Reflecting

I lay in the bed last night reflecting on the past year. I thought of all the times, the tender times of the heart, I thought of a peaceful mind, which I so long for. Both have something to do with quality, the quality of feeling and reasoning.

Here it is the last day of what has been a trying, sometimes beautiful, sometimes uneasy, joyful, and painful year for me. I look forward to dawn tomorrow and, as the days get longer, to begin to feel my way into newness. It is not strange though it is mysterious that our "New Year" comes at the darkest time in the seasonal cycle. When there is personal darkness, when there is pain to be overcome, when we are forced to renew ourselves against all the odds, the psychic energy required simply to survive has tremoundouse force. I did some self portraits today, I put myself in darkness although, I feel the light coming at sunrise as great as that of a flower pushing up throuch icy ground in spring, so after the overcoming, there is extra enerygy, a flood of energy that can go into creation. This morning I woke up feeling it, knowing it, trusting it.

Class on teamwork

Well what a wonderful blessed Christmas our family had. It was so nice to be home with those I love so much. But now I'm back to the grindstone of work, and getting ready for the new year. We had a class today on teamwork. In the class they quoted some sports guy forgot who it is, I'm not the best with sports like my brother Lance. Anyway it was "What counts most in the creation of a succesful team is not how compatible its players are, but how they deal with incompatibility." When we don't get along with other, we are tempted to ignore them and shove them aside. This hit big with me, I thought of my past relationships and present as well. I've been guilty of this one for sure. Seems many of my relationships fall into this category. I'm not saying I was always the one to start ignoring, there were times I was the one that was ignored as well. I've been thinking on this one a bit today.
Althougth this hit big with me I also feel we are called to take a diffrent road. I've read somewhere in the bible "Be of one mind, and have compassion for each other; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous, not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this. I started by remembering, but had to look it up, it's 1 Peter 3:8-9.
Walk in light, I have many feelings on this, and may write more on this later but for the moment I'm at work and really better get back to work. I feel I'm in the writing mood today. Or maybe just a thinking mood. I just hope I can capture what I'm feeling and it doesn't go away. :)

Cleaning up and bad back

Well I spent most of the day picking up, washing clothes, grocery shopping, and hurting.  I made the mistake of bending over the wrong way, and my back has been hurting pretty bad.  But I trust it will be better tomorrow.  I'm cooking some homemade chicken noodle soup which I've been craving with this cold weather.  Mike wrote me the sweetest handmade card for Christmas and gave it too me yesterday.  He even wrote me a poem which I really loved.  I'm looking forward to a new year with him.  I want to sit down and for us to make goals for the new year and things we want for us.  I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year, and a prosperous blessed year.  I want to make some resolutions, but decided I just break them, so I'm just going to make goals for the New Year. 

Christmas Day

Autumn woke us all up early, and Santa came, he didn't come see me, but he sure came to see Autumn, she must have been really good.  We all got ready pretty fast for church and enjoyed a very nice Christmas service.  These two guys sang a great rendition of "The Little Drummer Boy".  We came home, Mama and Ray, Dena and Andy, and Sherry all had prepared another Christmas feast, chicken and dumplings were my favorite.  Mama's chicken and dumplings.  The day just seemed to fly by, as always I'm just starting to feel the most relaxed.  We all unwrapped presents, I made videos for everyone of the kids, and Sherry's wedding, and it was awesome watching their faces as they watched.  Especially the kids, they kept wanting to watch their video over and over.  Then they fought for the camera afterwards, well not fought, but they kept jumping in front of each other wanting their picture taken.  I think I've created camera hogs now.  Andy looked at Eli and said you want him to make another Eli video don't you.  Eli smiled big and said yes.  Somehow I didn't get to say goodbye to Autumn, because while I was taking pictures of the boys, her mom came and got her.  They said she cried because she didn't get to tell me goodbye.  I sure love that little girl.  I love them all.  I left late and was so tired driving home.  I thought of good memories made on the way home, and of the biggest birthday celebration.  The celebration of Jesus' birth.

Christmas Eve at Daddy and Jane's

Well we finally made it to Daddy's by 3:00 p.m. with big appetites.  There was so much wonderful food.  Everyone ate well.  Lance brought Amy and her two boys so we had extra kids.  Eli really enjoyed riding everyone around in his gator tractor.  Why didn't they invent stuff like that when I was little.  Imagine learning to drive when your only 3.  And Eli can really drive good, he even parks it behind his Papa's big gator lawnmower.  It's really awesome seeing our new generation growing so fast.  They really are amazing to watch.  I think I spend more time with the children when I go home, just trying to soak up every minute I can.  There was the most beautiful sunset toward the end of the day that I've seen at home in a long time.  I was lucky to grab a few pictures.  We went back to Sherry's and wound down, my back was hurting a bit by late evening and Sherry gave me a Vicadin, which put me out. I got Autumn to sleep so Santa would come see her.  I finally got her to sleep, she was so excited and kept thinking she heard reindeer on the roof, and had many questions.  I got up and put together one of the big Christmas planets with planets and stars that shine in the room of all colors and had to go back to bed, that vicadin kicked my butt.  In the wee hours around 3:30 I was having bad dreams, and couldn't wake up from them, so I convinced myself if I could make myself scream I would wake up.  But everytime I tried nothing came out.  The next morning everyone informed me that I was screming really loud in my sleep around 3:30, along with talking to myself for about 5 minutes.  Thank goodness I didn't wake Autumn up, she sleeps like a log.

Gee my hair taste terriffic

 

 

Christmas Eve, Sherry and I woke up pretty early I had some last minute shopping to do.  She went with me and we got it all knocked out, came home, and we started getting ready to go out to Daddy and Jane's.  It started off pretty easy but got a bit frustrating after a while.  Sherry called Jane and told her we may be a few minutes later than we had expected to give us some extra time.  Autumn had got a cute little green warm up suit that Santa actually brought a day early, and she was running around with it on.  I joked her calling her diffrent green names, like junebug, and green bean, and stink bug.  She didn't like that one.  Sherry had cooked some good ole greenbeans, and luckily they had cooled down, because when we started getting ready,  Autumn climbed up on the bar and decided she was going to stir the peas, and eat a few as well.  Well I was in the bedroom getting dressed and so was Sherry, when we hear this kaboom, followed by a minute of silence, then a cry coming down the hallway.  She walks down the hall with greenbeans all in her hair and her little new suit.  And tears, not because she was hurt but because she thought ReRe was going to be mad at her.  Which worked because although we did hear a few words come from ReRe's mouth, followed by Autumn saying you owe me $5 for that word that came out of her mouth.  Then Mark noticed she had her hair in her mouth and was sucking it.  He said get that hair out of your mouth.  She followed with it sure does taste good, just like green beans.  I should of took a picture, but we were all too worried she was hurt, we were just glad it wasn't hot, and burned her.

