  Well heading to opening of the beaches to meet my couisin, and then to Sunday Supper tonight with Mike and Bette.

Friday, April 23, 2004

My dad (Little Ennis)

Have you ever heard the phrase "Your just like your father"?  That was not a phrase I heard much.  If anything we were not a lot alike.  I'm not ashamed of my father.  We were very diffrent.  There was never an easiness between us.  We were never very close, guess we still aren't but I know him.  And yes, I love him.  I was raised in a family where I heard love talk from my mother.  It was always soft, sweet, and gentle.  Dad on the other hand was louder when he talked.  He probably never heard the advice, "Don't ever strike or shout at your children, physical or verbal wounds may scar them forever."  He didn't really wear his feeling on the outside for anyone to see.  He didn't feel he needed to chatter a lot to be heard like me.  Even though we never talked about our feelings when I was  akid and weren't anything alike except maybe our looks.  I always told myself I know he cares about me.  Somehow I've always known that beneath the tough exterior was the most special, loving, and caring father in the world.  After all I did catch him crying every now and then in a episode of "Little House on the Prarie".  So anyway guess I just want to say I do love my dad, even if we've never really shared much how we feel.  He's a lot diffrent now than I remember as a child.   Sometimes I wish I knew him better.  He's still a stranger to me at times, but maybe I'm a stranger to him as well.

The weekend is finally here

The weekend is finally here!  I was so exhausted when I got home, I ended up taking a power nap, now here I sit with all this energy.  Just hung up with a friend I havn't talked to in ages, it's always good catching up.  I heard about this book, "72 Names of God", I'm going to look for it this week, I've heard wonderful things about it from a friend.  This weekend is opening of the beaches.  Sort of a start to the summer thing here at the beach.  Should be fun.  Well seems I can't think of much to say so I'll wrap it up and write more later.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

My Brother the Angel

There is also another thought that comes to me when I think of a tear.  My mother.   Or just any mother who may have lost a child.  I had another brother I've not written about.  He was younger than me.  I don't really remember him.  But I remember the tears.  I remember the sadness.  I never really thought about it much, until one night I was babysitting Autumn and just could not even fathom losing a child.  How it would almost take my heart if something happened to her.  i wrote this about my brother Daryl shortly after.

My Brother the Angel

A beautiful face I never saw, but a soul that will live in my heart forever.

Were you perfect when you came?  I saw you in my dreams.

I saw you in her eyes.  I saw you in her heart.  I saw you in her tears.

I know you must have gone straight to heaven when you left us.

That's where I pictured you, a perfect angel baby.

Maybe one day little brother...

I will hold you and tell you how much I love you.

Maybe you were just to perfect for this world.

You will always be innocent and pure.

I never realized how much she must have hurt until I saw our brother

Lance bring home his little baby Autumn, with the perfect little face.

Her black hair like I always heard you had.

She is so beautiful, unable to imagine my life without her.

Thoughts on Teardrop

I had a couple of people ask me about Teardrop, what form it was, what it means from my perspective, and how I even came up with the thought process of this poem.   I awoke from a dream the other night.  In the dream I saw a huge tear, who's it was I'm not sure.  I observed the tear, and inside I saw a new galaxy.  It wasn't a tear of sadness.  It was of life.  I saw myself in it.  I was happy and where I want to be.  So of course I woke up and wrote.  Writing first about the dream which ended up starting with Teardrop.  So first it was just about a dream, then the next morning after I was awake and much into the whole day.  I just focused more on a teardrop and what it does, and what it means, comparing it to feelings.  At first I wrote more of what a tear has meant for me over the years, but then the idea of the birth and life of a tear came to me, and it just kind of flowed.  I just  visualized the significance of a tear drop..all of the emotion and heart that is put into that tear as it leaves your body only to drip away into evaporation and nothingness..not a trace that it even existed.  I used free verse also to give it a pattern.  I use this mostly now in my poetry, because I can create almost like a picture with my words something I'm trying to express.  Thanks for all the kind words. 

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Wednesday's Ponderings

There are many desires that are written deeply into my heart that I cannot disregard them without losing my soul.  Writing is one of them.  This has been my one love since i was 12.  Drawing is also one of them.  They've been core to who I am and what I've yearned to be.  I gaze into my childhood, I see these desires, I think of the books and movies I've loved, these desires are here.  In ways I see it open up for me more.  In my writings I've had an advenure to live, I've always written of advenutres and my life as long as I can remember.   I've also written to try and heal; myself and others if possible.  The beauty of rescue.  I've also always been a fighter.  I've written to stay sane so to speak.  Mostly to deal with daily struggles of life.  I've also always been trying to let go of so much and express myself.  This  online journal has opened many doors that I never even imagined.  Doors to other people's soul.  I see many beautiful Doors and I'm enjoying this very much.

