Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Welcome to the World little Ethan

Uncle Derek loves you and will write more later.

Monday, August 30, 2004

Warrier with the Wolves

A couple of weeks ago I had a dream I shared with Judith Heartsong http://journals.aol.com/judithheartsong/newbeginning/.  I think looking at all her beautiful paintings made me dream of one.  Anyway this beautiful woman took me on a journey to a hillside and when we got there I saw two ferocious wolves, that looked as if they could tear me apart, in fear I took off running, when I heard the woman tell me not to be afraid that they were part of me.  I stopped and looked at her and she was smiling, then I looked at the wolves right as they were about to leap upon me, but instead of tearing me to shreds they just jumped into me.  They were part of me.  I've been meditating like she and Virginia had said, and I do believe somehow they are helpers.  When I went home to see my family I was shocked to by how much Eli had grown, Dena asked me how I liked his tshirt, it was one I had given him a year ago that he'd grown into, and on it was little wolves that I had gotten him while I was In Washington.  Guess these wolves have been a part of me longer than I realized. In my meditations I've been seeing myself as a warrier.  Above all else a warrier has a vision; he has a trancendence to his life, a cause greater than self-preservation.   The root of all woes and our false self was this;  We were seeking to save our life and we lost it.  We are being called beyond that I believe.  The quality of a true warrier is that he is in service to a purpose greater than himself; that is, to a trancendent cause.  Kind of like the heart of Jesus.  Wow would I love to have a heart like that.    Guess in my meditations I've been wondering what qualities of a warrier do I possess.  Have you ever asked yourself that question?


P.S. Pictures of my new nephew Ethan Zane will be added soon.  He was a healthy 8lbs 4 oz's little boy.  Eli welcomed him with a kiss.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Happy Birthday Eli

Happy Birthday Eli, my nephew is really a blessing to all of us, he had a wonderful birthday party, with ice cream and cake.  Made me think back of all the old video's of me as a child.  Eli's baby chair is the same one I ate from as a child.  They make such a beautiful family.  This has been a wonderful visit.  Never quite long enough though.  Seems like yesterday Autumn was two.  She's such a big girl now. 

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Home at last

Well looks like my family is actually living in the 21st century, I was surprised they had the internet hooked up on the ole computer so I can actually make some journal entries.  I'm home for the new addition.  They are going to induce labor tomorrow morning so Ethan will have the whole family here welcoming him,  We all went over to Andy and Dena's today.  You should feel that little fellow kick.  I couldn't quit rubbing her belly.  I picked Autumn up after school and we spent part of the day together before going over to Dena's.  Eli has gotten so big, I can't believe I've gone so long without seeing him, it won't happen again.  Even if I have to hitchhike home.  He's so loving and sweet.   Autumn and he were doing gymnastics tonight, while watching the Olympics.  The night ended with the two of them on my knees as I read night stories to them.  I sure love these two.  I'm looking forward to the new addition.  Well I'm beat and my brother Lance just got in from work, so going to catch up with him.  Keep my family in your prayers.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Quote from Hawthorne

"No man, for any considerable period of time, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the truth."

----Nathanial Hawthorne


Do you ever confuse the truth about yourself with a facade?  I keep telling myself I have what it takes.  I  want a deeper knowing though, there is knowledge about and knowledge of, when it comes to the two I think it is the latter we need more of.  Sound to me I'm still trying hard to find the real me.  I know I'm here.  I was thinking the other day, how close to the real me is this journal, I think if some people who read my journal that really know me, may be surprised I have all this in me, I've got diffrent sides to me.  Usually I'm a pretty quiet person, but there is always something going through this big taterhead of mine.  Mostly I'm thinking of who I am, and where do I go with this question, well I write in my journal, I pray.  I know my true name can never be taken away fom me.  There is something very deep in my heart.  I know where I've come from, I like to say I know where I'm going, but that's not all together true.   I'm still being tested every day, I'm not that crazy about tests either.  I know I have to face my Enemy.  Wow where is this coming from, kind of scares me again.  Am I still becoming a man?