Christmas Eve

 

Well I left shortly after I woke up on Christmas Eve to go over to Daddy and Jane's we were having Christmas Eve over there.  I decided to go over to Andy and Dena's to see the boys.  Eli was riding around on his new Gator Tractor, and Ethan was playing with their new puppy Star.  Ethan who is as big if not bigger than his three year old brother.  Ethan is only one.  Ethan jumps in the drivers seat every time Eli gets out.  I took some cute ones of them.   We loaded up the little tractor with corn and carrots that Dena cooked and all the presents and walked with the boys up to Daddy's house.   When Ethan was getting in, Eli got a lead foot and drove right over his brother.  Ethan wasn't hurt, the tractor is very light plastic.  But it scared poor Eli, well it scared both of them actually, but Ethan quit crying before Eli did.  So I guess this counts as their first accident.  But not the first accident of Christmas Eve.  More later.

First day home Friday

I headed home to Georgia on Friday, it was hard leaving Mike that morning, I wanted him to come to Georgia with me so bad.  The ride home was pretty easy, not many people on the road which surprised me, guess I left early enough.   I stopped and saw my brother Lance at work, and had lunch with him.  Stopped at Dena's but she was having her much needed me time, because the boys were napping, she answered the door in her Shirly Temple curls and looked so cute, she was curling it for Christmas with Andy's family that night.   I decided to let her enjoy her me time with the boys asleep, and told her I'd see her later.  I  made it home, and was greeted by Sherry and Autumn and Mark.  It really got pretty cold the first day, we all got our coats on and played a lot, I'm not sure what it was but I was so tired.  I went to take a nap, and Autumn came in and took one with me.  We got up and was feeling much better.   Sherry had all kinds of little goodies for us, pizza that Mark made, dips and chips, and barb-q.    Cousin Christy came over with little Taylor and the girls played and had fun.  Amanda came over and brought Autumn's Chritmas present a little puppy named Mary, she's the cutest little cocker spaniel.   The puppy even brought back memories from mama's childhood.  She was happy to see Autumn with a little puppy like she had when she was a little girl.  We all had a nice day, Lance brought us a funny movie that I think I enjoyed watching his reactions as much as the movie.  Lance is quite funny and wonderful to watch when he laughing.  I made it to bed by 1:00 and slept really good.

I'm back home from home

I'm back home from Georgia.  I had a wonderful time and it was so good being with my beautiful family.   I'm pooped tonight and ready to hit the sack, but thought I'd put just a few pics on tonight, much more to come.  Mike and I had our Christmas tonight as well.  I missed him and am ready for some snuggle time.  More tomorrow.

Everyone Have a Merry Christmas

Well I'm up and packed and ready for my little road trip to Georgia to see the family.  The only thing not packed is Michael, because he has to work tomorrow and Monday.   It sure is going to be weird with him not with me for Christmas day.  I'm excited about heading home to see everyone.  Can't wait to spend some time with everyone.  I'll be heading back to Jacksonville on Christmas day late in the day.  I'm hope everyone has a beautiful Christmas!  Celebrate the baby!

 

derek

Christmas Tonic and Caroling

Church was good today, Linda's sermon was on Christmas tonic's.  I was talking to my mom the other day on how we were getting older and how we lose some of our childhood feeling on Christmas and other things.  It would be nice if we could keep some of that childhood wonder in our lives.  The childhood enchantment.  Tonight we went over to Barry and Susan's and did some caroling, it was fun with the illuminaries and all the Christmas spirit going on around us.  Barry and Susan are both so nice, and we really like them a lot.  They were the first two to come up and welcome Mike and I when we first came to the UCC church.  They are people that just give you that good feeling when your around them.  We even had two Santa's, Mike and Alvin.  We went out for a little while afterwards, and am back home.  I'm finally well, and Mike is feeling much better as well.   Big week ahead, hope everyone has a joyous blessed Christmas.

Quick entry before bed

Boy has this cold whipped my butt, I'm about to hit the sack early, hoping I will feel better tomorrow.  I've been working with it only because I ran out of sick days at work.  Mike and I got a card today from Valerie and Rochelle with a picture of us with little Aaron Michael, he's the cutest little boy.  Don't babies give you a new feel for life.  Well off to bed.

Early Merry Christmas

This would have made a good Christmas card!  Hope everyone is getting all there last minute Christmas shopping done!  I've got to do some this weekend.  Sherry wrote a sweet note in my blog tonight, she's such a sweet sister.  I hope we all have a blessed Christmas this year.

Happy Birthday to Me

We went to our third Christmas party last night, Mike went with Mike and I.  Dan and Brent had the house nicely decorated.  I got in the spirits so to speak, since my birthday hit towards the end of the party and we decided to celebrate my birthday early.  I had a nice time.  We went out afterwards, but the whole night was a bit of a blur.  Today I spent most of the day in bed, we did go have breakfast at Cool Moose, and Mike and Mike made me lunch.  We've mostly veged and watched movies. 

Jumbled thoughts

It is strange how difficult it is to go backward in a jounal to the immediate past.  Where has the year gone?  Suddenly I am desparate for time, while energy flows out in the starting of cold weather.   At times I feel bursts of energy, and at other times I wouldn't mind staying in bed for long periods of time.  I was thinking about our pastor Linda today, she was online earlier and I said hello to her.  When I consider a life like hers, so given and driven and how she is, nevertheless, an ever-flowering, responsive, caring person.  I feel a kind of awe.  My mind still wanders, it goes backward and forward of this past year.  I feel like I was supposed to do more.  But all I can do is what I've done.    Am I confusing today or what.   I need to get back writing more.  I see how my thoughts are jumbled.  Here's some pictures I took this weekend.