Some new news... I'm going to be an Uncle again.  My sister Dena is going to have another baby.  We'll find out monday whether it's going to be a boy or girl.  I can't wait.  I really enjoy being a proud Uncle.    Seems this entry has got me thinking more.  I'm going to be waking up at 3:00 like I read another journaler did last night.  Hope my message will be as clear as hers.

Geenivike and Ouray

Geenivike and Ouray

I try to invision a time we may have known each other before this time, I envision a young Indian maiden and the image of a great bird, whose images together represent the merging of spirits. It is as if a kindred spirit dwells between the two.  The bird is crying and it's tears represent trepidation for all of mankind, and it's heart bleeds for man's self-destructive nature and the many broken hearts and spirits.  My impression is that you share this sentiment, and it is that which compelled you, in part, to help others.  I perceive you to have a profound concern for those wounded hearts and spirits whose lives are so heavily burdened.  This is why I write this story about an insightful young Indian maiden who was a healer and interpreter of dreams for her tribe. 

This story takes place many years before the white man came to this land, where neither wars nor winters existed, and only American Indians wandered it's hills and valleys. Geenivike (Crying Bird) a young Indian girl, named by her grandmother who looked upon the child's sad birdlike eyes which filled with tears reminded her of the great ocean and named her Geenivike, which means water.  As a young girl gazing upon the stars with her grandmother, the tribe's shaman, she was told the birds would be her spirit guides.  Under the stars her grandmother told her the story of a young Indian princess that she descended from. There were majestic mountains overlooking the great waters, in her mind it was a magical place, home of magnificent giant redwood trees. She pointed up to the stars in the sky and told her of Tama, her face lifted upward to the sky. As the legend went this beautiful Indian maiden was cast under the spell of her shaman mother, who feared the girl's betrothal to a warrior brave of a neighboring tribe. The princess will awaken; the story goes, when peace reigns among all people. This is what will be in your spirit and destiny.  Geenivike grew and became wise for her years, and was very respected.

 In the tribe there was an Indian warrior named Ouray, whose name originated from being born beneath the Archer constellation.  A star appeared to the Indian tribesman in a dream asking to live among the tribe. The star appeared to the tribesman as a young woman who has grown weary of wandering the skies and would rather be near the people whose children play so happily. The young star woman appears to the man in his dream to petition his help.  In turn his tribe gives the star visitor a welcoming wedding ceremony, with dancing and prayers.  The star visitor is given choice of an earthly form, and transforms into a bluebird.   In seeking knowledge of what the dream meant he in turn asks Geenivike, who is respected for her wisdom in the tribe for advice and guidance.  

Geenivike smiles in wonder at the young brave, and asks him how the dream makes him feel.  He answers, "Is it so strange for me to wish to have someone to care for and who will care for me?" If not, why have I not found that one?  He's searching for what his physical form longs for on this great planet.  He wants to stay close to his people.  But he is still finding his way.  The star symbolizes the light, which we all seek in hopes of happiness and sense of belonging.

Geenivike had no answer for the Indian brave, but she sat and listened to him because she could hear the loneliness in his voice.  Every morning for the passing of seven suns, Geenivike came and listened to Ouray's thoughts on what this dream symbolized for him.  As each day passed, the loneliness felt by Ouray began to fill Geenivike.  Geenivike had a love for birds; the birds had been her spirit guides, and all birds she loved.  The bluebird came to her one day and told her of her travels, that she had met a beautiful Indian maiden, who could do all the work that needed to be done to keep her lodge in order and to satisfy her mate.  But this maiden did not have what she longed for-her mate.  As she sat under a large tree one day, I heard her ask me, Bluebird, is it so strange for me to wish I had someone to care for and who will care for me?  In listening to the bluebird she could tell this Indian maiden felt the same loneliness that Ouray had described, realizing that these two lonely people had the same wish, to find another who would love and care for them as they would care for their mate.  Geenivike planned to have the bluebird assist in bringing these two lonely souls together.

While listening to Ouray the following day a bluebird flew into their dwelling appearing ill.  Geenivike shared her concern for this bluebird and told Ouray that thiswas the sign in his dream, that he should follow this bluebird.   The brave became concerned, for the Bluebird had become a symbol of his partner and that which he longed for in his dream. As the brave walked toward the Bluebird, she began hopping, leading him to the Indian maidens lodge.   Distracted by concern for the bluebird's well being, Ouray failed to realize how far he had wandered from his home while following his feathered friend. The Bluebird saw the Indian maiden sitting outside of her lodge and when he came very close to her (to where the brave would see the Indian maiden), the bird flew away. The brave saw the Indian maiden and realized that he had wandered far from his home. He went to the Indian maiden to ask where he was.  The Bluebird sat in a tree and observed at first the brave was shy and the maiden would not talk, but they soon were talking and laughing like old friends.  She saw this and thought that it was good. Realizing that she had done all that she could and now it would be up to the brave and maiden.  The bluebird flew anxiously to share the events of the day with Geenivike.  After happily sharing her news she flew away into the evening sun.  As the bluebird flew to her home Geenivike contemplated how her Spirit had known that someday the two would find each other. Now it was good, she thought, that Ouray had someone who would see him for the man he was and the Maiden had someone that would see her for the woman she was.  Now they would each know they have someone who would care.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004


Teardrop by Deveil

Slowly it slips

                       and falls

         from the interior

         of the human soul,

a tunnel,

                   a passageway,

                                       a glimpse

into a tornado of feelings

whirling inside the heart

so beautiful



                                             and clear

uncapturable in its true form

the essence of all complete feelings.

