I've been sitting here today dreaming. I guess sometimes we dream our way through life until someone or something confronts us with the real world. Nothing wrong with dreams, I mean the alternative is not to dream. I love dreaming, dreaming of a better life. Dreaming of being a famous writer. I don't think I think too much of myself. I know I'm a ok writer, and I enjoy it guess that's all that matters. This is all such a learning experience for me, guess life is exactly that. July 4th weekend is coming up. I'm looking forward to it, and I am also leary of it. There are a few parties I've been invited too. I want to have fun this weekend, but I don't want to do anything to slip into some of my old ways by attending them. I look back on my life to a time when I didn't have much of a conscience. It's like one day God just gave me a gift, that gift was a conscience. It has been a guiding light for me, and has told me wrong from right. Things that were once fun for me are not anymore. I've talked about this with my friend Wendy. She said we're just growing up. I guess so, I wonder sometimes why I got this gift so late in life. I know I've always had it, but I think maybe I had hidden that gift. Sometimes I guess we're just not ready for some gifts. Keep me in thoughts this weekend. Hope you all have a safe and wonderful fourth.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Lost inside myself
Reaching out to anyone
Who might be able to save me
Pictures in frames change with time
Evidence of my journey
Faces of stars that weren't meant to
Becoming more hopless and afraid
of never finding the way
Never finding the path to my destiny
I stand outside alone at night, close my eyes
And feel something that surrounds me
It is then my spirit hears their voices
rise out of the darkness
A sigh in the trees...
"Our eyes are the stars that shine"
"Our love is the moonlight that gently whispers the night"
"Our hope for you fills each glorius dawn with light"
"Our pride in all you have done, gives color to every sunset"
You look into the eyes of your ancestors
And realize you were on the path you were meant to take all along
No longer inside yourself, you finding your guiding stars
More beautiful than any other in the vast sky.
Monday, June 28, 2004
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Saturday, June 26, 2004
Friday, June 25, 2004
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Can I just say I was very surprised when I got the email yesterday that I had been chosen for the Editor's pick for top 5. Thanks from me to all of you that have made this journaling experiece what it has been for me. It has brought healing, happiness, and much joy.
My good friend is the radioioguy, if your wondering who that is, well to me he's just a great friend who I've known for the past couple of years. It's hard to believe how much he's grown in the last 4 years. Starting off in a spare room in his home and growing to what it is today.
Top-rated Internet radioio launched a total of twelve new subscription streams within the first three months of this year.
Mikes or the radioioguys first set of new streams included Alternative rock, Acoustic, Ambient, 70s progressive rock, 80s Alternative rock, contemporary Jazz, and 20th century Classical formats. The streams will be available in hi- and lo-bit Real, Windows Media, and streaming MP3 streams.
IoMediaPartners, radioio's parent company, has just completed a first round financing. According to Arbitron, radioio was the second most-listened-to Net radio channel in December, behind MusicMatch's Artist Match station. Both channels were the only two to stream more than 1 million hours of programming last month.
Mike is very ambitious, I've always said I hope it rubs off on me sometime. It's great having good friends. The picture above is of us on the space needle in Seattle, Washington. I really loved it out there, have you ever been somwhere before and you just knew you were supposed to be there, or it felt familiar and you were just at peace? I feel lucky and blessed to have friends like Bette, Wendy, and Ginni in my life for the last two years.
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
My mind is full tonight as it is many nights. So I fill my journal with thought. What is man for? If you know what something is designed to do, then you know its purpose in life. Baby, she loves the water; a eagle loves to soar; a lion loves to hunt. It's what they are made for. Desire reveals design, and design reveals destiny. In the case of us, HUMANS, our design is revealed by our own desires. When I was young, I've always said, when my mom asked me where I was going. "On an adventure", I would tell her. That's what we're on an adventure. What a wonderul mission He gave Adam and his sons in the beginning. An incredible mission. Rule and subdue, be fruitful and multiply. He gave us the entire earth to explore. Wow! Care for it and make it your kingdom. I'm in awe now, what an invitation this was. Eden was the only garden, everything else was wild and waiting for exploriation. No rivers crossed, no mountains climbed. Nothing discovered, a clean canvas just like our new days. A clean canvas waiting for a painting, a masterpiece.
