Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Call Me A Dreamer

I've been sitting here today dreaming.  I guess sometimes we dream our way through life until someone or something confronts us with the real world.  Nothing wrong with dreams, I mean the alternative is not to dream.  I love dreaming, dreaming of a better life.  Dreaming of being a famous writer.  I don't think I think too much of myself.  I know I'm a ok writer, and I enjoy it guess that's all that matters.   This is all such a learning experience for me, guess life is exactly that.  July 4th weekend is coming up.  I'm looking forward to it, and I am also leary of it.  There are a few parties I've been invited too.  I want to have fun this weekend, but I don't want to do anything to slip into some of my old ways by attending them.  I look back on my life to a time when I didn't have much of a conscience.  It's like one day God just gave me a gift, that gift was a conscience.  It has been a guiding light for me, and has told me wrong from right.  Things that were once fun for me are not anymore.  I've talked about this with my friend Wendy.  She said we're just growing up.  I guess so, I wonder sometimes why I got this gift so late in life.  I know I've always had it, but I think maybe I had hidden that gift.  Sometimes I guess we're just not ready for some gifts.  Keep me in thoughts this weekend.  Hope you all have a safe and wonderful fourth.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Inside Derek

Inside Derek

Lost inside myself

Reaching out to anyone

Who might be able to save me


Pictures in frames change with time

Evidence of my journey

Faces of stars that weren't meant to

        GUIDE ME


Becoming more hopless and afraid

of never finding the way 

Never finding the path to my destiny


I stand outside alone at night, close my eyes

And feel something that surrounds me

It is then my spirit hears their voices

rise out of the darkness

A sigh in the trees...


"Our eyes are the stars that shine"

"Our love is the moonlight that gently whispers the night"

"Our hope for you fills each glorius dawn with light"

"Our pride in all you have done, gives color to every sunset"


You look into the eyes of your ancestors

And realize you were on the path you were meant to take all along

No longer inside yourself, you finding your guiding stars

More beautiful than any other in the vast sky.

Drawing of little Virginia

A couple of years ago, someone came into my life.  I was thinking about her tonight.  We lived together for two years up until about 4 months ago.  I often wonder why she came into my life.  Guess the answers lie in what I learned from living with her.  When I first saw her, i saw something in her eyes, something familiar, like she had felt some of the same pains in life that I had.  We both met during a hard time, it was another beginning.  Someone had just ended a three year relationship with me whom I cared for tremendously.  She had just ended a relationship.  Friendship grew fast and we learned much about each other.  We shared many feelings about life, and just everyday life was fun.  We enjoyed our time together.  We had a connection I cannot deny.  We talked about our wounds together.  We healed together.  Then in like one moment something happened.  She had a breakdown.  I havn't seen her since this happened, just talked a few times on the phone.  We both knew we were about to embark on new lives.  I just didn't know it was going to happen so quickly.  She lives up north now on her fathers farm, healing.  I keep her in my prayers.  I pray for that little girl.  I pray that she can heal and not continue being a victim.  I hope she can become a witness and learn to protect that little girl.

Monday, June 28, 2004

Morning thoughts

You ever just wake up with a thought, and just go with it.  That's what I did today.  I was thinking about that wonderful feeling you get when you first meet someone you care about a lot.  The feeling when those feeling are returned.  The crazy pitter patter kind of beating of the heart.  Has it been a long time since you've felt that.  I like that feeling.  Now for the thought.  I was thinking try and find that with yourself.  I'm not talking about being vain.  I just mean, find that crazy pitter patter feeling within yourself, just loving yourself.    Today was good, it wasn't easy, it had it's series of little tests.  This was a little about what is in my heart today.  Another one of those brand new days.  Feeling like I can do anything in the world if I set my mind to it.  I feel my true heart calling.  Not sure what it's calling me to do, but it's calling.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Alone again

Well this was a wonderful visit.   Funny how my family always seems to know when I'm feeling lonely or anything, and just show up spur of the moment.  Today was beautiful.  We had a nice brunch on the beach.  I'm thinking about going vegitarian. It really was great having them in my place this weekend.  Sure is QUIET now!

