Saturday, May 29, 2004

My Sunrise Finally

I set my alarm for 6:00 this morning, walked to the beach in the dark, I was very excited I'd made it in time.  There were only two people on the beach, a fisherman.  And some guy with his phone that takes pictures.  I walked a bit waiting for the sunrise I'd been wating for and happy that I'm going to have many more in the future.  I knew it was going to be spectacular.  When the bright red of the sun first peaked it's way out it looked like a big red balloon rising, it came up so fast and took my breath away.  I said a prayer of thanks!  The light made me think of what it must mean when they say "Go into the light".  I just sat there enjoying every minute of it.  I decided to take a jog on the beach which was wonderful.  Got back home and read my 72 names of God, my meditation today was about Dialing God.  You dial.  You connect.  Your prayers are answered at the speed of "Light".  I had many thoughts watching that sunrise, much was about light.  I thought of the sun as a portal to the Light I love.  I got a lot of unpacking done, I'll be putting some pictures of my new place in here soon.  I'm over at my friend Mike's tonight.  So I'm on his computer.  I have my computer up, but they havn't hooked up my internet yet,  I'm waited on Comcast but they didn't show today.  Hope every has a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend!  Enjoy!

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Unfortunately I only have a few moments to write, still at work, I got moved into my new place yesterday, it was a lot of work, but I survivied.  I did get a surprise visit from two ladies that I work with last night that helped me clean my old place which was a great help.  Angels, I tell you!  I got a lot done yesterday, I still have a little bit more to do at my old place, hoping I can finish up tonight!  I was so pooped that I didn't get to see my sunrise this morning, althought I got up at 6:30, unfortunately the sun had already risen.  Guess I'll have to set the alarm for 6:00.  I did bless every room in the house, and it felt good.  It really feels nice in there, even with the air not quite working right, but I know that will be working soon as well.  It's HOT!  Hopefully I'll have my computer up by the weekend.  I'm ready for J-Land!   

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Back from packing

Well, my kitchen, bathrooms, and office are packed, now just my closet needs packing, but I'm just going to throw all my clothes in my car Tuesday night and bring them over.  Just the big stuff ready to move.  Three days and I'm there.  Keep praying for me guys.  I'm over checking on "Baby", she's got to run, going to take her out on the beach so she can swim.  Ms. Bette is coming over tonight, she's making pasta, and I've got some meatballs cooking in the crock pot.  And I've made a nice summer salad.  I love eating good on Sundays.   Mike is up in N.C.  for work so he's going to be missing some good eats.  I tried to make myself wake up this morning to go watch the sunset but I didn't make it to bed till the wee hours of the morning, so I slept late.  Can't wait till my first sunset at my new place!  Well I'm going to go hit the beach with "Baby"!

Derek and the Watermelon Seed

Yes, I want to grasp what life is really all about.  I want to see the "big picture".  They always seem to include blessings that are hidden in the obstacles and challenges that confront us.  Does anyone remember seeing your first seed as a child.  When I was little the first seed I remember was a watermelon seed.  When I first saw it I was not sure what to make of it.  I was young and my papa showed them to me because we were about to plant a whole bunch of them in the ground.  Then I watched as they began to sprout, then the little fruit, that grew and grew.  Then there came the day to pick the heavy watermelon from the patch, we brougt it to Mema and Papa's, he put it in the freezer for a short while and said we would eat it later.  Then I bit into that wonderful fruit, and inside I saw all these seeds.  I immediately put the watermelon down, and Papa wanted to know what was wrong.  Well I had swalloled some seeds in my first bite and I told him with my eyes starting to get tears, "that I didn't want a watermelon growing in my stomach".  He laughed his hearty laugh, and told me I didn't have to worry about that, but to just spit the seeds out.  Seems everyone joked me about watermelon seeds after that.  Even my mom told me later that was how you get pregnant.  If I eat a white watermelon seed I'll have a little white baby, and if I eat a black watermelon seed I'll have a little black baby.  She said she ate a black and white one to have me, that's why I was so dark.  The funny things parents will tell children.  When I saw the seed I perceived the watermelon.   Isn't this how it all works.  It's so easy to get stuck in the details of life and to miss the big picture.  I know I've been guilty of actions without any regard to their future consequences.  I guess seeing the big picture means learning to become the creator of our own fulfillment: to realize that the Light is the source of all joy. and to settle for nothing less!  It means grasping the purpose behind a problem and the potential Light that awaits us when we confront our problems.