I've been going through picture after picture trying to find my favorite one I took of Sherry at her wedding, I think this one is my favorite.  Her eyes seem to sparkle.  I can't believe it's been seven months already since she and Mark married.  It's actually the last getaway that Mike and I have had, I wonder if we'll ever really get to have a little vacation, we sure need one.  My back's been bothering me a good bit today, I've got a photo shoot tomorrow after church, hope it's feeling better.  I gave little Abby a bath today, wanted to clean the house, but after cleaning the bathroom, realized I better take it easy, or I won't be able to go to the Julie and Thersa's party tonight, going to go hit the showers.  Later.

Thursday Thoughts

Yesterday Mike was telling me about getting a verbal warning at work.  Basically I think they told him to slow down.  So he says he's slowed down and made a check list, to make sure everything get's done.  Things sure can get busy, especially in the holiday season.  Guess we could all use a check list this time of year, and maybe all the time if we are the kind that have a lot to do.  Sometimes I think about when I get upset or angry, if I had followed a checklist, maybe I would have got done something that I was upset wasn't done.  I think number one on my check list would be to stop, consider what I'm about to say before I say it, I think that would probably help a lot.  There's a lot of things I could put on the checklist that I havn't been getting around to lately.  Meditating, praying, exercising, yep, I've been getting lazy.  Not sure what it is about this time of year, but every years my back seems to start hurting the worst, my belly starts getting the biggest.  Then January rolls around and I start running again and getting ready for the Gate River Run, everything seems new and I start getting things in order.  Wonder if I could do that for the whole year before I get lazy near December.  The verse in the bible comes to mind.  "Love suffers long and is kind."  I can't believe it's December first already, man this year has flown.  I'm ready for a real vacation.  Somewhere exotic, or out west, or just out of town.  Disney World?  I don't know but I'm ready for one, even if I just have to take 4 or 5 days and relax. I havn't been writing as much lately it seems, not sure why.  Can't seem to get all my thoughts collected.  Been feeling more scatterbrained than usual.  :)  Well hope everyone out there is having a great week!

More thoughts

Thought I'd share my Thanksgiving.  I was lucky enough to get off early on Wednesday, so I made it home earlier than I had expected.  When I got there, the whole crew was there.  Dena was at Sherry's with Autumn, Eli, and Ethan.  I brought a soccer ball, some matchbox cars for Eli, a barbi watch for Autumn, and a little sound machine for Ethan.  When I got in the house, and mentioned to Eli that I got him a little matchbox car he said lets go get them.  We all played in the yard for hours, soccer and making up new games.  Then we followed Autumn as she wanted to play Follow the leader.  Even Ethan played.  I took a few random shots of them that day.  We all stayed up late, and played and ate.  Then got up the next day and went to my dad's for Thanksgiving.  All the food was delicious.  I took the kids out in the cotton fields and we all played outside.  Then I took Autumn to mom and Ray's and we spent the night out there, and watched movies.  I was awaken by the smell of breakfast cooking, and oh what a pleasant smell that was.   Andy came by later and brought Eli, and I took them on a few adventures.  Mama and me took them for a little walk too before I headed back over to Sherry's.  Grabbed a quick nap, and then we got ready and went over to Gina and Andrew's who had our whole family over for Thanksgiving.  A lot of wonderful food again.   Gina was so nice to have us all over there.  Cousin Christy and her husband Bobby came over and little Taylor Grace.  We had a housefull, Sherry took the kids over and roasted marshmellows on the fire, I think she ate more than the kids though.  The whole time spent with family just flew by as it always does, I always have to leave when I feel so at home.  Autumn tore my heart out with tears when I left.  She didn't want Uncle Derek to go.     I made it back home, Mike was working but made it home.  We joined the church on Sunday morning.  It turned out to be a bit of a stressful day that day.  Sometimes Mike and I just seem to bicker no matter how hard we try not too.  I dreamed last night I saw him as a little boy, and I saw myself as a little boy, those two little boys got into a fight, it was a strange dream because I could feel what both little boys were feeling.  I saw my little boy trying to make up, and say I'm sorry but his little boy just felt bitter, refusing to listen, turning on some music so he would not have too.  Then bedtime came and Little Mike couldn't go to sleep, he stayed up stewing over things, perplexed and confused.  Then my mama came to my little boy and offered a big hug, his mama came to him, and he crossed his arms not letting her hug him.  Then I woke up.    When I woke up I thought of many things, but most of all I was thankful.  I was thankful with my time with my family, thankful for all that I've been given.  Thankful that I have been forgiven.  Knowing I am forgiven.  I also find my heart being much more forgiving as well.  I think by forgiveness is the only way we can let go of any anger we may hold. 

I love my family

I enjoy watching my family.  From Lance and his new girlfriend Amy, Dena and Andy, and all their little smooches, too Sherry and Mark and all their hospitality.  They are great entertainers.   Mom is looking especially beautiful.  I love her new smile.  It was great being home. 

Walk down a dirt road

We went for a walk down the dirt road and we saw an old well out in the middle of some land, we walked up to it and checked it out. I wonder about the hand that laid brick for brick for their drinking water. Then I looked up and saw Autumn and mom looking at some birds flying over, perfect shot. Now Eli wasn't too fond of the well as you can see when mom tried to pick him up and show him the well.  We kept going and came upon a dropoff with a pond.   Autumn and Eli enjoyed throwing rocks in the water.  We asked them what kind of animals were out there and they told us everything from alligators to lizards and fish.  No alligators but plenty of the other I'm sure.

Cotton Fields

I took the three out for a walk in the cotton fields, Autumn and Eli loved it, but Eli wasn't too sure of it, the cotton didn't taste anything like cotton candy to him.

ThanksgivingDayPicture

thespacekeydoesntworkwillwritetonightwhenigethome

John's Weekend Assignment.

Weekend Assignment #86: Thankfully Remembered

Next Thursday is Thanksgiving, and, frankly, I don't expect to see too many of you around here on that day, so I thought I'd post a Thanksgiving-themed Weekend Assignment this Thursday:

Weekend Assignment #86: Who are you thankful for -- who you won't be able to spend this Thanksgiving with? This is a chance to tell us about the people you care about who will be far away from you this holiday, or who have passed on but remain in your heart.