Sometimes I think people think they are simply here to kill time- and it's killing them. I'm guilty and have been guilty of this. But I know the truth is just the opposite. It's about the secret longing of your heart. Whether it be to plant a field and care for it like our forefathers, build a boat or sail it, to write a play or act in it. Those are the things we are made to do. That's what we're here for. I want it so bad, I ask for it. Let me find it.
This morning I awoke with a song in my head, a song I havn't heard or listened to since I was a young boy and teenager. The song was "He Lives", I started humming it almost the time I woke up, and my the time I was in my car going to work I was singing the words. It was a song I loved when I was a boy. I loved sitting by my Papa and listening to him belt out the words, I tried to sing loud enough where I could hear my own words sing, but Papa sang loud. I loved it. I still remembered the words too. So tonight I've been searching webpages on it and listening to it from diffrent websites. Found this and thought it was pretty interesting.
“Why should I worship a dead Jew?”
This challenging question was posed by a sincere young Jewish student who had been attending evangelistic meetings conducted by the author and composer of this hymn, Alfred H. Ackley.
Mr. Ackley’s answer to this searching question, ultimately prompted the writing of this popular gospel hymn, He Lives.
The composer answered his inquirer: He lives! I tell you, He is not dead, but lives here and now! Jesus Christ is more alive today than ever before. I can prove it by my own experience, as well as the testimony of countless thousands.
Mr. Ackley’s forthright, emphatic answer, together with his subsequent successful effort to win the man for Christ, flowered forth into song and crystallized into a convincing sermon in hymn on He Lives!
So he sat down at the piano and voiced that conclusion in song. He says, The thought of His ever-living presence brought the music promptly and easily.
(1) I serve a risen Savior,
He's in the world today;
I know that he is living,
whatever men may say;
I see His hand of mercy,
I hear His voice of cheer,
And just the time I need Him
He's always near.
(2) He lives, He lives,
Christ Jesus lives today!
he walks with me and talks with me
along life's narrow way.
He lives, He lives,
salvation to impart!
You ask me how I know He lives?
He lives within my heart.
(3) In all the world around me
I see His loving care,
And though my heart grows weary
I never will despair;
I know that He is leading
through all thestormy blast
The day of His appearing
will come at last.
(4) Rejoice, rejoice, O Christian,
lift up your voice and sing
to Jesus Christ the King!
The Hope of all who seek Him,
the Help of all who find,
None other is so loving,
so good and kind.
I took a little walk today after work on the beach. Quite a storm brewing. I took these pictures of Kristen Visbal boy and dolphin. This piece really talks to me. I've always loved the Ocean, and this piece just seems to talk to me. Here's her website. She's quite talented. This piece is just 2 minutes from my front door. So it's something I look at everyday for my walks.
Monday, June 21, 2004
I checked my email today, and my brother had sent me this poem he had written about Autumn when she was born. Had to share it. Autumn's birth changed us all. She came here to bless and she certainly has done that.
When Love Struck Twice
Love comes around every one in a while,
Just thinkin about Love makes me wanna smile,
I never knew Love would really exist,
until the day when I got a heartfelt kiss,
That's only the start of this story I'll tell,
just wait it gets better...
I hope I don't fail
A Love can grow more than you'll ever believe,
inside the womb of a woman a baby eager to breathe
As contractions grew closer my heart started to beat,
Lord please let my baby girl have all her toes on her feet.
As my wife's pain deepened inside,
I took a deep breath and started to cry.
The Ultimate present she struggled to give,
to give me a baby longing to live.
I looked at my wife with all the love in my heart,
the thought of this family we were so eager to start.