For a moment

                     it dangles

                                   it hovers

                                                over the edge,


           ever so slowly,

           slides away into a destiny

           of nothing.   

Thinking again

I've been thinking today!  What's new.  About my entry the other day about cleaning up and organizing.  I can keep things neat and orderly and under my control in my home.  But the answers to my deepest questions lie somewhere else.  Sometimes fear locks me inside my house.  My incident yesterday I wasn't able to control.  That really bothered me.  Today I'm doing much of what I wanted to do.  I love writing and thinking, and trying to find a way back to my heart.  I so want to know what I am here for.  In many ways I know, but actually doing it, is another thing.  I long for passion, for freedom, for a life lived.  I want to know I have my hand on something that is real.  Going somewhere.  Sometimes I get caught up in what is ahead of me, I have from a young age.  Always  wonderfing what lies ahead.  I want to enjoy what is here now more.  Live more in the present.  I'm not sure I'm capturing everything that I'm feeling.  I'm trying though.  It's important for me to get in words sometimes what I'm feeling.  I think my mind is on overload.  I have felt very happy today.

Monday, April 19, 2004

Speeding Ticket

Well I got a speeding ticket today, what angers me about it was I wasn't speeding.  I've never had but one speeding ticket in my whole life.  Last time I was speeding.  This time I wasn't.  A car flies by me, after it does I look at how fast I'm going.  65.  I think wow they are going fast.  Then I see blue lights and think, hmm guess they are going to pull that car over, instead I'm surprised that they pull me over.  Tell me I'm going 77, and I say no the car that you just let go is going 77, I was going 65.  Long story short.  I got the ticket.  I'm not really that angry now, I was earlier.  Hate when your in the wrong place and the wrong time.  Well I guess I can sit around and mope about it or just go on.  Think I'll just go on.  Guess we hit these speedbumps so to speak in our lives.  Everyone jokes me all the time I drive like a little ole lady, no one's going to believe I got a speeding ticket.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

Sunday night, I mean Monday morning

Well the Sunday night supper club was fun, we grilled salmon on the grill, had rotini, my new favorite vegi, with pasta and peppers.  Key lime pie for dessert.  Boy am I full, and sleepy.  Today was beautiful, my friend Mike and I laid out by the pool most of the day.  I'm reading a new book, I'll tell you more about later.  Guess I'm pooped.  Can't believe it's already back to work in the morning.  Weekends never last long enough. We sat by the pool listening to Public Broadcasting radio, there was something on it about Adam and Eve, about how Eve was created within the lush beauty of Eden's garden, but Adam was created outside the garden, in the wilderness.  So I got out my bible and read a little Genesis, the second chapter does say man was created in the outback, from the untamed part of creation.  Only afterwards is he brought to the Garden of Eden.  Guess that's why as long as I can remember I loved to explore, the woods when I was a boy.  I've often said the only time I really felt I was where I belonged was when I was up in the North Georgia Mountains.  Last year seeing the mountain of Washington State.  I felt my heart come alive.  Like I was coming home or something.  Awesome feeling.  Well good night all, and have a great week.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Cleaning up

Well it's Saturday morning, and I'm cleaning!  It's a beautiful day out, and I'm ready to enjoy it. I've got my music going on .  Love my music when I clean. There's one thing that's been constant about all my journals if I take a look at them, I'm always cleaning up to make myself feel good, nothing like a clean house.  Does something for my soul.  Not sure what it is, it goes back a long time.  I love to organize.  Kind of feels like I'm organizing my life.  Funny something like this stirring my heart and making me feel alive today, but hey I'll take it.  I've watered all my plants, I love seeing things in bloom.  Just enjoying the day.  Well let me dance around a little more, i'm after dust bunnies.  Franz Ferdinand is on, good cleaning music, lol.