Saturday, June 26, 2004

It's been a beautiful Summer Day

It's been a fun day, we spent most of it on the beach.  Had a good lunch here at the house, walked back to the beach.  Autumn loved the water, we did have a little scare when I had her on my shoulders and a wave knocked her right off them.  I pulled her up out of the water and she said.  "That wave was trying to kill me".  Didn't phase her one bit though, she loved it.  She even laid it the sand and made angels like Northerners do in the snow.  We took a little trip to the health food store to get my favorite almonds and realized, Autumn and I need a nap.  Mama and Sherry dropped us off so they could do some power shopping, and Autumns been out hard since they left.  A huge storm has come up like I havn't seen in years, and she's slept right through it.  Sherry called and said the electricity is off at the store they are at, and they are waiting it out there.  Funny how the weather can change so quickly.

Friday, June 25, 2004

Late Night Visitors

What a blessing I received tonight, My mom, sister Sherry, and niece Autumn came to visit for the weekend.  They got here around 10:00 tonight, they loved my new place.  We walked down to the beach, Autumn loved playing in the Ocean.  Well just had to put some pics on here.  Plan on taking some good ones this weekend.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Thank You

Can I just say I was very surprised when I got the email yesterday that I had been chosen for the Editor's pick for top 5.  Thanks from me to all of you that have made this journaling experiece what it has been for me.  It has brought healing, happiness, and much joy. 




My friend the Radioioguy

My good friend is the radioioguy, if your wondering who that is, well to me he's just a great friend who I've known for the past couple of years.  It's hard to believe how much he's grown in the last 4 years.  Starting off in a spare room in his home and growing to what it is today.

Top-rated Internet radioio  launched a total of twelve new subscription streams withinPhoto: Mike Roe the first three months of this year.

Mikes or the radioioguys first set of new streams  included Alternative rock, Acoustic, Ambient, 70s progressive rock, 80s Alternative rock, contemporary Jazz, and 20th century Classical formats. The streams will be available in hi- and lo-bit Real, Windows Media, and streaming MP3 streams.

IoMediaPartners, radioio's parent company, has just completed a first round financing. According to Arbitron, radioio was the second most-listened-to Net radio channel in December, behind MusicMatch's Artist Match station. Both channels were the only two to stream more than 1 million hours of programming last month.

Mike is very ambitious, I've always said I hope it rubs off on me sometime.  It's great having good friends.   The picture above is of us on the space needle in Seattle, Washington.  I really loved it out there, have you ever been somwhere before and you just knew you were supposed to be there, or it felt familiar and you were just at peace?  I feel lucky and blessed to have friends like Bette, Wendy, and Ginni in my life for the last two years. 

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Eli's growing up

Wonder how long it will be before he get's his driver's license.  Time sure flies.  It seems just like yesterday he was born.  I'm going home soon.  I havn't even got to see my sister with a little belly on her.  I bet she's glowing. 

Tuesday, June 22, 2004


My mind is full tonight as it is many nights.  So I fill my journal with thought.  What is man for?  If you know what something is designed to do, then you know its purpose in life.  Baby, she loves the water; a eagle loves to soar; a lion loves to hunt.  It's what they are made for.  Desire reveals design, and design reveals destiny.  In the case of us, HUMANS, our design is revealed by our own desires.  When I was young, I've always said, when my mom asked me where I was going.  "On an adventure", I would tell her.  That's what we're on an adventure.  What a wonderul mission He gave Adam and his sons in the beginning.  An incredible mission.  Rule and subdue, be fruitful and multiply.  He gave us the entire earth to explore.  Wow!  Care for it and make it your kingdom.  I'm in awe now, what an invitation this was.  Eden was the only garden, everything else was wild and waiting for exploriation.  No rivers crossed, no mountains climbed.   Nothing discovered, a clean canvas just like our new days.  A clean canvas waiting for a painting, a masterpiece. 

Sometimes I think people think they are simply here to kill time- and it's killing them.  I'm guilty and have been guilty of this.  But I know the truth is just the opposite.  It's about the secret longing of your heart.  Whether it be to plant a field and care for it like our forefathers, build a boat or sail it, to write a play or act in it.  Those are the things we are made to do.  That's what we're here for.  I want it so bad, I ask for it.  Let me find it. 

He Lives

This morning I awoke with a song in my head, a song I havn't heard or listened to since I was a young boy and teenager.  The song was "He Lives", I started humming it almost the time I woke up, and my the time I was in my car going to work I was singing the words.  It was a song I loved when I was a boy.  I loved sitting by my Papa and listening to him belt out the words, I tried to sing loud enough where I could hear my own words sing, but Papa sang loud.  I loved it.  I still remembered the words too.  So tonight I've been searching webpages on it and listening to it from diffrent websites.  Found this and thought it was pretty interesting.

~He Lives 
       “Why should I worship a dead Jew?”