I really want to see the big picture.  I want to see the effect of all my actions.  I look back at all the chaos and crisis of my life and I wonder how much were just the effects of some of my actions, If I'm honest I'd say a large number of them.  I don't claim to have learned this lesson, but I sure hope I don't have to keep repeating it.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

The Heart of George MacDonald

I was telling Gbgoglo about the writings of George MacDonald from "The Heart of George MacDonald.  His views are awesome, and they have sure helped me see things in a new light.  We ask God to father us, and to tell us our true name, this is something I've been working on, and will continue working on.  I've noticed on my journey that I related well to Jesus and to "God" but not so good to God as Father.  It's not hard to figure out why.  Father has been a source of pain and disappointment to me... to many of us.  Then I read this from "The Heart of George MacDonald":
"In my own childhood and boyhood my father was the refuge from all the ills of life, even sharp pain itself.  Therefore I say to son or daughter who has no pleasure in the name Father, you must interpret the word by all that you have missed in life.  All that human tenderness can give or desire in the nearness and readiness of love, all and infinitely more must be true of the perfect father-of the maker of fatherhood."

What kind of father do you think God is?

I know it's time to allow God to father me.  We all learn out of intimacy with the Father.  After all, who can give us the name we're searching for.  God alone.  For no one but God sees who we are.  When I think of this there is a little guilt.  Yes God sees me.. and what He see's is my sin.  But I think that's not the way I should look at it.  My sin has been dealt with.  He's removed it from us.  Our sins have been washed away.  Washed it white as snow, isn't that how the song goes.  When God looks at us He doesn't see our sin, He has not one condemning thought towards us.  We have a new heart.  I remember something from the bible but don't quote me, but it went something like, he will remove our heart of stone and give us a heart of flesh and put spirit in us.  A new heart.  I feel like the tin man in "The Wizard of Oz."  A new heart feels really good!

Well I started packing things at 10:00 this morning, getting everything ready for the move this week.  I'm tired, everythings pretty much packed, now to just get it all over to my new place, get the old place cleaned, and start a new in my new place.  Can't wait to start taking some pictures of the new place so I can share.  I can even start doing some sunrises since I'm right on the beach, at least one a week.  That will look nice in my journal.  Well I'm off to my couisin Michelle's they bought a new computer, so I've got to go take a gander at it.

I remember Nana

It would be impossible to remember Nana without remembering what she looked like. She was SHORT, small frame with a nice smile However, the most outstanding feature was the sparkle in her eyes and her bright red hair.
The story was she was one of the lovliest girls in the county, and boys all over would roam the woods just so they could get a peak of her.  She had a love for nature like I've never seen since.  She loved her animals, and her farm. She had chickens, guineas, dogs, cats, and all kinds of birds. Everything was in bloom.  She could do just about anything, she could sew anything, she did pottery, fished, even logrolled.  She also ran a little diner.   I loved visiting her there.  She always gave me a place in the front by her at the cash register.  I also loved going in the back and visiting with one of the cooks, Ms. Sally sure could cook.  That was one of Nana's cooks.  I don't think I ever saw Nana wear a dress, she was a little cuite.  She wasn't really affectionate like my Mema, but I loved her just as much.  She raised 5 boys and my mother.  So I always got the feeling she liked little girls better.  Her and my sister Dena always had a tight bond, kind of like Sherry and I had with Mema.  Nana was very happy alone, her and my Pepa divorced when I was born.  He was very abusive to her.  There was a story that the first time he hit her was after she had their first son.  She packed up a donkey with Uncle Andy and rode it all the way to her parents, well I'm sure you know how it was back in those days.  They packed her right back up and put them back on the donkey for a long ride home.  Nana made the best chile in the world.  I still havn't ever been able to make it like hers.  Nana smoked a lot, and one time I remember spending the night with her, and she would go to bed early and off the lights went, well I was a reader, so I got one of the lamps put it under the sheets so I could read while Nana slept.  Unknown to me the sheets were smoking from the lamp.  Well Nana smelt the smoke and came in the room thinking I was smoking under the sheets, she got a glass of water and threw on the sheets.  When the water hit the hot lamp it burst, and scared me.  She wasn't too happy that I ruined her sheets, and burst the lamp, but after finding out I wasn't smoking she was quite happy.  She got me aflashlight and told me I could read as long as the batteries held up.  Nana did become more affectinate in her later years, she met and fell in love with Stacey in her 70's.  I remember the first time she brought him to meet us.  She grabbed me and planted a big kiss on me,  I said who is the red haired woman, and what has she done with my Nana.  Stacey brought out something wonderful in her that I'd never seen.  She wasn't scared to love anymore.  She had a stroke a couple years later and survived it, learned to walk, talk, and do everything again.  The only thing we couldn't get her to quit was smoking.  She had a heart attack when I was in college and died, her last words were "How are the Guineas". 
I remember the pear tree she had and the “slip-gut” grapes (concord) she had and of going into the garden area and having some of each. Nana had a garden until she died. I remember seeing her many times with her gardening tools and hoeing, etc.