Friday, April 16, 2004

Remembering Papa


It was a magic world I lived in as a boy, stepping onto the boat with Papa was always an adventure.  Papa understood me and he always played along with my imagination, he went on my adventures with me.  Sometimes he would sit me on his lap and let me steer the boat, with the engine roaring he would whisper in my ear that we were flying.  As the wind blew through my hair I would inch my way to the front of the boat.   I felt as if I was flying, I would be right up front almost feeling the wind would lift me into the sky.  Looking into the water hypnotized me, and then a splash of cold water would hit me bringing me back to reality.  Every time I would look at Papa he would be smiling back at me as much as I was smiling at him.  When we finally did slow down and throw anchor, he would make our fishing trip magical, telling me of all the fish that lived underneath us, he said there was a magic fish and if I could catch him he would grant me three wishes.  He was a gold mackerel.  As Papa baited my hook, I would cast my line and sit with anticipation of catching this magic fish.  Spraying lemon juice on my head for luck, we would sit and talk about things.  As a flock of geese flew over our head, Papa would tell me to look, if it isn't the Bird family of V....'s flying over, that the V stands for well our last name.  He told me to really watch them, how they fly together in that v, all going in the same direction.  He would say if one falls out of the v that it is harder to fly because the wind that the wings of his brother or sister goose helps him fly.  He also wanted me to notice how when the lead goose gets tired they change positions.  The brother and sister goose takes turns.  And how the goose in the back is always honking keeping them at their speed.  Funny thinking that papa was trying to teach me a lesson way back then.  I'm thinking about my grandpa tonight as you can see.  My last memory of him was him saying Papa? What is a Papa.  You are a Papa I told him.  Papa has meant many things for me through the years.  Papa has always been a big influence in my life.  As I've changed and grown so has my appreciation and love for him.  I've always worshipped him and loved him for all that he did.  As a child I remember him to be powerful and storng.  I always felt safe around him.  He was "Papa" the most powerful man in the universe.   I remember Sherry and I hiding in the closet every Friday night and when he would come home around 11:00 p.m. from work we would jump out and scare him.  He acted scared and surprised every time.  Later I loved him for helping me so. with the little problems, I thought was big.  he had a great sense of humor and always loved a good joke.  Then I became a teenager: I still stayed with them most every Friday night.  I mowed the yards on Saturday mornings.  Hed laugh his hearty laugh at me because he could hear me singing over the lawnmower.  He was always measuring me on the walls and was so proud I was tall.  I always enjoyed the look on his face when he would do that.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of Papa.  The last thing he told me when he knew me was, I had come home to visit, and my Mema was fussing and saying why have you been gone so long, you upset your Papa, he looked at her and said, I'm not upset, I love you Derek, I remember the day you were born and I loved you that day, and have loved you ever since.  He didn't say anything else after that, he died shortly after. The hardest for me was the last days I spent with him, when he no longer knew he was a Papa, and he would ask what is a Papa.  I always smiled and a tear would come to my eye.  I'd grab his hand and say "You are a Papa!"


Just my mind, thinking again....

The purpose of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.  Proverbs 20:5

Lately it seems I've been doing some serious pondering. Life in general.  Lessons, still learning them from day to day.  2Peter 1:12 says "So I will always remind you of these things, even though you know them and are firmly established in the truth you now have"  Powerful stuff huh.  The question was once asked Who do you want to be-the critic in the stands or the man in the arena?  I've been thinking about how I've been living lately.  Thinking about what holds me back.  Sometimes I think it's just me holding myself back.  I don't want to be the critic and tell someone how they or what was done wrong.  I want to be in the arena.  I want a worthy cause.  I want to believe in myself.  I have talents that I need to dare to believe in and go after. Seems so many times I find distractions to keep me away from going after the things in life I know I need to strive for.  I'm a thinker, sometimes I can't sleep for my head keeps going long after I lie down to rest.  I want a stronger mind, I want a healthier body.  It's all up to me.  Maybe it's time for me to sit down and make a list.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

The last couple of days

Well, i'm back, I had a wonderful Easter weekend, and the past couple also.  On Sunday's I have this thing with some friends of mine Mike and Betty.  It's our Sunday Supper Club.  One of us always cooks and we watch "The Soprano's" afterwards.  Well this Sunday some friends of Mike's came down from North Carolina.  Denise and her three kids.  Along with two extra.   She's a school teacher. One of her students father had died from lung cancer last week, so she brought him also.  We all had a fun time.  We boiled eggs and colored them, and had quite an Easter Egg hunt.  Brough back many happy memories.  I missed my family bunches.  This is the first Easter I didn't go home in like 3 years.  Anyway had a nice time, did the beach thing.  Took the kids to the zoo.  I enjoyed the feeling of family.  Miss my family a lot.

Without You

I wrote this a while back, I still go back to it a good bit, seemed to capture the feeling at the time.


By Deveil

The depth of this realm is simply too vast.
Once I tried to maneuver people.
Now I use that power to manipulate words.
Such will be me.
How bright will my light be?
How long will the aches of the past last?
I will go on and shine in doing so..
The respect that I show myself
G R O W I N G !
The good deeds that I do for others
G R O W I N G!
My dreams
G R O W I N G!