       This challenging question was posed by a sincere young Jewish student who had been attending evangelistic meetings conducted by the author and composer of this hymn, Alfred H. Ackley.

       Mr. Ackley’s answer to this searching question, ultimately prompted the writing of this popular gospel hymn, He Lives.

       The composer answered his inquirer: He lives! I tell you, He is not dead, but lives here and now! Jesus Christ is more alive today than ever before. I can prove it by my own experience, as well as the testimony of countless thousands.

       Mr. Ackley’s forthright, emphatic answer, together with his subsequent successful effort to win the man for Christ, flowered forth into song and crystallized into a convincing sermon in hymn on He Lives!

       So he sat down at the piano and voiced that conclusion in song. He says, The thought of His ever-living presence brought the music promptly and easily.



He Lives


(1) I serve a risen Savior,

He's in the world today;

I know that he is living,

whatever men may say;

I see His hand of mercy,

I hear His voice of cheer,

And just the time I need Him

He's always near.


(2) He lives, He lives,

Christ Jesus lives today!

he walks with me and talks with me

along life's narrow way.

He lives, He lives,

salvation to impart!

You ask me how I know He lives?

He lives within my heart.


(3) In all the world around me

I see His loving care,

And though my heart grows weary

I never will despair;

I know that He is leading

through all thestormy blast

The day of His appearing

will come at last.


(4) Rejoice, rejoice, O Christian,

lift up your voice and sing

Eternal hallelujahs

to Jesus Christ the King!

The Hope of all who seek Him,

the Help of all who find,

None other is so loving,

so good and kind.

Home from Work and my beachwalk

I took a little walk today after work on the beach.  Quite a storm brewing.  I took these pictures of Kristen Visbal boy and dolphin.  This piece really talks to me.  I've always loved the Ocean, and this piece just seems to talk to me.  Here's her website.  She's quite talented.  This piece is just 2 minutes from my front door.  So it's something I look at everyday for my walks.

Monday, June 21, 2004

Ms. Bette's Birthday

We had fun for Ms. Bette's birthday last night.  We grilled salmon, and had snow peas, rice, and salad.  Razzleberry pie and ice cream for dessert.  Ms. Bette is a special lady.  She's worked really hard her whole life and has a very giving heart.  Some people just have big hearts and her's is one of the biggest one's I know.  Happy birthday Ms. Bette!

When Love Struck Twice

I checked my email today, and my brother had sent me this poem he had written about Autumn when she was born.  Had to share it.  Autumn's birth changed us all.  She came here to bless and she certainly has done that.


When Love Struck Twice
by Lance

Love comes around every one in a while,
Just thinkin about Love makes me wanna smile,

I never knew Love would really exist,
until the day when I got a heartfelt kiss,

That's only the start of this story I'll tell,
just wait it gets better...
I hope I don't fail

A Love can grow more than you'll ever believe,
inside the womb of a woman a baby eager to breathe

As contractions grew closer my heart started to beat,
Lord please let my baby girl have all her toes on her feet.

As my wife's pain deepened inside,
I took a deep breath and started to cry.

The Ultimate present she struggled to give,
to give me a baby longing to live.

I looked at my wife with all the love in my heart,
the thought of this family we were so eager to start.

One final push and a loud yell she let out,
As she pushed out my baby...
love took a new route.

So much time seemed to go by,
praying for my little girl to please cry.

That's when she opened her eyes and let out a scream, that would open my heart up to more than I dreamed.

That's when I gazed at my baby and looked at my wife, and realized Love had struck twice in my once meaningless life.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

One more Father's Day Tribute to my brother Lance

Another tribute goes out to my brother Lance.  He's a great dad to Autumn.  She is just crazy about him.  Here they are on their last visit to see me.  They went to the Jacksonville Zoo and had lots of fun.

My father's father father (Elton)

Great Grandpa Elton 1883-1973

I've been writing a bit on my memories of my family, early memories.  This is my great grandpa, My Papa's father.  His name was Elton, He is one of my early memories.  I only remember him when he was in the nursing home.  Going to visit him on his birthday, and sitting in his lap.  From what they say he was a good man.  His father died when he was a young boy.  He was raised by his mother and a his step father, whom as the story went wasn't very nice to his young stepson.  That's what my grandpa and all his brothers and sisters always said.  Nonethe less he grew to a man and married Annie, his childhood sweetheart he met in church and also went to school with.  He was a good farmer, one of the bests around where he lived.  Who stayed on top of the latest gadgets.  My Papa who loved to drive fast said he got this from his father, who didn't drive but always got my Papa to drive him, and kept saying faster, faster. 