Sundays always included a visit to Nana's house. Mama, Sherry and Dena would always sit out front under the big tree and talk.  I sure miss those Sundays and Nana!.

Weekend Assignment

Everyone seems to have so much fun with these weekend assignments that I decided to try it myself.  When I was in the second grade we lived further out of town than any family, after school the bus ride alone it would seem to take till sundown before I would make it home.  We lived on my Nana's farm, my mom's mom.  The bus would drop me off at the end of a long dirt road and then I would walk home.  It seemed back then a long way to walk, but it was always an adventure for me.  One of my friends in the 2nd grade got to share those adventures.  Roy was a little freckled kid with huge coke bottle glasses.  He was very rambuntious.    We only lived about a mile apart and we met exploring out in the woods.  I had always had imaginary friends living so far from civilization, and in school i was pretty quiet and kept my nose to the books, or drawing.   Roy and I would spend hours in imagination of space, planes, or traveling back to prehistoric times.  We swam in the old ponds, which i wouldn't put my big toe in now.  I felt like Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn,  I loved to read so I was always making up crazy stories and we always were on an adventure.   We also had some wonderful fish fries down by his families pond.  Nothing better than catching our fish and then frying it, those hushpuppies with onions were delicious too.  We played pirates a lot too, and we both were excited when we got to play pirates in our 2nd grade play "Peter Pan".  Unfortunately or maybe it was a good thing we were in separate classes.  I probably wouldn't have done as well if we had been in the same class.  I do remember them letting him come to my birthday party in my class though.  Cupcakes for everyone.   Then 8 licks by Mrs. Barton, my teacher in front of the whole class.  I enjoyed this assignment.  Makes me want to try and remember more.  Roy moved between the summer of 2nd and 3rd grade,  I only saw him once after 2nd grade, it was my first year of college and I was being interviewed on television, "Town and Country", its a NBC show in South Georgia,  I was in our college production of "The Glass Menagerie",  and right before my interview, which I was very nervous about, this giant pig came up to me and said Derek,  I started laughing and said yes?  Then the pig took it's head off and it was my friend Roy, he was the mascot for this years "Pig Jig", it's a big barbque or something in a nearby town.  Anyway we caught up and shortly after not quite as nervous I had my interview, I wish I still had that tape of me, I was smiling ear to ear.  My mom said he's married now and has two little ones.  We didn't really keep up with each other.

Friday, May 21, 2004


Sometime in the middle of the night I awoke and in my daze of sleep I forgave.  Not sure why this happened in the middle of the night, but I faintly remember forgiving in the middle of the night.  I guess it's time for us to forgive our father's or anyone else that may have wounded you.  I am sorry to think of all the years people may have endured some bitterness that I redirected at them from a wound that goes way back.  As someone has said, forgiveness is setting a prisoner free and then discovering the prisoner was you.  I stayed so unhappy for years because I felt my father didn't give me the love I knew I deserved.  Then I began to think of him not as someone who deprived me of love or attention, but as someone who himself had been deprived somehow.  My father had his own wounds I come to find out.  I guess forgiveness is a choice.  It is not a feeling, but an act of the will.  We can acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we chose to extend forgiveness.  I'm not saying that it didn't really matter.  I'm saying it was wrong, it mattered, and I release you.  The forgiveness in the middle of the night wasn't my father, that was a while back.  The forgiveness was of someone who took something away from me at an early age.  It's easier to forgive I think when you realize they may have had a wound that no one ever offered to heal.  This is a hard one for many I'm sure, it's still hard for me. 

Have you forgiven your father or those who have wounded you?

Thursday, May 20, 2004

It Shall Come To Pass

This was in my email today from  thought I'd share it


It Shall Come To Pass

Have I ever started anything that I cannot finish?
The things that I have begun in your life,
if thou keep My covenant, surely I shall bring to pass.

Today's Hero

My dad was a pilot for some years, He was a flight instructor for years while I was a little boy.  I loved going up in the plane with him.  It was always a big thing when someone solo'd for the first time.  So my hero for today is Charles Lindburgh.  On this day in 1927 he took off from Long Island, New York, and began his historic solo flight across the Atlantic Ocean.  His plane, Spirit of St. Louis, landed in Paris, France, 33 hours and 30 minutes after departing.  Upon his return to the U.S. Lindburgh instantly became a national hero, earing such nicknames as "Lucky Lindy" and "Lone Eagle".  Since I've been writing about journey's, this must have been one amazing journey.  Just a man and his dream!