Well the one that is still in my life, is Mike, he's working the day before Thanksgiving, and after, so he's not going to be able to make it to Georgia with me.  I'm thankful that his mom and him talked this week after many months of not talking.  So this is good.  I'm heading to Georgia Wednesday so am looking so forward to seeing everyone.  The people I am thankful for but won't get to spend Thanksgiving with, my grandparents.  Thanksgiving memories always bring them to life for me and my family, we often sit and revisit these memories of them.  Mema and Nana both seemed to enjoy Thanksgiving so much because their families were home with them.  I guess my mom is much like them now.  I'm thankful for all the many wonderful memories of Thanksgiving past with my grandparents, even the one where I gave the dogs the food I was supposed to put in Mema's refrigerator outside.  Why I fed it to the dogs I still don't know.  But they always love sharing that story every year.  I'm thankful for all the people I've shared Thanksgiving with in the past and they are no longer a part of my daily life.  I'm also thankful for all the friends I do have now, and they are with family.

Extra Credit: Pumpkin pie vs. pecan pie -- which do you choose for Thanksgiving dessert?  I'll take both, but I love pecan pie.  My mema made the best pecan pie, and my Nana made the best pumpkin pie.

Sunday

Oh what good food we had last night, we had our church Thanksgiving dinner last night,  Terri and George hosted it and their house was so, peaceful and warm.  There was so much wonderful food, my stew was a hit.  We all really had a great time, I was upset that I forgot my camera because Valerie and Rochelle brought their new addition, little Aaron Michael, he's such a beautiful and perfect baby.  Mike and I both held him and he was so sweet.  We made it home and I was tired and hit the sack, I dreamed I went to a restaurant, and Mike was dressed up like a big turkey, in a 3 person suit, he was the head and feet of the turkey but two women were the wings, maybe it was his mom and sister, but they were going around singing Happy Thanksgiving songs like Happy Birthday to each table, I woke up laughing.  This morning we went to church, and we had a nice service that seemed to touch us all in some way.  Our choir sang the song we've been practicing for the past few weeks, and my music was just shaking I was so nervous.  Now we're back home, time for some rest.

Saturday morning

At last a shining day that looks as though it will stay.  I have the morning for myself.  I got up early whining that I didn't want to take Mike to work, since Saturday is the only day I can sleep late.  It's turned out to be a rather pleasant day.  I got to the gym with Mike at 8:00.  Did a few weights, not much, but enough to get me started again.  Then I laid in the tanning bed.  I did a little grocery shopping.  Got home turned on the music, and started cooking.  I'm cooking another stew for the church dinner tonight.   I ended up making potato salad with the left over potatoes.  Made some egg salad too with some of the eggs left over for the potato salad.   I also made some tuna salad with some of the carrots and eggs.  I'm looking forward to my little lunch alone.  Tuna salad on toast and some milk.  I cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen.  Now I'm taking me a little break, while the clothes are in the washer and dryer.  I'm either going to go for a swim a little later or a run, havn't decided which yet.  It really is a sparkling day, with a little cold bite too it.  I have all the windows up airing things out.  I've been reading a wonderful book called "Making All Things New" by Henri J.M. Nouwen.  I've really enjoyed it.   It offers some nourishement to the soul.  I'll write more on that later.  I've never really mentioned this before but I started this journal almost two years ago during a hard time trying to get back to myself and trying to pull myself out of depression after the ending of yet another relationship.  I truly feel I'm on a rising curve.   The landscape seems suddenly peaceful today, no anger, no irritation.  So I sit today and feel blest in my love and welcome joy back.  I have had the blah's for a while.  Mike and I have been going through some things, but we finally broke down and tried to talk about our feelings.  The whole ad thing bothered me too, not so much as the ads but just a feeling that all were leaving, I am a big follower.  I jumped on the bandwagon as well and started working on blogger.  But I still feel compelled to stay.  For this has been a healing tool for me, and know in my heart it will continue to be wherever life or blogs take me.

Lost

Lost was good last night, I really love this show.  The writers are wonderful.  I havn't been writing lately.  My family even commented on it.  Saying ok what's going on with you?  I've been in a funk even before all this ad stuff going on.  Honestly the ad thing is not what has been bothering me so much, it's the fact that I can post entries by going onto aol, I have to actually go to www.aol.com  and then post entries, so I'm still a little clueless to what's going on.  I'm so ready for Thanksgiving, I miss the little ones and my family a lot.  I hate Mike can't go home with me since he has to work the day before and the day after.  I wish he and his family were doing better or at least talking cause I know it is tearing him up.  I also hate not being with him on a holiday.    What kind of emotions does Thanksgiving bring up for you.  Mine are happy memories of family, friends, and lots of good food.  I think of my grandmother's and my years of eating two thanksgiving dinners in one day.  I loved it.  Maybe we should plant trees in remembrance of them this year, try something new, not sure just an idea.  I've kind of held onto that bug I had last week, but mostly feeling much better.  I'm at work, so better get back to it, but just felt like dropping a few lines in here.  Partly because I just felt like it, and partly to see if anyone's out there?  :)

Lost

I feel a little lost, well guess I'm learning how to post on instant message. I don't have anything good to say yet about all this, so I won't say anything at all, but I am testing things over at http://derekveal.blogspot.com/ to see if I can learn more about their space.

A living Prayer

Has anyone listened to Allison Krause "A Living Prayer", she definately makes bluegrass music cool.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here are the lyrics.

In this world, i walk alone with no place to call my home,
but there’s One who holds my hand, the rugged road through barren lands

the way is dark, the road is steep but He’s become my eyes to see,
the strength to climb, my griefs to bear, this Savior lives inside me there

In your love i find release, a haven from my unbelief
take my life and let me be a living prayer, my God to thee

in these trials of life i find another voice inside my mind,
He comforts me and bids me live, inside the love the Father gives

in your love i find release, a haven from my unbelief
take my life and let me be a living prayer, my God to thee

I looked for a link to the song, but havn't found one yet.

 

thought I'd try this Frapper Map thing

http://www.frappr.com/celebrate

I've seen this on so many blogs lately.

All you do is add your name, zipcode, photo (optional), and comment!  That way we can get an idea where everyone is from! 

Inside Myself

I wrote this poem, I think I've shared on here before called Inside Myself, I went looking today at art galleries and diffrent places, and when I saw this it reminded me of the poem I wrote.  The artist is Jennifer Woodall.  She wasn't there today when I got it, but I did get her email so I plan on checking with her what the painting meant to her, I found it very interesting.  Here's the poem I wrote.

Inside Myself

by Derek

Lost inside myself, reaching out to the universe. What will I learn?

Pictures in frames have changed with time, evidence of my journey, faces in trees that were meant to GUIDE ME.