Washington State

Well guys, I'm just playing around with this new way of putting pictures in my journal, guess I have to shrink them first.  This one is way huge.  This was a picture of one of the scenic mountains up in Washington State.  I felt so at peace there.  I remember wearing shorts in the snow and it wasn't even really cold.  I think this mountain was Mt. Hood, but I'm not sure, I'll have to go back and look.  Anyway hope I get better at the way I post these things.

It's time to go home soon!

Man I'm missing these two a bunch.  I've got to make sure and go home soon.  I can't believe I'll be an uncle again in less than 3 months.

Happy Father's Day

Just wanted to wish a Happy Father's Day to all the father's out there.  This was a thing I wrote about my father in one of my older journal entries.


Saturday, June 19, 2004

Hooray for Comcast

The day has finally come, Hooray for Comcast!  They got here bright and early this morning and got me all hooked up.  I watched the sunrise this morning.  Boy do I look scary first thing in the morning.  I did shave!  Going over to Michelle's a little later to watch Soccer it's one of their things.  My friend Ms. Bette's birthday is tomorrow.  So I need to go look for her something.  I'll be back!

Friday, June 18, 2004

The Philosopher

I've looked at people's eyes since I was a little boy, still do it all the time.  It's like I'm looking for something, sometimes I see it in their eyes, sometimes I don't.  Mostly I want to see it in my own eyes when I wake in the morning and look in the mirror.  I read this little prose this morning on and had to share.


The Philosopher


I saw him sitting in his door,

Trembling as old men do;

His house was old; his barn was old,

And yet his eyes seemed new.

His eyes had seen three times my years

And kept a twinkle still,

Though they had looked at birth and death

And three graves on a hill.

"I will sit down with you," I said,

"And you will make me wise;

Tell me how you have kept the joy

Still burning in your eyes."

Then like an old-time orator

Impressively he rose;

"I make the most of all that comes,

The least of all that goes."

The jingling rhythm of his words

Echoes as old songs do,

Yet this had kept his eyes alight

Till he was ninety-two.

~by Sara Teasdale~

Thursday, June 17, 2004

We Were Rich

When I was about five one day, my dad checked the mail and in it he received a letter from the publisher's clearing house. The next few moments were my first experiences of what it must feel like being in an Earthquake. We lived in a small trailer out on my Nana's farm. I've never seen my dad jump up and down so much, I thought we must be playing some game, I thought the trailer was going to turn over. He just kept screaming we're rich we're rich! I was probably jumping up and down too! Then he called my mom at work, as I listened, I learned from his facial expression and his voice that we weren't millionaire's after all. Not sure why I think of this moment from time to time, but it's definitely engrained in my psche. That was definitely going from very high to very low very quickly. It's funny I still dream of winning the lottery. An easy quick fix to all my financial problems. I'm not quite as naïve as I used to be, I also know with money comes other problems. There's never really a quick fix to anything. Hard work and endurance. I never really felt poor when I was growing up, I always felt like we were rich. I remember telling kids at school we had a swimming pool. Well one of the kids came home with me one day after school, I was shocked when he told me that wasn't a swimming pool, that's the thing cows drink water out of. This is starting to sound like comic relief, I did watch "Last Comic Standing Last Night", oh well sometimes it's fun to find some comic relief in our lives.

My sister sent me this email, it's a good one!

This makes you think. The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised  and proud lady, who is
fully dressed Each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair
fashionably coifed and makeup Perfectly applied, even though she is
legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.  Her husband of 70 years
recently passed away, making the move necessary. 
After many hours of  waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told  her room was ready.  As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I  provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet  sheets that had been hung on her  window. "I love it," she stated with the  enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new  puppy.  "Mrs.. Jones, you haven't  seen the room ..... just wait.