Calling us out

I'm dogsitting tonight, so I've got use of the internet, it's nice catching up on everyone's journals.  Thanks Barb for the beautiful comments on my last entry.  I really enjoy that thought of each day being a blank page just waiting to be filled each day with whatever we chose to fill our days with.  I've been doing a lot of thinking about everything, about the history of our relationship with God, guess it's the story of how God calls us out, takes us on a journey and gives us our true name.  Once I used to think it was the story of how God sits on His throne waiting to whack us broadside when we step out of line.  Not so anymore.   I think he created us for adventure, battle and beauty; He created us for a unique place in His story, and He is commited to bringing us back to the original design.  I've also been thinking about some of my fears that I have about the journey I'm on.  Sometimes I let the fear take over.  Let it cloud my decisions, and not let me see the real me.   Guess there comes a time when you have to leave all that is familiar, and go on into the unknown with God, and just know you will be ok.  Trust him.  Guess He's calling me out huh?


Where is He calling you out?

Life Worth Living

A couple of months ago I was in the bookstore thumbing through introductions trying to find something when I came across this sentence, a sentence that just keeps coming back to me in one way or another. "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive." Seems in the last couple of years this sentence has been coming right at me through the people I meet, my thoughts, and now even the books I read. I know this sentence could change my life. Suddenly my life up till this point makes sense in a way that kind of makes my stomach turn a little. Why you ask? Well I'm realizing I've been living a script written for me by someone else. I'm not going to go in great detail on this, maybe later. Made short it seems most of my life I have been asking the world to tell me what to do with myself. But the so called scripts they handed me I simply could not bring myself to play for to long. Hope this doesn't sound negative, but in a world of posers, they can't do anything but tell you to pose yourself. Somethings calling for me to come on out of ME. Life worth living that's what I'm looking for. I've been talking about beginnings and endings lately, someone sent me something the other day and since I'm a writer I enjoyed it, they said don't think of it as a beginning or ending, just another chapter in your life. I liked that.


What would a life worth living look like for you?

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Throwing Dreams into the Water

I'll be so glad to have my computer set up in my new place, I sure miss making entries in my journal each day, and I don't have much time to do that at work, just a little over a week, and hopefully I'll be all moved and ready.  I'm still writing, the old fashion way with pen and paper.  It's actually pretty nice, sure has been quiet.  Hope everyone's doing well, miss getting to read everyone's journal, I'm ready to do some catching up.


Throwing Dreams into the Water by Deveil

I cast dreams into the Ocean. We, the words and dreams sent bobbing towards the sunrise, The eggs of stone, a fragment of prophesy. We must conclude our melody and fall back to the sweet hush of One, I cast my dreams into the water on the big rock, Hoping to cross that wild infinity and on some infant shore again to run, The Eggs of stone, the pieces of prophecy outside the fiery circle of memory. The howling surf for me, the continuing years undone…I cast my dreams into the water into a tapestry, our rolling drift again begun, The eggs of stone, the pieces of prophesy afloat once more upon eternity, once more the alien fury, never done…Again, again, dreams into the sea, The eggs of stone, the continual fragments of prophesy.



Friday, May 14, 2004

Well I put my deposit down on the place today, can't believe I'm moving in two weeks.   Endings and beginnings.  I'm excited, happy, nervous, so many diffrent feelings.  But I'm very excited for myself.  I'm very tired, not sure why, I feel like I could sleep for 3 days.  I probably could.  I'm just happy the weekend is here.



Happy Birthday to a Wonderful Sister

This is a birthday note about my sister Sherry. This is about someone who never gets to hear, nearly enough, what a wonderful person she is. She's a person who has been thanked by my heart for a hundred things, but hardly ever... by my words. And she is an amazing woman who has always been appreciated so enormously, but for reasons that have only been known to me!

So, Sherry, I thought it might be time to do something about that...

I am sorry that I don't tell you more often how much you mean -- and how much you have always meant -- to me.

We have a closeness that doesn't need to be measured in miles. Ours is the warm and sharing kind that has always been measured in memories made, reassurance given, and the nicest kind of smiles anyone could ask for. You are a big part of my life, and you always will be. You are so good to Autumn, she adores you and loves you. I'm glad we have someone with such a giving heart as you.

And I don't know what I did to deserve such a great sister, but whatever it was... I hope you know that I treasure you so much, and I'm eternally grateful that we are "family". Happy Birthday Sherry! I love you!

