Saturday, May 29, 2004
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Unfortunately I only have a few moments to write, still at work, I got moved into my new place yesterday, it was a lot of work, but I survivied. I did get a surprise visit from two ladies that I work with last night that helped me clean my old place which was a great help. Angels, I tell you! I got a lot done yesterday, I still have a little bit more to do at my old place, hoping I can finish up tonight! I was so pooped that I didn't get to see my sunrise this morning, althought I got up at 6:30, unfortunately the sun had already risen. Guess I'll have to set the alarm for 6:00. I did bless every room in the house, and it felt good. It really feels nice in there, even with the air not quite working right, but I know that will be working soon as well. It's HOT! Hopefully I'll have my computer up by the weekend. I'm ready for J-Land!
Sunday, May 23, 2004
Yes, I want to grasp what life is really all about. I want to see the "big picture". They always seem to include blessings that are hidden in the obstacles and challenges that confront us. Does anyone remember seeing your first seed as a child. When I was little the first seed I remember was a watermelon seed. When I first saw it I was not sure what to make of it. I was young and my papa showed them to me because we were about to plant a whole bunch of them in the ground. Then I watched as they began to sprout, then the little fruit, that grew and grew. Then there came the day to pick the heavy watermelon from the patch, we brougt it to Mema and Papa's, he put it in the freezer for a short while and said we would eat it later. Then I bit into that wonderful fruit, and inside I saw all these seeds. I immediately put the watermelon down, and Papa wanted to know what was wrong. Well I had swalloled some seeds in my first bite and I told him with my eyes starting to get tears, "that I didn't want a watermelon growing in my stomach". He laughed his hearty laugh, and told me I didn't have to worry about that, but to just spit the seeds out. Seems everyone joked me about watermelon seeds after that. Even my mom told me later that was how you get pregnant. If I eat a white watermelon seed I'll have a little white baby, and if I eat a black watermelon seed I'll have a little black baby. She said she ate a black and white one to have me, that's why I was so dark. The funny things parents will tell children. When I saw the seed I perceived the watermelon. Isn't this how it all works. It's so easy to get stuck in the details of life and to miss the big picture. I know I've been guilty of actions without any regard to their future consequences. I guess seeing the big picture means learning to become the creator of our own fulfillment: to realize that the Light is the source of all joy. and to settle for nothing less! It means grasping the purpose behind a problem and the potential Light that awaits us when we confront our problems.
I really want to see the big picture. I want to see the effect of all my actions. I look back at all the chaos and crisis of my life and I wonder how much were just the effects of some of my actions, If I'm honest I'd say a large number of them. I don't claim to have learned this lesson, but I sure hope I don't have to keep repeating it.
Saturday, May 22, 2004
I was telling Gbgoglo about the writings of George MacDonald from "The Heart of George MacDonald. His views are awesome, and they have sure helped me see things in a new light. We ask God to father us, and to tell us our true name, this is something I've been working on, and will continue working on. I've noticed on my journey that I related well to Jesus and to "God" but not so good to God as Father. It's not hard to figure out why. Father has been a source of pain and disappointment to me... to many of us. Then I read this from "The Heart of George MacDonald":
"In my own childhood and boyhood my father was the refuge from all the ills of life, even sharp pain itself. Therefore I say to son or daughter who has no pleasure in the name Father, you must interpret the word by all that you have missed in life. All that human tenderness can give or desire in the nearness and readiness of love, all and infinitely more must be true of the perfect father-of the maker of fatherhood."
What kind of father do you think God is?
I know it's time to allow God to father me. We all learn out of intimacy with the Father. After all, who can give us the name we're searching for. God alone. For no one but God sees who we are. When I think of this there is a little guilt. Yes God sees me.. and what He see's is my sin. But I think that's not the way I should look at it. My sin has been dealt with. He's removed it from us. Our sins have been washed away. Washed it white as snow, isn't that how the song goes. When God looks at us He doesn't see our sin, He has not one condemning thought towards us. We have a new heart. I remember something from the bible but don't quote me, but it went something like, he will remove our heart of stone and give us a heart of flesh and put spirit in us. A new heart. I feel like the tin man in "The Wizard of Oz." A new heart feels really good!