"That doesn't have  anything to do with it," she replied.
Happiness is something you decide on ahead  of time.  Whether I
like my room or not doesn't depend on how the  furniture is's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to  love it  "It's a
decision I make every morning when I wake up.  I have  a choice; I
can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with  the parts of my
body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be  thankful for the ones
that do. 
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes  open I'll focus on
the new  day and all the happy memories I've stored  away ... just
for this time  in my life. Old age is like a bank account  ... you
withdraw from what you've put in.  So, my advice to you  would be to deposit
a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories.  Thank you for your
part in filling my Memory bank. I am still  depositing.  Remember
the five simple rules to be happy

1. Free your heart  from hatred

2. Free your mind from worries

3. Live simply

4. Give more

5. Expect less

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Song of the Humpback Whales

When I was about in the 6th grade, I got my first subscription to National Geographic, I still remember that first issue, it even had a record in it, with the "Songs of the Humpback Whale". I loved listening to it, it was one of the strangest sounds to me. It was a weird combo of high- and low-pitched groanings. I remember reading that the scientist that studied them said their songs are noteworthy because these giants of the deep are continually changing them. New patterns are added and old ones eliminated so oveer a period of time the whale actually sings a whole new song. Pretty cool huh, not sure what made me think of this, something about watching the sunrise. I went to Ptown years ago and for some reason I thought of these wonderful creatures, I went on a whale watching tour there, and for some reason I was thinking about them today. Lots of thoughts came to mind, memories many of them. Guess we should be more like these wonderful creatures, composing new songs of praise. Many of us, me included just keep singing "the same old song". I want to sing new songs. That's another reason I love journaling it gives me a new way to give praise. Anyone else out there looking for new ways to express?

Friday, June 11, 2004

Back from Dinner with Daddy and Jane

I just got back from dinner with my dad and his wife.  We went to a wonderful seafood restaurant my friend Wendy suggested on the St. John's River, "Singletons".  We sat out on the river and watched the most magnificent sunrise, wish I'd brought my camera, the colors were rich.  It was great seeing my dad, I havn't seen him since Christmas.  We all really enjoyed ourselves.  My dad is a great storyteller, he's gets all excited and his eyes light up, just like when I was a little kid.  We've just recently been connecting more in the last year.  Well not a lot, but we do talk on the phone, and it's always good when I see him.  Man am I full.  I got Daddy talking about Papa and Mema, which I always enjoy stories about them, and even sometimes when things jar my memory.  I don't want to appreciate things more when they are gone.  I'm thankful for the time I got to spend with my dad tonight.  I'm glad he is still in my life. 

I Miss my Neice and Nephew

I havn't seen Autumn and Eli since we all went to Disney and the week after.  I sure am having withdrawals.  Those two make me so happy just being around them.  It's Friday finally.  I'm ready to get home, my dad and stepmom are supposed to be coming to Jacksonville, my dad is in a pool tournament here.  Hopefully they will call and come see me.  Well have a great weekend everyone in Jland!

Thursday, June 10, 2004

From Beauty of the Morning Light to the Dark of Night

Seems I've had a full day, and I've been journalling as much as I can today, knowing my internet is still not up and running.  The day was beautiful but the night found me feeling thoughts of self doubt and panic and doom.  I know I've been writing a bit about chaos.  I know what happens in life happens for a reason.  Sometimes I guess I just feel a bit out of it.  But I want to learn from any chaos I'm going through.  I don't want to react negative to any chaos I'm feeling.  I accept the hardships I may be feeling.  I know any pain and doubt always fade.  I guess we are in control of the rate our turmoil and pain pass.  If that's true, I'm ready NOW.  EGO, maybe that's what is slowing me down.  I know it's right in front of my eyes, I just have to face it.  It's like I know my life is changing but with every change I start feeling something wonderful, then comes the tests, over and over.  Each test of my ego seems to inflict doubt.  I start complaining, then apologizing for my complaining.  Maybe I just want to be free of my ego.  Ok at least I got it all out, I feel better now.   Now I'm ready for some peace and harmony.  :)

She Is Wearing White

I had a dream last night, I'm going to start a dream journal soon.  Anyway this lady white as snow, standing before me, skin so white, hair white like Emmylou Harris.  Standing before me in a white dress, like she's waiting on a cue or something.  Waiting to say "I Do", not sure how I know that but it's like I can read her mind or something.  Her hands I notice are clasped tight.  She looks very scared. I look into her brain again and read her thoughts, she's thinking will he love me, will he want me, "In sickness and in health".  Then the music starts and this man comes towards her in black, almost the black and white colors of the two mix together in words spoken together. I listen hard to try and understand the words, but it's almost like they are in another language.  I'm still there reading their minds or something, when I finally decide to look at the groom in black, I look and I see myself in a black tux.  I start looking around the room and see a big pool in the back of the reception room.  I look at the groom who is me and this woman in white and just run towards the pool and jump in.  I see a light while I'm swimming underwater and I swim towards it, when I'm right there at the light I decide to come up for air and to see this beautiful light when I hit air I wake up.  Another dream.  I've been thinking about it all day.  I'm still wondering what it means.  My dreams are so lucid now.  I really need to start writing them down every night.