One final push and a loud yell she let out,
As she pushed out my baby...
love took a new route.
So much time seemed to go by,
praying for my little girl to please cry.
That's when she opened her eyes and let out a scream, that would open my heart up to more than I dreamed.
That's when I gazed at my baby and looked at my wife, and realized Love had struck twice in my once meaningless life.
Sunday, June 20, 2004
Great Grandpa Elton 1883-1973
I've been writing a bit on my memories of my family, early memories. This is my great grandpa, My Papa's father. His name was Elton, He is one of my early memories. I only remember him when he was in the nursing home. Going to visit him on his birthday, and sitting in his lap. From what they say he was a good man. His father died when he was a young boy. He was raised by his mother and a his step father, whom as the story went wasn't very nice to his young stepson. That's what my grandpa and all his brothers and sisters always said. Nonethe less he grew to a man and married Annie http://journals.aol.com/deveil/CelebrationofMyExhistance/entries/1230, his childhood sweetheart he met in church and also went to school with. He was a good farmer, one of the bests around where he lived. Who stayed on top of the latest gadgets. My Papa who loved to drive fast said he got this from his father, who didn't drive but always got my Papa to drive him, and kept saying faster, faster.
Just wanted to wish a Happy Father's Day to all the father's out there. This was a thing I wrote about my father in one of my older journal entries.
Saturday, June 19, 2004
Friday, June 18, 2004
I've looked at people's eyes since I was a little boy, still do it all the time. It's like I'm looking for something, sometimes I see it in their eyes, sometimes I don't. Mostly I want to see it in my own eyes when I wake in the morning and look in the mirror. I read this little prose this morning on mountainwings.com and had to share.
I saw him sitting in his door,
Trembling as old men do;
His house was old; his barn was old,
And yet his eyes seemed new.
His eyes had seen three times my years
And kept a twinkle still,
Though they had looked at birth and death
And three graves on a hill.
"I will sit down with you," I said,
"And you will make me wise;
Tell me how you have kept the joy
Still burning in your eyes."
Then like an old-time orator
Impressively he rose;
"I make the most of all that comes,
The least of all that goes."
The jingling rhythm of his words
Echoes as old songs do,
Yet this had kept his eyes alight
Till he was ninety-two.
~by Sara Teasdale~
Thursday, June 17, 2004
When I was about five one day, my dad checked the mail and in it he received a letter from the publisher's clearing house. The next few moments were my first experiences of what it must feel like being in an Earthquake. We lived in a small trailer out on my Nana's farm. I've never seen my dad jump up and down so much, I thought we must be playing some game, I thought the trailer was going to turn over. He just kept screaming we're rich we're rich! I was probably jumping up and down too! Then he called my mom at work, as I listened, I learned from his facial expression and his voice that we weren't millionaire's after all. Not sure why I think of this moment from time to time, but it's definitely engrained in my psche. That was definitely going from very high to very low very quickly. It's funny I still dream of winning the lottery. An easy quick fix to all my financial problems. I'm not quite as naïve as I used to be, I also know with money comes other problems. There's never really a quick fix to anything. Hard work and endurance. I never really felt poor when I was growing up, I always felt like we were rich. I remember telling kids at school we had a swimming pool. Well one of the kids came home with me one day after school, I was shocked when he told me that wasn't a swimming pool, that's the thing cows drink water out of. This is starting to sound like comic relief, I did watch "Last Comic Standing Last Night", oh well sometimes it's fun to find some comic relief in our lives.
My sister sent me this email, it's a good one!
This makes you think. The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is
fully dressed Each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair
fashionably coifed and makeup Perfectly applied, even though she is
legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years
recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window. "I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy. "Mrs.. Jones, you haven't seen the room ..... just wait.
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied.
Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I
like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is
arranged...it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it "It's a
decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I
can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my
body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones
that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on
the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away ... just
for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account ... you
withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit
a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories. Thank you for your
part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing. Remember
the five simple rules to be happy
1. Free your heart from hatred
2. Free your mind from worries
3. Live simply
4. Give more
5. Expect less
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
When I was about in the 6th grade, I got my first subscription to National Geographic, I still remember that first issue, it even had a record in it, with the "Songs of the Humpback Whale". I loved listening to it, it was one of the strangest sounds to me. It was a weird combo of high- and low-pitched groanings. I remember reading that the scientist that studied them said their songs are noteworthy because these giants of the deep are continually changing them. New patterns are added and old ones eliminated so oveer a period of time the whale actually sings a whole new song. Pretty cool huh, not sure what made me think of this, something about watching the sunrise. I went to Ptown years ago and for some reason I thought of these wonderful creatures, I went on a whale watching tour there, and for some reason I was thinking about them today. Lots of thoughts came to mind, memories many of them. Guess we should be more like these wonderful creatures, composing new songs of praise. Many of us, me included just keep singing "the same old song". I want to sing new songs. That's another reason I love journaling it gives me a new way to give praise. Anyone else out there looking for new ways to express?
Friday, June 11, 2004
Thursday, June 10, 2004
I had a dream last night, I'm going to start a dream journal soon. Anyway this lady white as snow, standing before me, skin so white, hair white like Emmylou Harris. Standing before me in a white dress, like she's waiting on a cue or something. Waiting to say "I Do", not sure how I know that but it's like I can read her mind or something. Her hands I notice are clasped tight. She looks very scared. I look into her brain again and read her thoughts, she's thinking will he love me, will he want me, "In sickness and in health". Then the music starts and this man comes towards her in black, almost the black and white colors of the two mix together in words spoken together. I listen hard to try and understand the words, but it's almost like they are in another language. I'm still there reading their minds or something, when I finally decide to look at the groom in black, I look and I see myself in a black tux. I start looking around the room and see a big pool in the back of the reception room. I look at the groom who is me and this woman in white and just run towards the pool and jump in. I see a light while I'm swimming underwater and I swim towards it, when I'm right there at the light I decide to come up for air and to see this beautiful light when I hit air I wake up. Another dream. I've been thinking about it all day. I'm still wondering what it means. My dreams are so lucid now. I really need to start writing them down every night.
Well "Baby" is not my dog she's my friend Mike's. But she loves me and I love her anyway and I have a funny story about her. Back when I first met Mike, I had been bragging about my homemade chicken pot pie. So one night while Mike was at work I went over to his house and boiled my chicken, and 6 boiled eggs. After it was done i picked the meat off the chicken putting it in a casserole dish, cutting the eggs up over the chicken, for some reason I decided to go take a shower and finish it up after the shower and I put the dish way back on the oven. After my shower I walked downstairs to see an empty casserole dish upside down. Clean as if it was just out of the dishwasher. It didn't register at first, then I looked over at Baby and I saw some chicken hanging from her mouth. So she got the startings of my chicken casserole, When Mike got home she was hiding upstairs because she knew she did something wrong. She wouldn't even come back downstairs. It may have put a damper on my first cookings for Mike but it's always been a funny story to us. What wasn't funny was the gas she had later. Baby's favorite thing to this day is still chicken. She goes crazy when she see's it.
Yes I have the day off, it's noon almost and I woke up early, went jogging on the beach at sunrise, grabbed a bagel for breakfast, cleaned my house, now I'm relaxing with my thoughts and "Baby". When it cools down later I'm going for a bike ride too. Does it sound like I'm trying to get back in shape. Yep summer is definately here, thinking about some ideas to start some other journals; dream journal, health journal. But so far I'll just keep to this one, can't believe I'm working on my third month of this already. I really am trying to get back in shape, I've let myself go for the last couple of months, was doing great up until after the Gate river run, I always get lazy for a few after the run, but I've got to get back on the ball, I'm gaining weight way too fast now. Well honestly lately I've been a little stressed. The move was a big financial thing for me, and set me back a bit. So as I've said before "Order out of Chaos. I need some alignment. I know harmony always underlies chaos. So I'm looking forward to some balance and serenity to be restored soon.