It would be impossible to remember Nana without remembering what she looked like. She was SHORT, small frame with a nice smile However, the most outstanding feature was the sparkle in her eyes and her bright red hair.
The story was she was one of the lovliest girls in the county, and boys all over would roam the woods just so they could get a peak of her. She had a love for nature like I've never seen since. She loved her animals, and her farm. She had chickens, guineas, dogs, cats, and all kinds of birds. Everything was in bloom. She could do just about anything, she could sew anything, she did pottery, fished, even logrolled. She also ran a little diner. I loved visiting her there. She always gave me a place in the front by her at the cash register. I also loved going in the back and visiting with one of the cooks, Ms. Sally sure could cook. That was one of Nana's cooks. I don't think I ever saw Nana wear a dress, she was a little cuite. She wasn't really affectionate like my Mema, but I loved her just as much. She raised 5 boys and my mother. So I always got the feeling she liked little girls better. Her and my sister Dena always had a tight bond, kind of like Sherry and I had with Mema. Nana was very happy alone, her and my Pepa divorced when I was born. He was very abusive to her. There was a story that the first time he hit her was after she had their first son. She packed up a donkey with Uncle Andy and rode it all the way to her parents, well I'm sure you know how it was back in those days. They packed her right back up and put them back on the donkey for a long ride home. Nana made the best chile in the world. I still havn't ever been able to make it like hers. Nana smoked a lot, and one time I remember spending the night with her, and she would go to bed early and off the lights went, well I was a reader, so I got one of the lamps put it under the sheets so I could read while Nana slept. Unknown to me the sheets were smoking from the lamp. Well Nana smelt the smoke and came in the room thinking I was smoking under the sheets, she got a glass of water and threw on the sheets. When the water hit the hot lamp it burst, and scared me. She wasn't too happy that I ruined her sheets, and burst the lamp, but after finding out I wasn't smoking she was quite happy. She got me aflashlight and told me I could read as long as the batteries held up. Nana did become more affectinate in her later years, she met and fell in love with Stacey in her 70's. I remember the first time she brought him to meet us. She grabbed me and planted a big kiss on me, I said who is the red haired woman, and what has she done with my Nana. Stacey brought out something wonderful in her that I'd never seen. She wasn't scared to love anymore. She had a stroke a couple years later and survived it, learned to walk, talk, and do everything again. The only thing we couldn't get her to quit was smoking. She had a heart attack when I was in college and died, her last words were "How are the Guineas".
I remember the pear tree she had and the slip-gut grapes (concord) she had and of going into the garden area and having some of each. Nana had a garden until she died. I remember seeing her many times with her gardening tools and hoeing, etc.
Sundays always included a visit to Nana's house. Mama, Sherry and Dena would always sit out front under the big tree and talk. I sure miss those Sundays and Nana!.
Friday, May 21, 2004
Sometime in the middle of the night I awoke and in my daze of sleep I forgave. Not sure why this happened in the middle of the night, but I faintly remember forgiving in the middle of the night. I guess it's time for us to forgive our father's or anyone else that may have wounded you. I am sorry to think of all the years people may have endured some bitterness that I redirected at them from a wound that goes way back. As someone has said, forgiveness is setting a prisoner free and then discovering the prisoner was you. I stayed so unhappy for years because I felt my father didn't give me the love I knew I deserved. Then I began to think of him not as someone who deprived me of love or attention, but as someone who himself had been deprived somehow. My father had his own wounds I come to find out. I guess forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling, but an act of the will. We can acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we chose to extend forgiveness. I'm not saying that it didn't really matter. I'm saying it was wrong, it mattered, and I release you. The forgiveness in the middle of the night wasn't my father, that was a while back. The forgiveness was of someone who took something away from me at an early age. It's easier to forgive I think when you realize they may have had a wound that no one ever offered to heal. This is a hard one for many I'm sure, it's still hard for me.
Have you forgiven your father or those who have wounded you?
Thursday, May 20, 2004
This was in my email today from MountainWings.com thought I'd share it
It Shall Come To Pass
Have I ever started anything that I cannot finish?
The things that I have begun in your life,
if thou keep My covenant, surely I shall bring to pass.