Why does one want what he can't have?
Is it the bite of denial that entices us?
I am strong in saying it was never just lust.
Why did you touch the beat of my heart?
I struggle to hold onto my grace...
While lying in the dark.
To forget would be the ultimate sin.
You were given to me...if only for a while
To aid in my to always remember your smile.
This is what's happening when I'm

My first whippon

When I was four years old I lived in a trailer park.  My next door trailer neighbor was my best friend and girlfriend, her name was Rhonda Sartain.  We were inseparable, one day we decided we wanted a swing-set like some of the other kids had in the trailer park.  We started saving nickels, pennies, and dimes and decided we were going to buy a swing-set.  Much to our mothers surprise when we got about .90 saved up we decided we must have enough.  We decided to take off on our adventure and walk to the place that sold swing-sets which was a long way off, all the way to the end of the dirt road that all the trailerfolks lived.  Up to the busy hard road, that had cars flying by at all hours of the day.  The store was on the other side of the busy hard road.  First we made our peanut butter sandwiches and then we took off on the long track.  We had never ventured out of our yards before.  Our moms had always told us that we couldn't but for some reason we wanted to surprise them all with our new swing-set that we were going to buy.  This was a long winding dirt road passing many trailers.  We saw some of the neighbor trailer kids that would sometime come by or we may go to their house for a birthday party or something.  But mostly Rhonda and I just stuck together not really venturing out.  We had walked once this dirt road with her brother Wayne, who sometimes their mom would tell to take us outside that she needed some peace and quiet.  We only had about two more trailers to pass and we would be at the busy hard road.   We had already decided that when we got to it we would have to run real fast to get to the other side, so the cars would stop and we wouldn't hold them up to long.  In the back of my head I heard someone screaming my name, I looked back to see my mother hollering, waving her arms and running.  Our first reaction was we had done something wrong, so we decided to take off running from her.  We were so close only two more trailers and we would be able to cross the road to get our swing-set.  I'm not sure but we must have stirred up quite a dust storm, just a couple more feet and our feet would hit the road.  I saw cars passing quickly by, I wondered how they would know to stop when we would run across the street.  Our bare feet just touching cement and two arms wrapped around our stomach's pulling us back, looking up into the mad woman's eyes there were tears streaming down, her black hair blowing from the big semi truck blowing its horn without us even giving them the signal.  I then looked into her eyes, and said "Its ok we were just going to buy a swing-set.  From that moment on my memory fails me, but I asked my mother and she said that I received my first real whipping that day.  I must have blocked that out. Anyone remember their first whippon?

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Happy Easter Everyone

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

He was in the beginning with God; all things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came for testimony, to bear witness to the light, that all might believe through him. He was not the light, but came to bear witness to the light. The true light that enlightens every man was coming into the world. He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world knew him not.

He came to his own home, and his own people received him not. But to all who received him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God; who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, full of grace and truth; we have beheld his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father. (John bore witness to him, and cried, "This was he of whom I said, `He who comes after me ranks before me, for he was before me.'") And from his fullness have we all received, grace upon grace. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.

No one has ever seen God; the only Son, who is in the bosom of the Father, he has made him known.

John 1:1-18

Saturday, April 10, 2004

Thoughts for my journal

Well it's 3:30, I'm back from grocery shopping, I'm through cleaning, I've ran, so I'm through with my exercise for today.  So what's left but relax.  I've been trying to think of what I want this journal to reflect.  An idea, a purpose!   I guess so far it's just been a release of my heart and what's important to me.  I want this journal to show my passions, my true nature that I've been given by God.  Guess I'm still trying to find out who I truly am as MAN.  Finding my life worth living so to speak.  So this will be my journey into the high country of my soul.  I'll venture into the wild and uncharted regions.  It will be an adventure.  Thanks for being a part of it.  I only put this picture of me on this entry because this was an adventure I took in Washington State.  It was beautiful country.

Brand new Day

Well it's a brand new day, started my day with a run on the beach, it is beautiful out there, came home listened to a little music on .  My cousin Vicki came by for a little visit, she'd been out riding bikes.  I've been cleaning up a little bit, staying busy.  I'm about to head to the grocery store, my fridge is bare.  It's going to be a beautiful day, I'll write more later.  I'm on a mission, can't slow down long enough to write everything I'm feeling.  My emotions are on overload.  :)

Friday, April 9, 2004

Inside Myself

Well, I've been writing so much about my family that I havn't written much about myself this week.  I've really been enjoying this new online journaling.  It all seems to be flowing.  Learning more about it every day.  And loving interacting and discussing things through this avenue.  Glad it's Friday finally.  Looking forward to the weekend.  Relaxing, running on the beach, getting some rays.  And spending some time with friends.  Working on a poem, still trying to clean it up a bit, but here goes.

Inside Myself

Lost inside myself, reaching out to the universe. What will I learn?

Pictures in frames change with time, evidence of my journey, faces of stars that weren't meant to GUIDE ME.

Becoming more hopeless and afraid of never finding the way, never finding the path to my destiny.