Sherry's love is special
in oh so many ways
Now miles stretch between us
and minutes turn to days.
We've shared so much as children
the tears, the joys, the pain
A lifetime spent together
those memories remain.
In times gone by we've pondered
the paths our lives have taken
Knowing that in spite of this
our love unshaken.
My sister's love is special
in ways that are unspoken
Still that binding force exists
our love unbroken.
Well looks like one more year has passed by.



Wednesday, May 12, 2004

I'll Be Back!

Just a quick note, i'm at work right now, my computer is down for a while, so I'll hopefully make it in somehow and make a couple of entries, I'll be moving shortly, 2 weeks, can't believe it.  I'll be back!

Monday, May 10, 2004

When I was a little boy of maybe 4 all the kids in the neighborhood would climb up on this building and jump from the top onto a trampoline.  They all had so much courage and it looked so fun.  But when I climbed up and looked down, it didn't look so fun.  My dad who didn't like the fact that I was scared, climbed up on the building and decided he would throw me off the building.  It was quite terrifying, it must have been it's one of my first memories, I guess this was my first recollection of having a problem of letting go.  When I did let go I was falling and I didn't land on the trampoline but the springs.  Not too fun!  Seems I've had problems letting go ever since.  I don't always live in the past, but I sure visit there often.  I'm still trying to move forward, but sometimes it's easy for me to get caught up in the past.  I try not to hang onto much of the pain, but I am a survivor, and sometimes I do have to go back to some things.  Still healing I guess.  They are not all painful, many of my visits to the past are happy thoughts too, I visit them more anyway.  I was reading Barb's entry today.  It's all about choices. Well here I am 36 years old.  and I'm finally getting ready to jump off that building I was so scared of.  Ready..... Get Set.......JUMP!

Sunday, May 9, 2004

Happy Mother's day to all Mother's and mine

I saw this on and it reminded me very much of my mom.  I called her first thing this morning and woke her up telling her how much I love her, and after reading this I said "Your Beautiful".  She just laughed and said thank you.


You Are Beautiful

They are so beautiful. . .

It's a phrase that my mother uses a lot.

I used to wonder, "How in the world can Mama call them

I call things as I see them.
I didn't see beauty.

My mama would tell people this with an enthusiasm they
could feel.  She was genuine.  She wasn't telling them they
were beautiful to get something from them.  Most of the
time, they were trying to get something from her.

I wondered for years what was wrong with Mama's perception and
vision.  Couldn't she see that all of the people she called beautiful,
weren't beautiful?

You were beautiful only if you had a certain figure and face
that was classed as beautiful by the laws of the world and
glamour.  Yet when my mama spoke, people smiled as though
People magazine had listed them as one of the beautiful people
of the year.

It took me years to finally understand my mother's vision
and the phrase, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

My mama has a spirit that could see the beauty in a person.

Most only look on the outside and then compare what they
see with the standards the world has given them.

That was what I was doing.

Today when you leave your house, carefully look at the first
person whom you see and notice how beautiful they are.

They may be balding, fat, wrinkled, pimply, or any of the
other things the world frowns upon as beauty.

Look at them closely and look for the beauty.

If you really look, you'll see it.

I didn't believe that at first until I tried it.
Sure enough, as I stared and opened another set of eyes,
I was able to see the beauty in every person.
No matter how rough or worn a person looked,
each pain etched line held a glimpse of beauty.

You just had to look for the beauty.  It's there.

When you leave your home this morning, look hard at each
person.  You will start to see the beauty of every human who
you didn't know existed.  Trust meand try this.
If you sincerely look, you will see it.

When you get home after seeing the beauty in faces you see,
look in the mirror.

You are beautiful.

Thank you mama for all of the beauty that you have not only
seen, but added.

Happy Mother's Day!

Saturday, May 8, 2004

Qusetions someone sent me

Someone sent me this so I thought I'd put it on here, tells a little about me.


1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT? I'm in the process of moving shortly.  


3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Mouse pad? I don't need no stinkin' mouse pad.

4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Trivial Pursuit. I am convinced the cornucopia of useless knowledge learned from it got me through college
5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? National Geographic
6. FAVORITE SMELLS? Honeysuckle, Magnolia's, fresh cut grass, garlic, Baby after a bath
6b. LEAST FAVORITE SMELLS? the dumpster
7. FAVORITE SOUND? You've got mail.
8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? I left my lights on again, the battery is dead.

9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE? Mmmmmm, sleep,  ten more minutes.

10. FAVORITE COLOR? blue and brown

11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? It just depends on wether or not I know where the phone is and if I am willing to socialize.

12. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Arianna for a girl, Trent for a guy
14. FAVORITE FOODS? Mexican,  Italian, Soul food
15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? I love cinnamon vanilla ice cream, but chocolate everything else. Ooh, except milk, I love Vanilla Milk.

16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Erm, yes. I hate the feeling of sudden forced stops however and after the last one I had have decided to obey all road rules.



21. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Gin martini, dirty, two olives.


24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? Just one where I'm doing what I love
25. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR? I wouldn't.  I'm bald anyway


27. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? I dropped the glass and it shattered years ago.

28. FAVORITE MOVIES? The Color Purple, The Others,  Harry Potter movies, LOtR films, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and a host of others.




32. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Is Iron Chef a sport? How about Survivor?

33. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU. I believe they are a librarian. Everyone loves a librarian.

Time to relax, been a busy day, packing up stuff, feels kind of strange.  There are some good memories in this place, I'm almost sad to be leaving.  But on to bigger and better things.  Been thinking of my true destiny today.   How do we manifest our destiny?  Our true destiny is control of all reality though the force of our imagination, with the power of our thoughts guided by the Light within our souls.  How many times have you fantasized about having the power of mind over matter.  The ego blocks so much of the positve sometimes, we allow ego desires to guide our existence, sometimes being ruled by the physical.  We need to see beyond this.  I fail to write sometimes if I'm not feeling in a positve light.  Guess when I can reject any self-centered feelings, I can get past it and try and write.  In my poetry sometimes I hide iedas and principles inside metaphors and stories in order to reveal universal truths for my reader bringing forth the powers of observation to see the truth.  Where am I going with all this,  maybe we have the power of mind over matter in the grasps of our own hands, the soul over the ego, the spirtual over the physical.  I'm not renouncing the physical world but trying to eliminate it's control over us, to be the true ruler of our own fate.  Everything becomes possible don't you think.  Whew I think I need to give my mind a break.    I'm ready for some company, I've been alone with all my thoughts too long.  :)

Thursday, May 6, 2004

Well I sold the futon today, trying to get some extra money for the move, that thing was heavy.  My cousin Vicki bought it and she brought Aunt Edwina, my grandma's twin sisters daughter.  It was so funny when she walked in my heart just jumped, she looks so much like my Mema.  I sure do miss her.  Maybe that's why I always cook spaghetti on Friday nights.  I have a funny story to tell, after Mema died, I felt so lost, I stayed really busy at her funeral, making the printed rememberances of her, I even got up and spoke at the funeral, but I just didn't feel like I could say goodbye to her.  The day after the funeral we all were at her house and this little bird kept pecking at the window outside.  No one really paid attention to it, I mentioned it but no one was really paying attention.  That night Mema said to me in a dream, I was that little bird, I was trying to get your attention so I could see all of you.  But noone would open the window.  I awoke and a smile came to my face.  I still felt a little lost.  The same day I sat in my house sad and just lost.  When a bird flew down my chimney into my house.  It was strange.  This little bird flying around my house.  Again I thought of Mema.  I opened my door so it could fly out, but it wouldn't leave.  It just kept flying around.  So I finally walked out of the room, hoping it would fly out and not be hurt.  When I came back in the room it was gone.  And all the emotions came out, I cried for a long time.  I finally went and laid down.  I was almost asleep, when I looked up on my dresser and there was the bird just looking at me.  I got up and went to the bird, the bird wasn't scared of me one bit,  it let me put my hands around it, I walked to the front door and let it fly away, saying goodbye.  I said goodbye Mema.  It was very surreal and wasn't a dream.  I got to say goodbye after all.

A Prayer

Take a moment to relax your mind and humble your heart to focus on God. Allow God, to be the only person on your mind, while you read this prayer. If we can take the time to read long jokes, stories, etc., we should give the same respect to this prayer. Friends that pray together, stay together. Dear Lord, I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear today. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day tomorrow with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day, and clear my mind, so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind, so that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. And, when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus' example - to slipaway and find a quiet place to pray.  I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me, so that I may be a blessing to others.  Keep me strong that I may help the weak.  Keep me uplifted that I may havewords of encouragement for others.  I pray for those who are lost and can't find their way. I  pray for those who are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately.  I pray for those who will click off this entry in my journal without sharing it with others. I pray for those who don't believe.I believe that God changes people and God changes things.  I pray for all my family, friends on the internet and people reading this entry. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes and that all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them and every mouth that confesses them willingly This is my prayer. In Jesus' Name, Amen.


Thanks for your prayers thought I'd send one your way too.