Baby and Chicken (Weekend Assignment #9)

Weekend assignment:

Well "Baby" is not my dog she's my friend Mike's.  But she loves me and I love her anyway and I have a funny story about her.  Back when I first met Mike, I had been bragging about my homemade chicken pot pie.  So one night while Mike was at work I went over to his house and boiled my chicken, and 6 boiled eggs.  After it was done i picked the meat off the chicken putting it in a casserole dish, cutting the eggs up over the chicken, for some reason I decided to go take a shower and finish it up after the shower and I put the dish way back on the oven.  After my shower I walked downstairs to see an empty casserole dish upside down.  Clean as if it was just out of the dishwasher.  It didn't register at first, then I looked over at Baby and I saw some chicken hanging from her mouth.  So she got the startings of my chicken casserole,  When Mike got home she was hiding upstairs because she knew she did something wrong.  She wouldn't even come back downstairs.   It may have put a damper on my first cookings for Mike but it's always been a funny story to us.  What wasn't funny was the gas she had later.  Baby's favorite thing to this day is still chicken.  She goes crazy when she see's it. 

Great Grandma's Treasure (The Ennis Family)

I know in one of my other journals I spoke of my love of genealogy.  I have been researching my family names now for years. It all started when I was a little boy, I found that I could get the adults to talk to me and really open up when I would ask them questions about old pictures that were in the house. I also would hear wonderful stories that my grandparents would tell me of their families and parents and grandparents. What started off as a hobby turned into a passion. I'm not sure how many people out there remember their great grandparents but I lucky enough to remember 3 of mine.  The one I remember best is my Great Grandma Annie.  I was really young and my memories of her have faded.  But I remember her big house with the swing in the front.  I remeber her happy eyes that had a light like no other.  But mostly I remember her hands.  The reason I remember her hands was because when she died my Papa took her hands and asked me to look at them.  He held his moms hand for the last time, and for some reason I can still see her hands.  She was very beautiful also even in older age.  I also remember the nursing home she was in and visiting her and my great grandfather there.  I was loved so much by all the people staying there, I always had a fondness for the elderly, I wonder if this is the reason.  Well one of the main reasons I would say I loved genealogy was the treasure my great grandmother left.  She left many old photo's in a little suitcase in the tobacco barn.  When I opened up that suitcase and saw all those photo's of eyes and faces of those that came before me I was hooked. The old pictures fascinated me. Family reunions were my favorite times. I remember being a young historian, standing up in front of everyone at the church reunions and telling the congregation what I had learned. Thanks Great Grandma! 


I've written a good bit about all my grandparents, Pepa I havn't shared a lot about.  What I have written about him was that he was abusive to my Nana, and too my mother when she was younger.  But he was never mean to me.  He did quit drinking when I was young, and after my grandparents divorced.  I never saw the man my mom and grandmother saw.  I think the alcohol must have been the root to all evil.  My memories of my Pepa were his sky blue eyes.  Autumn's are very much the same color.  They were the bluest eyes I'd ever seen.  He was very proud of his family, and is one of the big reasons I love geneology today.  I loved his stories of his grandmother.  I didn't spend a great deal of time with my Pepa.  I do remember him being very proud of us every year when we all went to his grandparents family reunion.  I wish I knew him more, he had a sadness about him, but also a light shining that was just waiting to come out.  He would get very tickled when he would tell stories of his family.  Almost all his stories were about his family.  So in ways I can identify with him very much. 

The day off!

Yes I have the day off, it's noon almost and I woke up early, went jogging on the beach at sunrise, grabbed a bagel for breakfast, cleaned my house, now I'm relaxing with my thoughts and "Baby".  When it cools down later I'm going for a bike ride too.  Does it sound like I'm trying to get back in shape.  Yep summer is definately here, thinking about some ideas to start some other journals; dream journal, health journal.  But so far I'll just keep to this one, can't believe I'm working on my third month of this already.  I really am trying to get back in shape, I've let myself go for the last couple of months, was doing great up until after the Gate river run, I always get lazy for a few after the run, but I've got to get back on the ball, I'm gaining weight way too fast now.  Well honestly lately I've been a little stressed.  The move was a big financial thing for me, and set me back a bit.  So as I've said before "Order out of Chaos.  I need some alignment.  I know harmony always underlies chaos.  So I'm looking forward to some balance and serenity to be restored soon.