I stand outside alone at night, close my eyes and feel something that surrounds me, it is then my spirit hears their voices, rise out of the darkness.  A sigh in the trees. "Our eyes are the stars that shine".  "Our love is the moonlight that gently whispers the night."  "Our hope for you fills each glorius dawn with light". "Our pride in all you have done, gives color to every sunset." 

Am I looking into the eyes of my ancestors, realizing I am on the path I was meant to take all along.  I'm no longer inside myself, I'm finding my guiding stars more beautiful than any other in this vast sky.

 

I thought this painting really went well with my poem.  Will be interesting to see what the painting meant to her.  As you may be able to tell, I'm feeling much better.  It's a beautiful day today, I'm sitting here windows open, listening to Elisa Korenne.  It sure is good to be feeling so much better.  I found out about chemo angels through my friend Chris over at http://journals.aol.com/jeroldssis/ItsAllAboutMeIthink/entries/144

this entry tells you a little about it.  It's such a great organization, just wanted to tell everyone about it since Chris shared it with me, thought maybe someone would see it and take an interest.

Back at work today

 

Well here I am back at the grindstone, that Phenergan really wiped me out yesterday, I think I slept like 14 hours.  But at least I'm well enough to be back at work.  Still feeling a little funny on my stomach, but it's much better today.  I can smile.  But boy am I ready to be home already.  Thank goodness it's been kind of slow today, most Fridays are.  Not a lot planned for the weekend, Mike and are supposed to take a class on Sunday and two other Sunday's about being a new member of our church.  He got some movies for us to watch tonight.  I hope I'm feeling well enough to go for a run tomorrow the weather was so nice the past two days and I was trapped inside which I hated.  Everyone have a great weekend, and thanks again for all the well wishes.  I spoke to my mom today since she's off for Veterans Day.  Nothing like a talk with Mama when your feeling bad.

Feeling much better

Well I took in a lot of rest today, I did go to the doctors, seem this nasty stuff is going around.  I just woke up about an hour ago, slept most of the day, I got out of the house long enough to go get me some Hi-C, was craving some fruit punch.  I'm going to watch Survivor and hit the sack again, so I'm sure I will be ready for work tomorrow.   I want to thank everyone for there nice comments, maybe that's what makes me feel better.

Maybe my feeling of the blues were just linked to the fact that I was getting sick, or maybe me getting sick is tied to having the blues, not sure which.  I've been sick the last two days and havn't gone to work.  My head hurt so bad yesterday that I was having bad nausea.  I got up this morning and told Mike to get in the bed, he slept on the couch since I was so sick, so I told him to go get in the bed and get some sleep before he has to go to work.  So now I'm relaxing on the couch.   Well the computer screen is getting kind of blurry so I think I will go lay back down.  Hope to write some today if I can, maybe I need to just do it with pen and paper.  I hate being like this and being stuck on the couch or in the bed. 

Feeling Blue

No matter how hard I try to make myself feel good, it just doesn't seem to be working.  The true feeling in my stomach is not good.  I'm feeling blue!  I could go into a thousand reasons why I'm not feeling so wonderful, but for now I'll just say I might as well feel whatever it is I'm feeling rather than try and run from it or cover the feeling with something else.   I wish I could get this feeling out, it's a knot in my stomach or something that something just isn't right, I can't explain it any better than that, it's not irrational thoughts, they are real.  It's like my life has been so full of hurts, that a part of me feels that hurt is on it's way again.    The past with all it's hurts come back, and I feel them once again.  In my heart or in my head I know what is real for me.  But all I can know is what is real with me, and sometimes I want to know what is real for others.  Here I am going back to the Velveteen rabbit.  I guess we can only be real for ourselves and that is all that is important.  I'll sit with these feelings.  Maybe it's time I went to my psychologist again. 

CrockPot Sunday and Sword Fighting

We had a nice day at church today.  It was crock pot Sunday and I brought a pot of my homemade vegetable beef soup.  It was a good day today our church had it's first members today.  Mike and I are joining next week.  After church we walked throught the park which is right by our church and they were doing the swordfighting, fencing stuff.  I think it's like roleplay, but not really sure.  But it was kind of fun to watch.  Like going back in time.  It was kind of funny to me for some reason.  I don't think you would catch me out there with all that gear in the hot sun just to get banged in the head.  I took a long nap today.  So got plenty of sleep tonight, I bet I won't be able to sleep tonight.

Child in the Dark

Last night in my dreams I saw a child that child was me, he was embracing himself against the dark. He knows not why, nor imagines why. He only acknowledges the existence and the "feel of things" to come. He waits...He waits... He waits for the reality that will knowing come, He knows it will come...with a vengence and a rage, it will come, and he waits...   Life without pain, He waits... For neither shame nor sorrow He waits... He waits for the scars to heal, They are deep, The soul was wounded, And it lies there bleeding, until it too will come, with a vengence and a rage masked by duty. Oh, Yes!  It too shall come.   Muffled voices fall on a muted, numb brain, but he feels the tension.. he knows, Anticipation crushes his chest... and he knows. Oh God!  Please!  But he knows. Fear grips his eyes as it turns them to liquid. Light suddenly and blindly explodes the room It has come.   Somewhere tonight a child sleeps, curled inside himself.  He tries to reach the womb, nine months without pain, no sorrow, not tears. For in the womb there was comfort and peace.   The child will find much in this world, pain and sorry, joy and love. So for now he waits... and dreams of gossamer wings that will fly him to peace and a life without pain... He waits.   by Derek  

 

A few years ago I had a conversation about a book "The Celestine Prophecy"  It was a interesting book, that I really enjoyed at the time I read it,  there was a section about we choosing the life we are born into, and my friend told me he thought he didn't want to be born, that he was sad in his inbetween place, and although he still had to come back because there was things he still hadn't learned.  I had a dream last night and saw a child in the dark, although the child was me not him.  I saw him in the dark, then I saw a light coming, and thought about birth.  I finally wrote something with the word gossamer wings, I've heard that in so many poems and always wanted to use it.  So now I finally have.     