Wednesday, May 5, 2004

Well it looks like all the prayers have been answered.  The place I was talking about called me back.  Only a block from the beach.  They just need me to say the word.  I'm really happy and hopeful, and still very ready to get this move over so I can be at a starting place again.  Order out of chaos, who knows maybe i'm more close to the middle than the starting line again.  I feel like I'm playing mother may I.  Worked hard today,  BUSY!  I'm pretty tired.  So think I may just read a little and hit the hay.  I'm reading Bill Bryson's "A Short History of Nearly Everything"  I don't really have a scientific mind, but this book intrigues me and is lots of fun.  It's funny too.   Keep me in your prayers, I  havn't moved yet.

Monday, May 3, 2004

Fear or Fearless?

What is life all about, lately I've been coping with fears.  Trying to get past the anxiety and the panic attacks of starting over again.  It's not all fear, there is also hope, hope for happiness, freedom, and the fulfillment I've been saying I want.  I'm about to go look at the place I was writing about yesterday.  I find myself asking, what am I afraid of, can I do it, will I have enough, just trying to conquer my fears I guess.  Before the light there is darkness.  I'm still trying to create light out of darkness.  I've always battled my fears, I've always been a worryier, but I think I'm getting better.  I've heard on the other side of fear lies paradise.  That's where I want to go.  All prayers are appreciated!  :)

Sunday, May 2, 2004

Happiness and friends

The last entry made me think of my friends in my life now.

I have absolutely the best friends of anyone that I
know. How do I know that? I don't, it's just what I feel.

I am happy with my friends Mike, Bette, Dave, Wendra, Michelle, Vicki, Linda and Yelchen.   Sure, we have snags, we all have faults, but overall I wouldn't trade them; I am happy.  We didn't have our Sunday night supper club this week.  Mike went to North Caralina to visit his family his Grandpa hasn't been doing well. Sure missed that tonight.  And Baby, Mike's yellow lab, the most wonderful creature in the world.  I love that dog.  I caught up with my friend Wendra this week, she moved a while back and is teaching college in Georgia.  Sure do miss her. 

"Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what
you have." That's a quote that I remember from a little
boy. It's true, very true.

Society doesn't gear us to want what we have.

Otherwise, we wouldn't buy the new and improved version.

We are made to feel as though we need something different
to be happy, something better.

Are there better friends out there than mine? Maybe.  Even if there were and I had them, would there then be a better one than that one? Probably.  There is always something better, fancier, faster, more powerful, and more expensive. Always. If not now, it's coming.   Computer programs keep us waiting for an upgrade.  An upgrade supposedly fixes all of the current bugs.  Often, the upgrade introduces new bugs.  We are in a constant state of trying to get something better and different. We are often trying to be someone different, even when the current us is pretty decent.

If you are not happy being you, then who else can you be?

I neither want to nor have the ability to trade places with anyone. I am happy with myself. With all life's faults, with all of my faults and my continuing struggle to
improve, I am happy.There are a lot of others who have more stuff. But there
aren't many who are happier with the stuff they do have.  I love my friends and am very happy with them.  That's the key. Are you happy with the stuff that you do have?

Are you happy with yourself?

You are you and that isn't going to change.

An old proverb says:

"Be what you is, not what you ain't,

'cause when you is what you ain't,

then you ain't what you is."

Sleepy Sunday

Well, I'm hopeful that I may have found something, only 1 block from the beach, it's smaller than my other place, it's a one bedroom, 1 bath, dining room, and office, everything is new, new kitchen, new tiled floors.  I really liked the way it felt inside, I'm putting a deposit down this week on it.  I'm hoping this is it.  But I won't get my hopes up too much.  Today has been kind of dreary, rained most of the day.  My back and neck was really sore.  I was thinking today about relationships, the one's I have with friends, the one's with my family.  I don't have a great deal of friends, I have just a few.  Not that I live in fear, but sometimes it's hard getting past some hurts.  Then I started thinking about God's relationship with us, and with the world.  That's a relationship.  As with every relationship, there's a certain amount of unpredictabilty.  and the ever present liklihood that you'll get hurt.  The ultimate risk anyone ever takes is to love.  One of my favorite writers.  C.S. Lewis says, "Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possible broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal."  God does give it, doesn't He?  Again, and again, and again.  I don't think much on all the hurt He must feel from all that's going on in the world today.  God's willingness to risk is just astounding-far beyond what any of us would do were we in His position.  Do we love as God does-openly enough to be hurt?   This is a hard one for me too.  I ask it, but many times I know in the past when it started getting scary or I was unsure, I ran, I hurt.  I did things that I really didn't want to do.  Guess nothing in life is free of hurt.  But I want to love that way.  I can't honestly say I'm there yet, but I want to be. 