I had never had a piece of toast
Particularly long and wide
But fell upon the sanded floor
And always on the buttered side.
__ James Payn
Please don't think I'm complaining, I'm not, I've had some amazing, beautiful days lately, and look forward to many more. Just the financial of the move has been a bit stressful. I'm getting there. I still see the light! The picture is a new bloom on a plant in my front yard.
Monday, June 7, 2004
I guess I'm a real beach guy now. I can't help getting up every morning now to see my sunrise, notice I say my sunrise. It's like a birthday present every morning. Can't think of a better way to start my day. Looking at the beautiful sunrise, A question came to mind. Are the values I claim important linked to my actual behavior. Honestly I'm nowhere close as I'd like to be. Bonar wrote "Fill up each hour with what will last; Buy up th moments as they go; The life above, when this is past, Is the ripe fruit of life below. I want to value eternity more by the life I have here, showing I'm making good use of my time. I struggle with this. I know deep in my heart that "What we do, more than anything we say, or even write in our journals, reveals what we truly value the most." I hear the voice saying or asking for obedience. Why have I run from that voice before or done something that I know will hurt me or someone else?
Sunday, June 6, 2004
Friday, June 4, 2004
Someone sent me this email today at work, which I'm probably one of the most sensitive fellows in the world, I had to take a little break and go outside for some air and to wipe my eyes.
The Pretty One
This was the last litter of puppies we were going to allow our Cocker Spaniel to have. It had been a very long night for me. Precious, our only black Cocker was having a very difficult time with the delivery of her puppies.
I laid on the floor beside her large four-foot square cage watching her every movement. I was watching and waiting just in case we had to rush her to the veterinarian.
After six hours the puppies started to appear. The first born was a black and white party dog. The second and third puppies were tan and brown in color.
The fourth and fifth were also spotted black and white. "One, two, three, four, five," I counted to myself as I walked down the hallway to wake up Judy and tell her that everything was fine. As we walked back down the hallway and into the spare bedroom, I noticed a sixth puppy had been born and was now lying all by itself over to the side of the cage.
I picked up the small puppy and laid it on top of the large pile of puppies, which were whining and trying to nurse on the mother. Instantly Precious pushed the small puppy away from rest of the group and refused to recognize it as a member of her family.
"Something's wrong," said Judy. I reached over and picked up the puppy. My heart sank inside my chest when I saw the little puppy was hare-lipped and could not close its little mouth.
We had gone through this once before last year with another one of our cockers. That experience like to have killed me when the puppy died and I had to bury it. If there was any way to save this animal I was going to give it my best shot.
All the puppies born that night, with the exception of the small hare-lipped pup, were very valuable because of their unusual coloring. Most would bring between five to seven hundred dollars each.
The next day I took the puppy to the vet. I was told nothing could be done unless we were willing to spend about a thousand dollars to try and correct the defect. He told us that the puppy would die mainly because it could not suckle.
After returning home Judy and I decided that we could not afford to spend that kind of money without getting some type of assurances from the vet that the puppy had a chance to live. However, that did not stop me from purchasing a syringe and feeding the puppy by hand, which I did every day and night, every two hours, for more than ten days.
The fifth week I placed an ad in the newspaper, and within a week we had taken deposits on all of the pups, except the one with the deformity.
The little guy had learned to eat on his own as long as it was soft canned food.
Late that afternoon I had gone to the store to pick up a few groceries. Upon returning I happened to see the old retired school teacher, who lived across the street from us, waving at me. She had read in the paper that we had puppies for sale and was wondering if she might buy one from us for her grandson.
I told her all the puppies had been sold, but I would keep my eyes open for anyone else who might have a cocker spaniel for sale. I also mentioned we never kept a deposit should someone change their mind, and if so I would let her know.