I'm dogsitting tonight, so I've got use of the internet, it's nice catching up on everyone's journals. Thanks Barb for the beautiful comments on my last entry. I really enjoy that thought of each day being a blank page just waiting to be filled each day with whatever we chose to fill our days with. I've been doing a lot of thinking about everything, about the history of our relationship with God, guess it's the story of how God calls us out, takes us on a journey and gives us our true name. Once I used to think it was the story of how God sits on His throne waiting to whack us broadside when we step out of line. Not so anymore. I think he created us for adventure, battle and beauty; He created us for a unique place in His story, and He is commited to bringing us back to the original design. I've also been thinking about some of my fears that I have about the journey I'm on. Sometimes I let the fear take over. Let it cloud my decisions, and not let me see the real me. Guess there comes a time when you have to leave all that is familiar, and go on into the unknown with God, and just know you will be ok. Trust him. Guess He's calling me out huh?
Where is He calling you out?
A couple of months ago I was in the bookstore thumbing through introductions trying to find something when I came across this sentence, a sentence that just keeps coming back to me in one way or another. "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive." Seems in the last couple of years this sentence has been coming right at me through the people I meet, my thoughts, and now even the books I read. I know this sentence could change my life. Suddenly my life up till this point makes sense in a way that kind of makes my stomach turn a little. Why you ask? Well I'm realizing I've been living a script written for me by someone else. I'm not going to go in great detail on this, maybe later. Made short it seems most of my life I have been asking the world to tell me what to do with myself. But the so called scripts they handed me I simply could not bring myself to play for to long. Hope this doesn't sound negative, but in a world of posers, they can't do anything but tell you to pose yourself. Somethings calling for me to come on out of ME. Life worth living that's what I'm looking for. I've been talking about beginnings and endings lately, someone sent me something the other day and since I'm a writer I enjoyed it, they said don't think of it as a beginning or ending, just another chapter in your life. I liked that.
What would a life worth living look like for you?
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
I'll be so glad to have my computer set up in my new place, I sure miss making entries in my journal each day, and I don't have much time to do that at work, just a little over a week, and hopefully I'll be all moved and ready. I'm still writing, the old fashion way with pen and paper. It's actually pretty nice, sure has been quiet. Hope everyone's doing well, miss getting to read everyone's journal, I'm ready to do some catching up.
Throwing Dreams into the Water by Deveil
I cast dreams into the Ocean. We, the words and dreams sent bobbing towards the sunrise, The eggs of stone, a fragment of prophesy. We must conclude our melody and fall back to the sweet hush of One, I cast my dreams into the water on the big rock, Hoping to cross that wild infinity and on some infant shore again to run, The Eggs of stone, the pieces of prophecy outside the fiery circle of memory. The howling surf for me, the continuing years undone I cast my dreams into the water into a tapestry, our rolling drift again begun, The eggs of stone, the pieces of prophesy afloat once more upon eternity, once more the alien fury, never done Again, again, dreams into the sea, The eggs of stone, the continual fragments of prophesy.
Friday, May 14, 2004
Well I put my deposit down on the place today, can't believe I'm moving in two weeks. Endings and beginnings. I'm excited, happy, nervous, so many diffrent feelings. But I'm very excited for myself. I'm very tired, not sure why, I feel like I could sleep for 3 days. I probably could. I'm just happy the weekend is here.
This is a birthday note about my sister Sherry. This is about someone who never gets to hear, nearly enough, what a wonderful person she is. She's a person who has been thanked by my heart for a hundred things, but hardly ever... by my words. And she is an amazing woman who has always been appreciated so enormously, but for reasons that have only been known to me!
So, Sherry, I thought it might be time to do something about that...
I am sorry that I don't tell you more often how much you mean -- and how much you have always meant -- to me.
We have a closeness that doesn't need to be measured in miles. Ours is the warm and sharing kind that has always been measured in memories made, reassurance given, and the nicest kind of smiles anyone could ask for. You are a big part of my life, and you always will be. You are so good to Autumn, she adores you and loves you. I'm glad we have someone with such a giving heart as you.
And I don't know what I did to deserve such a great sister, but whatever it was... I hope you know that I treasure you so much, and I'm eternally grateful that we are "family". Happy Birthday Sherry! I love you!
Sherry's love is special
in oh so many ways
Now miles stretch between us
and minutes turn to days.