I stand outside alone at night, close my eyes and feel something that surrounds me, it is then my spirit hears their voices, rise out of the darkness.  A sigh in the trees. "Our eyes are the stars that shine".  "Our love is the moonlight that gently whispers the night."  "Our hope for you fills each glorius dawn with light". "Our pride in all you have done, gives color to every sunset." 

Am I looking into the eyes of my ancestors, realizing I am on the path I was meant to take all along.  I'm no longer inside myself, I'm finding my guiding stars more beautiful than any other in this vast sky.

Still needs a little cleaning up.  But I'm getting there.



We use the word wonderful
so much, but sometimes,
it does not mean what it
should. Wonderful Eli,
You light up my life,
just being part of it..
You are a very Wonderful nephew!


My nephew who had been so anxiously awaited for was born with all of us there waiting to welcome him to the world.  My mind jogged back to when my sister first told us she was pregnant. We were all excited since this was going to be her first child.  Autumn has brought us so much happiness, but now we were about to find more happiness.   I envisioned a bright and chubby baby to spoil whenever I wanted. I traveled from Jacksonville when I heard Dena was in labor. I sang “Jesus loves me” the whole way there.  It all seemed so fast.  My first thought was why is his head shaped that way, I didn’t realize when they are first born, they have the long heads.  Aside from that he was beautiful.   When I first saw Eli, I again felt like God was talking to me.  Dena and Andy were so happy and proud.  I was so happy he would have two parents that loved him so much.  Eli has brought so much happiness in our lives too.  I love spending time with him, he’s such a happy little boy.  He too has grew so fast.  I’m looking forward to watch him grow.  I just wish I got to spend more time watching both my niece and nephew grow up.  I’m the only one that has moved away from the city and state I grew up in.

We all went to Disney World a couple weeks ago, I even got to babysit one night.  This little guy is a genious, he’s not even two and he’s already recognizing and saying the word dolphin.  He says my name very plain.  Bet he discover’s the cure for cancer.  Autumn and Eli mean the world to me, do I sound like a proud uncle?

Thursday, April 8, 2004


She came here to bless and be blessed.  When I first held her in my arms I felt a surge of thanksgiving for life.  As I gazed into her face of pure innocence. I realized what a creation of God's love she was.  I whisper word of encouragement, welcome to the world little Autumn, your life is a gift that has already blessed me and touched the lives of oothers, we all gave thanks for her arrival. 

All I can say is when my niece was born.  My brother's daugther.  Seems everything in life became a little clearer.  I realized how much my mother really loved me.  I don't think it was this crystal clear until I saw Autumn.  I wanted to protect her from all hurt.  Amazing to feel this way when I'm just an Uncle for the first time, must be magnified 1000 times when your actually the parent.  She has brought so much love and joy to all of us.  She has grown up so fast.  i can't believe she just turned four.  Here's the website I did for her if anyone's interested.

She's very independent, her own little lady.  Sherry is crazy about her.  And has been a major instrument in her upbringing.  I admire her very much for all she's done for Autumn.  Lance is a wonderful father, and Autumn just adores him.  She's got the a daddy she can laugh and have fun with, and he equally adores her.  I've really enjoyed being a part of her life.

Wednesday, April 7, 2004

My brother Lance makes it a tie 2 blues, 2 browns

They say the best comes last, well 12 years after I was born the one of the best additions to our family was born.  Finally a brother.  Wish I still had all those letters I used to write to God, all the promises, if only I could have a brother.  I prayed "Let me have a healthy brother or sister, but please let it be a brother."  Well my prayers were answered.  I remember Lance was sick with yellow jaundice when he was born.  He had to lay under a lamp with little baby sunglasses.  it disappeared and he finally got to come home to us.  I remember the first time he smiled at me.  We all loved him so much.  He's always been such a sport and smart as a whip.  I only got six years at home with him.  I always wished I'd had more.  He was a little karate expert, I remember taking him to karate and picking him up so many times.  I'd have these little adventures with him and act like we were going to another place while driving home, he'd say Hawaii, then when we're almost home he'd get scared and cry and say he really wanted to go home.  He's  always been a very loving person, now he's a man, and I still think of him as that baby brother.  He's got this wit that everyone loves, and he makes me laugh.  He was a great baseball player.  Well I've told you about my memories of my brother and sister's.  Now we're all grown so I guess anything from here on will be more of what's going on with our lives now, I may fade back to memories every now and then too. 

Brown eyes like me

Well a couple years after Sherry came into our lives, we were blessed again with another angel.  Dena; all I remember is how small she looked and she had brown eyes just like me.  Dena loved the outdoors, and animals; especially dogs and cats.  She was tough and had her share of broken bones.  I remember rocking her in the rocking chair as a bay.  She went through a tomboy stage.  She never cried when people got hurt on television, but let an animal get hurt and her eyes would ball up with tears.  Animal's loved her too.  She was always Nana's special little girl.  They were alike in many ways.  Dena makes everyone proud, she's like a little ray of sunshine everyone is drawn too.  She beautiful but it hasn't gone to her head.  She's easy to admire not only for her beauty , but also her inner beauty.  She has lots of faith.    I love my beautiful sisters..