Rich Aroma

The sweet aroma is filling the air I breath.  I checked out Paula Dean on the internet, she's one of my favorite cook's.  I picked this receipe out.  http://www.foodtv.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,1977,FOOD_9936_29692,00.html

I'm cooking the "Lady and sons Vegetable Beef Soup",  the aroma is just too rich.  I'm making a huge pot of it, tomorrow is our Crock Pot Sunday, so there will be plenty for tomorrow.  Today has been a nice day, I went and got groceries, the Fridge is full and the freezer.  I even got some Rocky Road ice cream.  I'm bad, but oh well, I'll splurge this weekend.  Mike is at work.  It was so nice to have a clean house to come home to yesterday.  Although I did smart off at him last night when he tried telling me how to wash something in the washing machine.  My back or my lower back has been bothering me on one side, I went and jogged 6 miles today, and man am I sore, I was supposed to meet Mike at the gym, but don't think I'm going to make it, probably going to go put some ice or heat on it.  I'm feeling creative today, I need to draw.  I've been feeling it calling me lately.  I've been into the photography thing so much that I havn't drawn much.  But I've been seeing images in my head.  So I've got to draw or write prose or something.  Funny how it just hits me at times, and other times I can't seem to get anything done. 

It's Friday

Finally the day has come.  I look so forward to Friday's every week.  This was was even better because I came home to a clean house.  Mike cleaned today on his day off.  Now we can enjoy the weekend for sure.  I'm literally exhausted, rough week.  But glad I can just put my feet up and relax now.  O.K. I'm going to unwind some!  Have a great weekend everyone!

Mysteries of Yesterday

Pillars

of marble

shattered, lying in

 the dust of centuries.  

Statues, once

wreathed in magnificence.

contained of holiness,

lie toppled,

beheaded,

awaiting eternity.  

Upon a hill,

a temple,

long since stripped

of splendor,

material and ethereal,

stands in ruins

forgotton. 

A mystery left in our minds...

Relationship

Relationship is precious art

Known by millions, but shared by two.

Felt deep with each person's heart,

Relationship is precious art.

Strong friendships never torn apart;

Remaining old-beginning new.

Relationship is precious art

Known by millions, but shared by two.

by Derek

 

Happy Birthday Lance

Me and Lance about 23 years ago.

Well as much as I was hoping I was going to have a new brother or sister born on Halloween, it didn't happen.  But I did get my wish on a new brother.  When Lance was born, I looked so forward to sharing all of life's little adventures.  As I've said in some old entries, I prayed for a little brother from the time I found out my mom was having a baby.  He came into this world and was so loved by us all.  I think we all loved having his attention.  I wanted him by my side, I wanted to show him things.  I still remember his first smiles.  He always had a light in his eyes burning.  Always with love.  I can't remember anything other than that, it shines naturally in him.  Autumn, Eli, and Ethan are the same way.  There are many treasured memories I hold dear and so much laughter.  Hope this is a wonderful birthday for you Bro.  Seems the world we live in is so busy.   Seems time is just going by quicker and quicker, even though you still seem really young to me.  Man twenty six.  Your the best bro anyone could have.  I've really enjoyed you having  journal too, I love to hear what's going on in your world and you.  Just know I'm grateful and appreciate you and most of all want you to know how much I love you!  We all do.  Happy Birthday!  Man we had a lot of hair in that first picture!

Lance and me in Disney World

Halloween Twenty Six Years ago

On a dark scary Halloween many years ago, we were painting our faces and getting ready to go trick or treating, when my mother went into labor.  She left me in charge of my two younger sisters and asked me to take them trick or treating.  I was so excited, but mom wasn't she said she didn't want the baby born on Halloween, which I still find funny.  I spent the night trick or treating with my sisters, then coming back home.   No baby came Halloween night, but we were about to have a new one in our household the next day. 

Tonight was fun looking at all the Halloween trick or treaters, brought back good memories.  Then there was some really strange ones that came too.  Been watching Prison Break, and Medium tonight, Mike's working late.  I'm beat.  About to hit the hay.

 

Early to Church

Well we made it to church and hour and a half early.  Yes we forgot to set our clocks back, how long did it take us to figure it out, well actually about 40 minutes.  I was supposed to be at choir practice 30 minutes early.  So we thought maybe they had cancelled choir practice,  then it got time for church and noone was still there, then a light bulb.  We forgot to set our clock back.  O.K. lets go try this again!

Last year

Well doesn't look like we're dressing up this year.  So I'm going through last years pictures.  Where's my magic lamp?

 

Still In thought

Sitting in my silence looking about,

I see things in a diffrent light.

It is better to wait and discern the truth,

than to jump to conclusions

and forever be a fool.

Let me step back and listen

as the turbulent waters rise higher

upon emotions of web-like hatred

that entangles the least suspecting of all.

Remaining silent is sometimes the light,

for it is useless to argue and not know the truth.

The truth is sometimes overlooked

when dissension sets in

to warp the mind of the loser.

by Derek

Lunch today

I had lunch today with a person from work.  We sat down and she started complaining about people who sent email's with Christian messages, and how they bothered her.  So I just I just let her talk, she seemed to want to get a lot off her chest.  Then after she went on she said if your a Christian I didn't mean to offend you.  I told her I was.  I then asked her why she was so upset or angry.  She started by saying we don't practive what we preach.  She said many of us are very experienced at sounding religious, but we don't put our words into action.  Then she went on to say her father was a minister, and she has lots of problems with her father.  Honestly I felt a little drained.  I told her I understood what she was talking about.  That it was like our discrepancy report we do every morning for the vendors that sell to us.  When there is a discrepancy between what is said and done, confusion is created.  I told her I thought she brought up some good points that even left me thinking.  Then I just shared with her about my love and how great it is when words and actions actually agree.  I told her about growing up in a wonderful loving family.  Mostly I just listened though.  I've been thinking about that everything she said.  I started wondering how similar am I too those people she was talking about, saying one thing and doing another.  I know I've been guilty of that.  I have a past, one that I can probably never run from, no matter how hard I try.  All I can do is live in the now, and do the best I can.  All we can do is speak our truths.  I don't want to be a hypocrite, is that spelled wrong?  I told her I couldn't answer for her, I could only answer for myself.  But I do hope she let off some steam and felt a little better, and left feeling a lit bit better about life in general.  Bless her! Bless me a lot too please.  I need it! 

Mike and Me

Well, it's only a few days till Halloween, wonder what we are going to dress up like?

Lazy

Guess that 6 mile run zonked me more than I knew.  I got home from work today and crashed.  Now I'm awake.  Mike and I just ate.  Bellies are full.  Nothing's on television.  I had heard a friend of mine from high school had written a book.  He was always a nice guy.   I didn't have a lot of guy friends in high school, lots of girlfriends.  He was a little younger than me, and we were both into Drama and acting.  I always thought a lot of him, I was older than him, one year I was a lifeguard and lifeguarded for his church's summer camp.  I took a class with him too and he sat behind me too.   We weren't close friends, but I always felt a closeness with him.  Maybe because we had stuff in common.  My friend Daryl had told me he had written a book of short stories about growing up.  I found his website.  www.hankrion.com .  I look forward to reading some of his short stories, he always had a great since of humor and liked to laugh.   He always seemed older than he was too.