We've shared so much as children
the tears, the joys, the pain
A lifetime spent together
those memories remain.
In times gone by we've pondered
the paths our lives have taken
Knowing that in spite of this
our love unshaken.
My sister's love is special
in ways that are unspoken
Still that binding force exists
our love unbroken.
Well looks like one more year has passed by.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Monday, May 10, 2004
Sunday, May 9, 2004
I saw this on mountainwings.com and it reminded me very much of my mom. I called her first thing this morning and woke her up telling her how much I love her, and after reading this I said "Your Beautiful". She just laughed and said thank you.
You Are Beautiful
They are so beautiful. . .
It's a phrase that my mother uses a lot.
I used to wonder, "How in the world can Mama call them
I call things as I see them.
I didn't see beauty.
My mama would tell people this with an enthusiasm they
could feel. She was genuine. She wasn't telling them they
were beautiful to get something from them. Most of the
time, they were trying to get something from her.
I wondered for years what was wrong with Mama's perception and
vision. Couldn't she see that all of the people she called beautiful,
You were beautiful only if you had a certain figure and face
that was classed as beautiful by the laws of the world and
glamour. Yet when my mama spoke, people smiled as though
People magazine had listed them as one of the beautiful people
of the year.
It took me years to finally understand my mother's vision
and the phrase, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
My mama has a spirit that could see the beauty in a person.
Most only look on the outside and then compare what they
see with the standards the world has given them.
That was what I was doing.
Today when you leave your house, carefully look at the first
person whom you see and notice how beautiful they are.
They may be balding, fat, wrinkled, pimply, or any of the
other things the world frowns upon as beauty.
Look at them closely and look for the beauty.
If you really look, you'll see it.
I didn't believe that at first until I tried it.
Sure enough, as I stared and opened another set of eyes,
I was able to see the beauty in every person.
No matter how rough or worn a person looked,
each pain etched line held a glimpse of beauty.
You just had to look for the beauty. It's there.
When you leave your home this morning, look hard at each
person. You will start to see the beauty of every human who
you didn't know existed. Trust meand try this.
If you sincerely look, you will see it.
When you get home after seeing the beauty in faces you see,
look in the mirror.
You are beautiful.
Thank you mama for all of the beauty that you have not only
seen, but added.
Happy Mother's Day!
Saturday, May 8, 2004
Someone sent me this so I thought I'd put it on here, tells a little about me.
1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT? I'm in the process of moving shortly.
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING AT THE MOMENT? Life of Pi
3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Mouse pad? I don't need no stinkin' mouse pad.
4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Trivial Pursuit. I am convinced the cornucopia of useless knowledge learned from it got me through college
5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? National Geographic
6. FAVORITE SMELLS? Honeysuckle, Magnolia's, fresh cut grass, garlic, Baby after a bath
6b. LEAST FAVORITE SMELLS? the dumpster
7. FAVORITE SOUND? You've got mail.
8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? I left my lights on again, the battery is dead.
9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE? Mmmmmm, sleep, ten more minutes.
10. FAVORITE COLOR? blue and brown
11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? It just depends on wether or not I know where the phone is and if I am willing to socialize.
12. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Arianna for a girl, Trent for a guy
13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Inner peace
14. FAVORITE FOODS? Mexican, Italian, Soul food
15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? I love cinnamon vanilla ice cream, but chocolate everything else. Ooh, except milk, I love Vanilla Milk.
16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Erm, yes. I hate the feeling of sudden forced stops however and after the last one I had have decided to obey all road rules.
17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? no.
18. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? cool
19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? LOL! Toyoto Cellica
21. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Gin martini, dirty, two olives.
22. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? Sagattarius
23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Why not?
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? Just one where I'm doing what I love
25. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR? I wouldn't. I'm bald anyway
26. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? yes
27. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? I dropped the glass and it shattered years ago.
28. FAVORITE MOVIES? The Color Purple, The Others, Harry Potter movies, LOtR films, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and a host of others.
29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? Somewhat
30. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? Nuthin'
31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 9
32. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Is Iron Chef a sport? How about Survivor?
33. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU. I believe they are a librarian. Everyone loves a librarian.