Within days all but one of the puppies had been picked up by their new owners.
This left me with one brown and tan cocker, as well as the smaller hare-lipped puppy.
Two days passed without me hearing anything from the gentleman who had placed a deposit on the tan and brown pup. So I telephoned the school teacher and told her I had one puppy left and that she was welcome to come and look at it.
She advised me that she was going to pick up her grandson and would come over about eight o'clock that evening. Judy and I were eating supper when we heard a knock on the front door.
When I opened the door, the man who had placed a $100 deposit on the dog was standing there. We walked inside where I filled out the paperwork, he paid me the balance of the money, and I handed him the puppy.
Judy and I did not know what to do or say if the teacher showed up with her grandson. Sure enough at exactly eight o'clock the doorbell rang. I opened the door and there was the school teacher with her grandson standing behind her. I explained to her the man had come for the puppy just an hour before and there were no puppies left.
"I'm sorry, Jeffery. They sold all the puppies," she told her grandson.
Just at that moment, the small puppy left in the bedroom began to yelp.
"My puppy! My puppy!" yelled the little boy as he ran out from behind his grandmother.
I just about fell over when I saw that the small child was hare- lipped. The boy ran past me as fast as he could down the hallway to where the puppy was still yelping. When the three of us made it to the bedroom, the small boy was holding the puppy in his arms. He looked up at his grandmother and said, "Look Grandma. They sold all the puppies except the pretty one, and he looks just like me."
Well, old Grandma wasn't the only one with tears in her eyes that day. Judy and I stood there, not knowing what to do.
"Is this puppy for sale?" asked the school teacher.
"My grandma told me these kind of puppies are real expensive and that I have to take real good care of it," said the little boy who was now hugging the puppy.
"Yes, ma'am. This puppy is for sale."
The lady opened her purse, and I could see several one-hundred dollar bills sticking out of her wallet. I reached over and pushed her hand back down into her purse so that she would not pull her wallet out.
"How much do you think this puppy is worth?" I asked the boy.
"About a dollar?" He replied.
"No. This puppy is very, very expensive; more than a dollar." I told him.
"I'm afraid so." said his grandmother.
The boy stood there pressing the small puppy against his cheek.
"We could not possibly take less than two dollars for this puppy," Judy said squeezing my hand. "Like you said, 'It's the pretty one'". She continued.
The school teacher took out two dollars and handed it to the young boy.
"It's your dog now, Jeffery. You pay the man."
I think it must be a wonderful feeling for any young person to look at themselves in the mirror and see nothing, except "The pretty one."
There is a light that shines beyond all things on earth, beyond the highest, the very highest heavens. This is the light that shines in your heart.
by Roger Dean Kiser from The Life and Times of Roger Dean Kiserhttp://www.rogerdeankiser.com
Wednesday, June 2, 2004
I've been thinking about my past today. Trying not to be too hard on myself.It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But maybe it's better to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience and growth.
Our past is a series of lessons that advance us toanother level of living and loving. The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us necessary lessons.
I've come out of some painful circumstances with strong insights about who I am and what I want. Mistakes? Oh yes, many! Necessary! I guess so. Necessary for me to learn from the mistakes. Our frustrations, failures, and sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress? Necessary too. Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the experiences we need to, to become who we are today. Each step of the way, we progressed. Is our past a mistake? No. The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth.
Today, I ask for help to let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships. I can accept, with gratitude, all that has brought me to today. One of my internet friends sent me this. I really liked it.
Allow Your Own Inner Light to Guide You
There comes a time when you must stand alone.
You must feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams.
You must be willing to make sacrifices.
You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be achieved.
Sometimes, familiarity and comfort need to be challenged.
There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities.
Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better.
Be confident enough that you won't settle for a compromise just to get by.
Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunities to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life.
Don't stand in someone else's shadow when it's your sunlight that should lead the way.