Looking back at Home

Seems I've been doing some looking back.  Writing about my family, guess I've been thinking today at how it's changed over the years.  I wrote this poem about Home a couple years ago.


What is it? It's the shelter that keeps us warm.  The roof that keeps out the rain.  The carpet on the floors that keeps out the cold.  Oh, for me it's much more than that.  Home is where what is right, good, and kind. Home has changed a lot for me over the years.  Home is memories.  The laughs of my sisters and brother.  The smile and strenth of mama, the happy eyes of my dad.  Home was where I came back to after my first days of school and being bullied on the bus by this big ole girl.  I found comfort for all hurt there.  it's where our happiness was shared and our sadness was eased.  Money didn't seem so important back then.  Loving kindness was more important.  It's so natural for me to keep looking back and recalling all the happiness home gave me.  Home doesn't seem the same to me now but I know it's still there.  The memories are dear and I will always cherish them.  I wonder what's going on there now.  God bless my Home!

Now it's years later and I still think of home, I also think of my ever changing family.  My mom and dad have been divorced now for years, they've both remarried to wonderful people.  My family grows, I have a beautiful niece and nephew I'll tell you more about later.  I have another sister that I love dearly from my mom's marriage.  My sister Sherry is living in the home I grew up in.  I still feel pulled there every time I go home, it's still home to me.  I also have a brother-in law, and sister-in law.   This family is growing and changing.  Kind of beautiful.


Tuesday, April 6, 2004

Blue eyes

Another day at work, it's only Tuesday, and I'm ready for Friday already.  The highlight was me and my sister sending email's back and forth for a while.  Sherry, my sister has always been a blessing for me.  I was 3 when God gave me a baby sister. I remember running to greet her at my grandparents  when she was brought home from the hospital.  A little angel, I thought when I looked up in my mom's arms; these big blue eyes peering down at me.  Sherry was one of my first influences.  We were inseparable.  She was tough too.  I would knock her down and she'd say, "that didn't hurt."  She also caused me a great deal of whippons.  I really love her a lot.  People would say I acted more like her father than her brother.  She's not only beautiful on the outside but inside too.  She's funny with a great sense of humor.  We may not be perfect, we had our shares of fights, time of trouble, plenty of laugh's, and we could always trust each other through anything. She was something back then a little ballerina and tap dancer.  Then she won Little Miss Sweet Potato.  I remember being so proud of her when she won.  I've been equally as proud of the young lady she's become.  She's so smart and has a big loving heart.  I'm sure I'll be writing more about her later.  I love my family, so guess I'm just putting a little about them so you can see what a wonderful family I have.

Monday, April 5, 2004

Second Hand Lions

"Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe the most. That people are basically good.  That honour, courage and virtue mean everything; that power and money... money and power mean nothing.  That good always triumphs over evil.  And I want you to remember this... that love... true love never dies! Remember that boy...remember that.  Doesn't matter if it is true or not, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in.... got that?" 

This is just  a small bit of a powerful message.  This movie was beautifully written.  I wrote earlier I was a dreamer.  Well this movie moved me.  I love movie's that make you believe in things.  Now I'm listening to Suzanne McDermott.  "Golden Needles".  Well it's getting late, I better hit the sack.

My Mama

Well it's Monday, just got home from work, another beautiful day.  I started the ride from here to work, only an hour drive in traffic, by calling my Mom.    My mom has always been so proud of me.  I always remember how she made me feel when I was little, I would bring home a picture I'd drawn in school.  These pictures were never really works of art, but she always gave them a place of honor and , thtat made me feel important and loved...  In anything I've ever done, she always let me know that she was proud of me and that's given me a confidence in myself that I carry with me whereever I go.  Her support and encouragement has meant more than she'll ever know.  I'm so grateful for her and all the love she's given me.    She wrote me in a card once that whereever I go or do or think, that I an depend on her for complete and absolute understanding, support and love forever.  I love my mom, does that make me a mama's boy?

Sunday, April 4, 2004

Thoughts on a Sunday Afternoon

It's a beautiful Sunday afternoon, I'm sitting on my balcony in Ponte Vedra Beach.   The big picture for me today is to look out on this peaceful morning as the sun shines down on my skin, and the energy I feel from nature around me, the calming effect of the breeze in the trees, and the lake below.  Even the sound of the Ocean, which is only a minutes's bicycle ride away.  Just surrender to a higher power.  Just saying O.K. God, I hear you, thank you, and I'll do whatever you want.  I think we are all put here on this world for a purpose, not all will find this purpose, not all will find this peace or purpose but I can look into person's eyes and know if they have found it.  I remember the first time I saw it and I've been looking for it ever since and will continue until I do.  We are also put here to react to one another.  To trust ourselves , others, and the goodness of life, and the good intentions God has for us.  It's not easy though and problems will seem overwhelming and there will be days that scare us.  We may feel needy, scared, ashamed, or not want to get out of bed.  In these moments we may feel that things and people outside ourselves hold our key to happiness.  I've been told this over and over, now it's time to believe it and realize that people or things can't stop our pain or heal us. It is all up to us.  All change is left up to us and begins there.