Mema has always meant love to me.  Mema was loving and caring.  I always felt a strong closeness with her.  I've probably kissed her more than anyone in my life.  I've got so many memories of her.  I spent the night with my Mema and Papa every Friday night from the time I was about 2 until I was 18.  She always cooked my favorite every Friday, Spaghetti.  I remember as a young kid, watching Grand ole Oprey, and she would get up and start square dancing with me when they would square dance, then as Sherry and Dena got older they came and spent the night also.  The square dancing grew to us all 4 dancing with her.  She always had a big influence on me and was  big presence in my life.  I sure miss her, she always had pencil and paper ready for me every Friday night for me to draw on, and afterwards I'd tell her a story with my pictures.  She helped with my imagination. I can still see her hiding behind a smile, she did that, if she smiled, she didn't want anyone to see, so she would cover her smile with a hand.  She still lives in my heart and mind, and I think about her almost every day.  She died 2 years ago, and was the last grandparent I lost.  If I ever want to cheer myself up on a Friday night I start cooking spaghetti sauce, just the smell of it makes me smile.

Thought in the wee hours

Things I've wanted from life for as long as I can remember.  Happiness, Joy, Prosperity, Peace of Mind, Wisdom, Freedom, Enlightenment, and Purpose.  I remember opening the bible not long ago, asking for some answers, I'm just going to open the bible and the first verse I find it will be there.  I wish I could remember the verse now but it was something about being children of the light.  How do we find that light, can it be restored in our lives.  I awake early to watch the sunrise, sunlight contains it all, there is a fullfillment I find in each waking morning as the sun comes.  I'm sitting here in the wee hours of darkness writing this.  Spiritual light shines.  It's something I've always strived for.  I've seen it in many eyes.  I want to see it in mine.  I tell you its hard sometimes.  You have to be strong against the robbers of light.  I'm going to stand strong.  I know that when we display emotions of anger, fear or any   reactive trait their power grows stronger and our lives can grow darker.  Kind of scary talking about this, because I know I've let reaction create some pretty negative forces for me in the past.  Do we ever learn from our mistakes.  Well I better go back to sleep so I can wake up and see the sunrise.  Life grows brighter each and every day.

Saturday, May 1, 2004



Every day somewhere in Africa
A gazelle wakes up
It knows it must run faster
Than the fastest lion around
Lest it be eaten

Every day somewhere in Africa
A lion wakes up
It knows it must run faster
Than the slowest gazelle around
Lest it starve to death

Every day it does not matter
Whether you are a lion or a gazelle
Because you must run faster
Than the chores of life!

~Author Unknown~


I have been researching my family now for years. It all started when I was a little boy, I found that I could get the adults to talk to me and really open up when I would ask them questions about old pictures that were in the house. I also would hear wonderful stories that my grandparents would tell me of their families and parents and grandparents. What started off as a hobby turned into a passion. The old pictures in the scrapbooks I would see in my great aunts and uncles always fascinated me. Family reunions were my favorite times. I remember being a young historian, standing up in front of everyone at the church reunions and telling the congregation what I had learned. I began to study the field of genealogy through books written by the experts and many visits to the libraries. Genealogy has been a life-long passion, almost a spiritual quest. Though the Bible admonishes us not to `woship` our ancestors, it does say we should not forget who they are. A large part of the Bible is taken up with family lineages, and I believe they are still very important to us all today. Knowing who we are and where we came from goes a long way to helping us feel like we belong to something larger than ourselves -- we belong in the history of mankind. I also pray that all of us will come to the acceptance of Christ as our Savior, our Lord, and our Coming King, and be not only members of one family here -- but, members of the eternal family of God. This picture is of my great great grandparents, My papa's grandparents, the beautiful lady in the right top corner is my great grandmother who I still remember as a little boy.  She's my only great grandparent that I remember well.  I also added one of her as a young woman, and one the way I remember her.  

What God sees when He see you is the real  you, the true you, the person He had in mind when He made us.  I've been asking God what He thinks of me today.  I'm still trying to find an answer.  Seems that ole devil likes to keep me from knowing sometimes.  It's really hard here at times, seems when I speak these words, things sometimes get harder.  Isn't that what the devil did with Jesus in the wilderness.  Well I know we are forgiven.  Our hearts are good.  No matter what I don't feel my father is condeming.  From that place we ask God to speak personally to us, to break the power of the lie that was delivered with our wound.  I'm still working on the wound it seems. I'm glad he knows my name.  What is your "name"? In other words, what does God think of you?  Have you asked him lately?

My new favorite singer, she's awesome.