Thursday, May 6, 2004
Take a moment to relax your mind and humble your heart to focus on God. Allow God, to be the only person on your mind, while you read this prayer. If we can take the time to read long jokes, stories, etc., we should give the same respect to this prayer. Friends that pray together, stay together. Dear Lord, I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear today. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day tomorrow with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day, and clear my mind, so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind, so that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. And, when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus' example - to slipaway and find a quiet place to pray. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me, so that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak. Keep me uplifted that I may havewords of encouragement for others. I pray for those who are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those who are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those who will click off this entry in my journal without sharing it with others. I pray for those who don't believe.I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my family, friends on the internet and people reading this entry. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes and that all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them and every mouth that confesses them willingly This is my prayer. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Thanks for your prayers thought I'd send one your way too.
Wednesday, May 5, 2004
Monday, May 3, 2004
What is life all about, lately I've been coping with fears. Trying to get past the anxiety and the panic attacks of starting over again. It's not all fear, there is also hope, hope for happiness, freedom, and the fulfillment I've been saying I want. I'm about to go look at the place I was writing about yesterday. I find myself asking, what am I afraid of, can I do it, will I have enough, just trying to conquer my fears I guess. Before the light there is darkness. I'm still trying to create light out of darkness. I've always battled my fears, I've always been a worryier, but I think I'm getting better. I've heard on the other side of fear lies paradise. That's where I want to go. All prayers are appreciated! :)
Sunday, May 2, 2004
The last entry made me think of my friends in my life now.
I have absolutely the best friends of anyone that I
know. How do I know that? I don't, it's just what I feel.
I am happy with my friends Mike, Bette, Dave, Wendra, Michelle, Vicki, Linda and Yelchen. Sure, we have snags, we all have faults, but overall I wouldn't trade them; I am happy. We didn't have our Sunday night supper club this week. Mike went to North Caralina to visit his family his Grandpa hasn't been doing well. Sure missed that tonight. And Baby, Mike's yellow lab, the most wonderful creature in the world. I love that dog. I caught up with my friend Wendra this week, she moved a while back and is teaching college in Georgia. Sure do miss her.
"Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what
you have." That's a quote that I remember from a little
boy. It's true, very true.
Society doesn't gear us to want what we have.
Otherwise, we wouldn't buy the new and improved version.
We are made to feel as though we need something different
to be happy, something better.
Are there better friends out there than mine? Maybe. Even if there were and I had them, would there then be a better one than that one? Probably. There is always something better, fancier, faster, more powerful, and more expensive. Always. If not now, it's coming. Computer programs keep us waiting for an upgrade. An upgrade supposedly fixes all of the current bugs. Often, the upgrade introduces new bugs. We are in a constant state of trying to get something better and different. We are often trying to be someone different, even when the current us is pretty decent.
If you are not happy being you, then who else can you be?
I neither want to nor have the ability to trade places with anyone. I am happy with myself. With all life's faults, with all of my faults and my continuing struggle to
improve, I am happy.There are a lot of others who have more stuff. But there
aren't many who are happier with the stuff they do have. I love my friends and am very happy with them. That's the key. Are you happy with the stuff that you do have?
Are you happy with yourself?
You are you and that isn't going to change.
An old proverb says:
"Be what you is, not what you ain't,
'cause when you is what you ain't,
then you ain't what you is."
Saturday, May 1, 2004
Every day somewhere in Africa
A gazelle wakes up
It knows it must run faster
Than the fastest lion around
Lest it be eaten
Every day somewhere in Africa
A lion wakes up
It knows it must run faster
Than the slowest gazelle around
Lest it starve to death
Every day it does not matter
Whether you are a lion or a gazelle
Because you must run faster
Than the chores of life!
What God sees when He see you is the real you, the true you, the person He had in mind when He made us. I've been asking God what He thinks of me today. I'm still trying to find an answer. Seems that ole devil likes to keep me from knowing sometimes. It's really hard here at times, seems when I speak these words, things sometimes get harder. Isn't that what the devil did with Jesus in the wilderness. Well I know we are forgiven. Our hearts are good. No matter what I don't feel my father is condeming. From that place we ask God to speak personally to us, to break the power of the lie that was delivered with our wound. I'm still working on the wound it seems. I'm glad he knows my name. What is your "name"? In other words, what does God think of you? Have you asked him lately?
My new favorite singer, she's awesome.