Blues Festival

The Jacksonville Blues Festival was this weekend, Fri-Sun.  I had a wonderful time with my other cousin that lives here in Jacksonville, Our grandfather's were brothers.  Michelle, Jel, her girlfriend, and I rode our bikes over.   Listened to some awesome blues, drank a few beer's in the hot sun.  The music was awesome.  Not as awesome as this new Eric Clampton cd, but awesome.  We met some friends a little later out there, you can see them hamming in up in the cam in the third pic.  Now I'm just relaxing on Sunday afternoon.  Wonder how close I am to 2500 charaters.  May have to start a new entry.

Saturday, April 3, 2004

Mind Like a Hook

I went and visited my couisin Vicki and her girlfriend today, Vicki's nephew Jonathan was there for the weekend.  He was fishing in the lake you see behind them in the picture. He was trying to catch a "big one" as he said when I got there.  Vicki's grandmother and my grandmother were twins, so our family has been very close since we were little.  Fishing was always a big thing, our grandfather's were the best fishermen around, Our grandparents owned a lakehouse down in Steinhatchee, Florida and we spend many funfilled summers there.  I loved going out on the boat.  I've always been very close to Vicki.  When we were young we used to play Tarzan and Jane, she always played Tarzan and made me be Jane.  Anyway today was fun, and a beautiful day it was.  Not sure if I mentioned I was a poet too.  Today's fun fishing made me want to tie in two things, like fishing and writing a poem.


like a hook

at the end of a line

Dangling, beneath the water

Bait it- then



dart around

like silver minnows in a wave

sparkly in the sun


then gone

Catch one (if your lucky)

Quick- write it down

weigh it, clean it

Bait the hook again

Hope to catch the BIG ONE

Don't want to get hung up on the old tires or boots

Hey- got a bite

I think it's a big one.  


Got away!


Friday, April 2, 2004

Promises to a seashell

Today I woke up loving not only myself but the entire world.  Walking on the beach today I found a shell, funny how this small shell grabbed me.  I picked it up and made a wish on this shell.  With this shell I want to make into a neckace, is my new life shell, one that will empower me to make whatever changes I need to in my life. I wrote to a friend many of these thoughts. I guess my belief's. God's Love is a's not something we earn, it's not something we ever lose.. it is something we are born with and it's always with us..  The rules handed down are rules of relationship  If we break God's rules we don't lose His love, we lose our trust in ourselves and our ability to believe in God.. we also lose our trust in others, we damage or desstroy our relationships.  This is something I feel I've learned, not soon enought I add.  I've hurt people in my lifetime, that I'm not proud of.  I've also been hurt. If we break the rules of our relationship we lose each others trust.. but one never stops loving the other even if sometimes that is breifly turned to hate it is only the flip side of love and rarely ever last as hate.  What lasts and what is almost impossible to repair is broken trust.  God has loved us from the day we were born,  He does that with every new day He gives us to live; every situation He asks us to handle; and does that with ever person He brings into our lives.  I'm so thankful for all the people He's brought into my life.  I truly believe that what we really are searching for in our lives is someone to whom we can say "I love you" and  feel the freedom to express that, and that the person will truly love us back.  Trust is so important.    This is why, once I decide to make a commitment to someone it is total is not a guarantee that God will let us be together for life, but it is a guarantee that that as long as God will let us be together I can be trusted to honor our commitments to each other.  That is what I am going to be about that is the promise I made with the shell when I picked it up today.  Just remember God loves you, now it's up to you to find a way to carry out your mission in life within the confines of life.


Well this is kind of strange, I've been writing in journals since I was 12.   My mom gave me a journal when I was in the 6th grade on my birthday.  The card said "Write down your feelings, it's important to express your feelings somehow and let them be known."  I've been doing that ever since.  I have to date about 15 journals.  This is the first time I've actually written in a journal for others to read.    Seems I always wrote like it was going to be a book one day.  "The Diary of Anne Frank" was my favorite book back in those days.  I really felt I needed to express myself.    I've written all these years to leave something of myself, so I guess I chose to do the same now.  I'm also writing this to learn about myself so I can help in trying to understand others.  I've always thought of myself as a happy person.  Just look at that smile.  I'm 36.  I'm also gay.  That means happy right.  Some may think diffrent.  I think I've had a smile on my face most of my life.  I've always hoped there was good for me in the future.  Althought things do get tough at times.  I'm still trying hard to find happiness in myself, but I guess there's nowhere else we can find it.  Get ready for a celebration, a celebration of my exhistance.