I had never had a piece of toast

Particularly long and wide

But fell upon the sanded floor

And always on the buttered side.

__ James Payn


Please don't think I'm complaining, I'm not, I've had some amazing, beautiful days lately, and look forward to many more.  Just the financial of the move has been a bit stressful.  I'm getting there.    I still see the light!  The picture is a new bloom on a plant in my front yard.

Monday, June 7, 2004

Can't miss my sunrises

I guess I'm a real beach guy now.  I can't help getting up every morning now to see my sunrise, notice I say my sunrise.  It's like a birthday present every morning.  Can't think of a better way to start my day.  Looking at the beautiful sunrise, A question came to mind. Are the values I claim important linked to my actual behavior. Honestly I'm nowhere close as I'd like to be. Bonar wrote "Fill up each hour with what will last; Buy up th moments as they go; The life above, when this is past, Is the ripe fruit of life below. I want to value eternity more by the life I have here, showing I'm making good use of my time. I struggle with this. I know deep in my heart that "What we do, more than anything we say, or even write in our journals, reveals what we truly value the most." I hear the voice saying or asking for obedience. Why have I run from that voice before or done something that I know will hurt me or someone else? 

Sunday, June 6, 2004

Baby The Most Beautiful Dog in the World

I've written a little bit about "Baby", well we just had a photo shoot, she loves the camera.  Just gave her a bath, so thought it would be a perfect time for a photo shoot!

Saturday pictures from Amy's visit

My friend Amy and her son Kendall came out for the sunrise yesterday, we got some great shots of them for her husband Scott for Father's Day.  I think he'll love them.  It was a beautiful morning.  Being around them really made me miss my neice and nephew really bad.

More Sunrises

Here's some sunrise pictures I've taken in the last week, I'll write more later.

Friday, June 4, 2004

The Pretty One

Someone sent me this email today at work, which I'm probably one of the most sensitive fellows in the world, I had to take a little break and go outside for some air and to wipe my eyes.

The Pretty One


This was the last litter of puppies we were going to allow our Cocker Spaniel to have. It had been a very long night for me. Precious, our only black Cocker was having a very difficult time with the delivery of her puppies.

I laid on the floor beside her large four-foot square cage watching her every movement. I was watching and waiting just in case we had to rush her to the veterinarian.

After six hours the puppies started to appear. The first born was a black and white party dog. The second and third puppies were tan and brown in color.

The fourth and fifth were also spotted black and white. "One, two, three, four, five," I counted to myself as I walked down the hallway to wake up Judy and tell her that everything was fine. As we walked back down the hallway and into the spare bedroom, I noticed a sixth puppy had been born and was now lying all by itself over to the side of the cage.

I picked up the small puppy and laid it on top of the large pile of puppies, which were whining and trying to nurse on the mother. Instantly Precious pushed the small puppy away from rest of the group and refused to recognize it as a member of her family.

"Something's wrong," said Judy. I reached over and picked up the puppy. My heart sank inside my chest when I saw the little puppy was hare-lipped and could not close its little mouth.

We had gone through this once before last year with another one of our cockers. That experience like to have killed me when the puppy died and I had to bury it. If there was any way to save this animal I was going to give it my best shot.

All the puppies born that night, with the exception of the small hare-lipped pup, were very valuable because of their unusual coloring. Most would bring between five to seven hundred dollars each.

The next day I took the puppy to the vet. I was told nothing could be done unless we were willing to spend about a thousand dollars to try and correct the defect. He told us that the puppy would die mainly because it could not suckle.

After returning home Judy and I decided that we could not afford to spend that kind of money without getting some type of assurances from the vet that the puppy had a chance to live. However, that did not stop me from purchasing a syringe and feeding the puppy by hand, which I did every day and night, every two hours, for more than ten days.

The fifth week I placed an ad in the newspaper, and within a week we had taken deposits on all of the pups, except the one with the deformity.

The little guy had learned to eat on his own as long as it was soft canned food.

Late that afternoon I had gone to the store to pick up a few groceries. Upon returning I happened to see the old retired school teacher, who lived across the street from us, waving at me. She had read in the paper that we had puppies for sale and was wondering if she might buy one from us for her grandson.

I told her all the puppies had been sold, but I would keep my eyes open for anyone else who might have a cocker spaniel for sale. I also mentioned we never kept a deposit should someone change their mind, and if so I would let her know.

Within days all but one of the puppies had been picked up by their new owners.