Sunday, August 15, 2004

A wise friend of mine had this observation about life, it went something like this.  Have you ever considered that you have (whatever it is) exactly what you want... right now... I believe that is true for all of us...if we wanted more, badly enough, we'd have more   and another thought: whatever we have, its enough...   though those two thoughts might seem to be in opposition to one another, they are not think about it.   I've been thinking about it, and right now it holds true for me.  I've had a very nice weekend.  Hurricane Charley wasn't very bad here at all, was a little worried.  All and all the weekend was filled with getting to know someone a little better, and it has been nice.  I think Dena is about a week off of having the baby, sure hope it happens on the weekend so I can be there.   Well all hope your having a wonderful weekend, and enjoy the Olympics tomorrow.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

How many of you have spent any time around horses.  Close by the house I grew up in there was a pasture, that used to be full of horses.  I've only ridden horses once, but there is something beautiful about these wonderful creatures that God blessed us with.  They are beautiful and strong and if you watched them like I did growing up you can see they have a mind of their own.   Sometimes I see things with great strength as a thing of beauty.  I wish I were stronger.  Strength is what makes heroes.  Slavery was stopped by the strentgth of men, at a terrible price to them and their families.  And the biggest strength of all, and have we forgotten- the Man who let Himself be nailed to Calvary's cross.   Then there are the ladies, nope I havn't forgot about you. I know many heroic women to.  Most of the strong people in my life were women.  I'm looking for my strength.  Has it dawned on you that this world and our God need our strength?  What are we waiting for?  Who are some people you think of with great strengths?

Monday, August 9, 2004

Scary subject

In the course of our daily lives does the reality of the Devil enter your mind?  Are you unaware of his schemes.  I was thinking about Barbs entry the other day about the worrier, the critic, the perfectionist, the victim.  The devil no doubt has a place in our theology, but do we even think about him in the daily events of our lives?  Has it ever crossed your mind that not every thought that crosses your mind comes from you?  The burst of anger I've experienced driving to work in rush hour traffic, in the midst of everything else that may be going on in my life.  We are being lied to all the time.  Yet we never stop to say, "Wait a minute... who else is speaking here?  Where are those ideas coming from?  Where are those feelings coming from?  If you read about the saints from every age before the Modern Era- this pride-filled age of reason, science, and technology we are throughly educated in- you'll find that they take the devil very seriousely indeed.  So I guess I'm just saying maybe when these thoughts enter our minds, maybe it's just the devil telling us lies, making us think things that are untrue about ourselves.  In all that is going on in the world, makes me think of the spiritual battle I'm in.  What do I need to do I ask in my prayers.  Am I doing it?

Saturday, August 7, 2004

Saturday night

Well, I've had a very nice weekend, havn't been writing as much it seems lately.  But my mind is still full.  Just got back from the movies with Mike.  We went to see the "Bourne Supremecy".  It was pretty good, action packed for sure.  Walked on the beach, stormy weather, beautiful though.  I should have took some pictues.  I find myself at times letting go, and just having fun, and at other times find myself being a little reserved.  Not sure why.  No great words of wisdom tonight, just relaxing and having fun.  Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Monday, August 2, 2004

Tree of Knowledge

Ok everyone, I finally got some good sleep!  I had a very nice weekend.  Friday night my friend Mike came down to the beach and we walked on the beach and saw a pretty amazing Blue Moon.  Nice getting to know someone so interesting and caring.  So what is going on in my mind tonight?  Actually I'm quite calm and relaxed.   No worries, no fear.  Just me coming alive, and being happy.  No more sabotaging my strenghts, no more settling.  I'm a cunning, visionary warrier with a great mission .  I have a mission.  I've been thinking much of the past.  I've been tested so much in my journey.  There is still a bit of a struggle I feel.  Am I willingly turning away from my false self, or am I clinging to it?  I feel I'm being myself.  Guess I'm just fighting for my heart.  Does any of this make sense?