Prayers and thought going out to Tara

It's sad when we turn the television on and see so much sadness in the world.  It's even sadder when this sadness hits so close to home.  In my hometown.  I had recently added a article from someone's blog on this, with a link on the bottom of this entry, and also had his link as a favorite's of mine on my sidebar.  He seemed to think I was putting this in as my entry although I had linked his site on the entry and also to the side.  So I've chosen to just take it out completely.    He's a great writer, and I thought by linking his site on the bottom, anyone reading would know it was written by him.  Ok, now I'm losing track of what is important and what I mainly want is basically I just want to ask for prayers and good thoughts for Tara and her family.  She went missing  Saturday of last week, and has many people who are praying and keeping good thoughts for her and her family.

That's Tara on the left. The 5'3", brown-haired, brown-eyed 30-year-old didn't show up for work on Monday, October 24, 2005.   When the school realized Tara had not shown up for work Monday, they called her in as a missing person. As it was, she had not been seen since Saturday night, October 22. No one knows what Tara was wearing when she disappeared... yet her house was locked and her car was there. The only items anyone could determine were missing were her purse and keys. 

Nothing like this has ever happened in our hometown, for as long as I can remember we left the doors unlocked.  Until the last few years when so many bad things seem to be going on everytime we turn on the television or pick up the newpaper. 

Tuesday night getting close to bedtime

Well this was a full day.  The ballots opened, and I cast my votes.  Long day at work.  I got home, went and ran 6 miles by the St. John's river, it was simply beautiful.  The cool air, I don't think I even broke much of a sweat, although my legs just weren't go too fast the first few miles.  I came home, washed Abby, she's was so sweet.  So I treated her with a little bit of boiled chicken.  I cooked homemade chicken pot pie.  I should go take a picture of it, but I'm tired.  Made chicken and pasta for lunch tomorrow.  Washed some clothes.  I'm beat.  Mike's working the late shift tonight, and will be home in an hour I guess.  I'm so tired, I'm not sure if I will be able to stay up, I'm wooped.  I wanted to write something tonight.  But can't think of any great subjects.  Hope everyone is doing great and don't forget to vote.  :)

In Memory of Rosa Parks

Tuesday October 25, 2005
In loving memory of Rosa Parks,A modern Saint whose light of justice and freedom will shine on for years to come.  Detroit, Michigan was lucky to have her.  She was an outstanding citizen since the late 50's. Born February 4th, 1913.  Arrested at age 42 in Alabama.  She sat down and stood up for Justice for our world and herself.  What a serene and quiet lovely lady.  With great inner strength and determination.  She died peacefully in her sleep at 92.
God bless you Rosa Parks!

John's Weekend Assignment

Weekend Assignment #82: What was your favorite bedtime story as a child?  I grew up with Dr. Seuss, my mom must have got me all the Dr. Seuss books when I was growing up.  When I was a child I had a problem that many kids probably face, that was nightmares.  After I got this book, I started changing those creatures in my nightmares from monsters that were going to hurt me to monsters that were my friends.  This was my favorite book growing up.  I also loved "The Velveteen Rabbit" which I think I loved even more as an adult.  I loved being read too, and reading. 

Extra Credit: As an adult , have you shared that favorite bedtime story with a child?  I got Autumn the book "The Velveteen Rabbit", and Eli the leapster edition of "Where the Wild Things Are".  The first book I read was "Island of the Blue Dolphins", can't wait to give that book to Autumn soon.  I also loved "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe", can't wait till that movie comes out in December.

      “The wild things roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth
and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws
but Max stepped into his private boat and waved goodbye
and sailed back over a year and in and out of weeks and through a day
and into the night of his very own room, where he found his supper waiting for him
and it was still hot.”—Where the Wild Things Are

Photo Friday: Retro

My dad in the late 50's with his little cousin Marie.

TGIF

I was reading my sister's blog http://journals.aol.com/rerequalsme/LifeofSherry/ she wrote about Papa on his birthday this week too, funny how big he was to all of us.  He really was a great man.  He made each one of us feel so special.  And always talked to us like we were people, no matter how little we were.  It's Friday finally!  Woo Hoo!  It's food day today at work, and I'm trying to be good.  I've never seen so many goodies.  Got a call, will write more later. Well I'm back, still at work, and I just couldn't say no to all the goodies.  We have so much good food here today.  I think the chicken salad in pasta was my favorite.  I'm going to have to really jog hard when I get home.  I'll be pushing!  "I think I can, I think I can".   My mom's up in Atlanta this week with her husband Ray, I know she's been looking forward to a little relaxation.  Poor ole Sherry's back is out, so everyone send good vibes her way.  She said Autumn was home sick with her.  I talked to her earlier, everytime I talk to her she sounds more grown up.  Well I better get back to work.  It's really slow today at work.

Running again

I've started running again, or maybe I should say jogging.  I jogged six miles on Monday.  It felt really good getting back into it.  That first run always pulls me back into it.  Although some lady commented on how slow I was running while she was on her bicycle.  I just laughed.  Yesterday was another beautiful day. I ran after work five miles, getting a good run in before it started getting dark. The sun sets noticeably earlier these days and dusk was settling in on my way back across the last bridge. Quite beautiful and I was wishing for a camera.  I'm going to do my best to stick with it this time, I really feel good when I do this.  Many of my aches have gotten noticeable smaller.  The goal for now is just get out there every other day.  I'd like to start swimming again also.  Yesterday I ran two bridges.  On the second one I felt myself slow down.  I got to find my pace again.  I was cramping something awful, but was fine after they ceased.   The autumn air is finally arriving, lending enough chill to the air that I don't sweat as terrible as I would have a few weeks ago.  This is my favorite time of year. Life is good, indeed.  I felt happy and satified when I walked back in the house.  Mike grilled chicken and I made some strange pasta, with tomatoes, mozzerella, rasberry vinegrette, onion, and pepper.  It was ok, kind of a mederannea taste.  Diffrent though.  Then it was an hour of "Lost", I've been hooked on this show now from the start.  Mike got a job at Bailey's Gym, so maybe I will get inspired to start working out more.  Sure hope so.  He seems happy with it.  Worked on editing some photo's and finally made it to bed by midnight.  If I can keep up the running, maybe I should start a jogging blog.  You should hear all the things that go through my mind while I run.  As I run uphill on the Acosta Bridge with the river on both sides, the thought "I think I can, I think I can"  come to mind as I make it to the top of the bridge, down the bridge, " I know I can, I know I can".  I love the me time I have while running, I talk to Father, the son, and I sing real loud on the times I wear my little ipod.  