This left me with one brown and tan cocker, as well as the smaller hare-lipped puppy.

Two days passed without me hearing anything from the gentleman who had placed a deposit on the tan and brown pup. So I telephoned the school teacher and told her I had one puppy left and that she was welcome to come and look at it.

She advised me that she was going to pick up her grandson and would come over about eight o'clock that evening. Judy and I were eating supper when we heard a knock on the front door.

When I opened the door, the man who had placed a $100 deposit on the dog was standing there. We walked inside where I filled out the paperwork, he paid me the balance of the money, and I handed him the puppy.

Judy and I did not know what to do or say if the teacher showed up with her grandson. Sure enough at exactly eight o'clock the doorbell rang. I opened the door and there was the school teacher with her grandson standing behind her. I explained to her the man had come for the puppy just an hour before and there were no puppies left.

"I'm sorry, Jeffery. They sold all the puppies," she told her grandson.

Just at that moment, the small puppy left in the bedroom began to yelp.

"My puppy! My puppy!" yelled the little boy as he ran out from behind his grandmother.

I just about fell over when I saw that the small child was hare- lipped. The boy ran past me as fast as he could down the hallway to where the puppy was still yelping. When the three of us made it to the bedroom, the small boy was holding the puppy in his arms. He looked up at his grandmother and said, "Look Grandma. They sold all the puppies except the pretty one, and he looks just like me."

Well, old Grandma wasn't the only one with tears in her eyes that day. Judy and I stood there, not knowing what to do.

"Is this puppy for sale?" asked the school teacher.

"My grandma told me these kind of puppies are real expensive and that I have to take real good care of it," said the little boy who was now hugging the puppy.

"Yes, ma'am. This puppy is for sale."

The lady opened her purse, and I could see several one-hundred dollar bills sticking out of her wallet. I reached over and pushed her hand back down into her purse so that she would not pull her wallet out.

"How much do you think this puppy is worth?" I asked the boy.

"About a dollar?" He replied.

"No. This puppy is very, very expensive; more than a dollar." I told him.

"I'm afraid so." said his grandmother.

The boy stood there pressing the small puppy against his cheek.

"We could not possibly take less than two dollars for this puppy," Judy said squeezing my hand. "Like you said, 'It's the pretty one'". She continued.

The school teacher took out two dollars and handed it to the young boy.

"It's your dog now, Jeffery. You pay the man."

I think it must be a wonderful feeling for any young person to look at themselves in the mirror and see nothing, except "The pretty one."

There is a light that shines beyond all things on earth, beyond the highest, the very highest heavens. This is the light that shines in your heart.

by Roger Dean Kiser from The Life and Times of Roger Dean Kiser

Wednesday, June 2, 2004


I've been thinking about my past today. Trying not to be too hard on myself. It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But maybe it's better to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience and growth.

Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to another level of living and loving. The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us necessary lessons.

I've come out of some painful circumstances with strong insights about who I am and what I want. Mistakes? Oh yes, many! Necessary! I guess so. Necessary for me to learn from the mistakes. Our frustrations, failures, and sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress? Necessary too. Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the experiences we need to, to become who we are today. Each step of the way, we progressed. Is our past a mistake? No. The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth.

Today, I ask for help to let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships. I can accept, with gratitude, all that has brought me to today. One of my internet friends sent me this. I really liked it.

Allow Your Own Inner Light to Guide You

There comes a time when you must stand alone.

You must feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams.

You must be willing to make sacrifices.

You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be achieved.

Sometimes, familiarity and comfort need to be challenged.

There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities.

Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better.

Be confident enough that you won't settle for a compromise just to get by.

Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunities to grow, develop,
and find your true sense of purpose in this life.

Don't stand in someone else's shadow when it's your sunlight that should lead the way.

Tuesday, June 1, 2004


Well, it was an amazing memorial day weekend!  I saw three amazing sunrises each very diffrent.  I'll be posting the pictures as soon as possible.  Mostly it was very relaxing, I just piddled a good bit, getting things the way I want in my new place.  It's already feeling very much like home, which I havn't felt in a long time.  We had our regular Sunday night feast, we grilled chicken on the grill, had some corn on the cobb, beans, homemade bread.  Mike and Bette came over to see my place.  I'm really happy.  Yesterday I got to see Mike at work as the radioioguy, boy some people handle stress well.  I'd be a wreck if I had to handle so much at work every day.  Well, it just started to rain really hard, boy do we need it.  Well, until later.  I have to finish up my work here.