Happy Birthday Papa

It's been 12 years since my grandfather passed away.  I think he would be 92 today if he was still alive.  But he's still alive in my brain, or his spirit is still with me.  Papa battled prostrate cancer for many years.  It's still hard for me to get past those last years.  I remember kneeling by his bed, and singing old hymns to him with the old tape recorder.  Many tears came out like a flood while I was there.  The finality of a life came too me on my last visit, and it was so overwhelming.  I think I had hoped for a miracle.  He was so strong to me, even laying in that bed, all I could see was Papa, my strong Papa.  There was even moments when he thought he was still strong Papa, for a moment once, he tried to get out of the bed and  get me to go for a ride.  I so wanted to take him on that ride, but no one would have it.  He joked when Mema and Tamara were in the other room, that I could sneak him out the back door.  I just laughed, and cried all in the same breath.  Even writing this now, I get kind of overwhelmed.  I think of that verse "Jesus wept".  He cried because he knew the reality of Heaven.  I think my tears were mainly selfish tears, because I didn't want to let him go.  But now I can cry because I know He's waiting for us, but I do still miss him.  He loved all of us so much.  I still see his big hands,  I can still see his eyes, when he was looking at me.  I can see him smiling.   I can see me and Sherry hiding, waiting for him to come in from work, to scare him, every time he played along and acted scared.   Happy birthday Papa!   We all love you! 

 

I love this show

Saturday over at Linda's

Saturday was good,we went down by the river and had a little picnic, then went over to my cousin's girlfriend Linda's, and their neighbor Sue came over and we grilled Salmon on the grill.  It was delicious.  We had a good night.  today we went to church, and I napped most of the day.  We've got the windows open, and airing things out, it's been a beautiful weekend.   Last week our pastor preached a powerful sermon that seemed to touch us all in a big way.  He started with a headline in a local paper that said the Vatican was going to ban gay priests, even if they were celibate.  He quoted "because of their condition which suggest a serious personality disorder that detracts from their ability to serve as ministers, or to serve God these men that were called by God to serve him.  He ended up having or sharing with us a discourse with God.  It was almost in the form of a letter,or conversation.  You could tell it was from the heart.  Not only that he stood up fo me as a straight man.  He preached of a the battle of words that rages on and on.    He ended his sermon asking himself why he was preaching this sermon, he said two reasons.  First, because he thought it is vital that heterosexuals like himself who are steped in knowledge about issues of sexuality should speak up and out to the wider public.  Too many surveys and other research that is done is often attributed to gays and lesbians.  Conservatives won't accept that.  Straight people must be at the forefront.  Second, he felt the sermon was essential about God and how we discern with will of God through Jesus, who accepts everyone as they are.  Because God was in Jesus we believein the image of god in each one of us. Whether we are straight or gay, we are God's child.  He affirmed that with all his heart and soul.   It felt really good hearing his message.  I left feeling really good.

Where's my crown?

Mike is really into these battle games on the computer, like Ancient Rome, or the castle building games, kind of roleplaying games.  He loves them and can sit for hours playing them.  We also love the old history movies of ancient times.  There is one story I can't remember the name of it, but it's about a man who is determined to have the royal infant killed.  He summons someone else to do away with the baby prince.  The officer in turn has a herdsmen to take the child way up in the mountains and leave him there to die of the terrain.  The herdsman and his wife however take the child and raise him as their own, him growing up not knowing about his royal heritage, because he was pretty much a herdsman son and grew up poor.  Then he ends up on an adventure that takes him back home.  It was pretty good but this movie got me to thinking like just about everything.  We are like this, we so often do not realize our royal heritage through Christ.  I remember my mom telling me when I was little, we may be poor but we have a castle waiting for us in Heaven.  We have been given everything we need, so let's not live like the peasants in the potato sacks.  Let's live like the royals do.  Hope everyone is having a great week.   Prince Derek

Surface

 

I watched the Surface marathon tonight on Scifi, I love this show, it's kind of hokey, but the acting is really good!

Fears

  In my last entry I mentioned my fear of haunted houses.  When I was pretty little, I think like four or five, my parents went to an amusement park with me, and they wanted to go in a haunted house, at first they thought maybe I was too young because it would scare me, but my dad talked my mom into it, and off we went.  I don't remember that ride, but according to my dad it was one of the most scary haunted houses that even he had been in.  From what they told me I had a little fear of dark places and haunted houses from that day on.  As I grew older, they gradually tried to get me into one.  I do remember the "Haunted Mansion" at Disney World, the first time, when I walked through those front doors, and they closed, I went wild, and I mean wild.  They said I started clawing at the doors first then just running frantically around, like a chicken with it's head cut off.  They couldn't close the door back, but they took me through a back way to get out, while they rode the ride.  I still remember the tears walking through and some lady calming me down.  The second time I made it to the elevator but when I saw the caskets the same thing happened, I was out of there.  I think they made me ride, but I screamed the entire ride.  It was kind of embarrassing as I got older, and went to fairs or amusement parks with friends, I always would sit out the scary rides.  I couldn't even ride Snow White without freaking out.  Finally when I was about 16 I invited a girl to go to the Halloween Carnival with me.  When we got there she wanted to go in the haunted house.  My hair on my arms stood out,  would I freak out again?  I got my courage up,and told myself it wasn't real.  For the first time I enjoyed being scared.  I enjoyed holding tight to someone when someone jumped out.  I also enjoyed being in the dark.  It took sixteen years for me to cope with this fear.  This makes me think about other fears that people deal with.  My dad was a flight instructor.  I always loved to fly, but I've met so many people with a fear of flying.  The thought of being airborne fills them with anxiety.  I remember when I first strarted working with the company I'm with, we flew a lot, and there was a girl terrified of flying.  I remember coaching her and trying to help her.  I evengave her a rubberband to wear on her wrist and told her to snap it to break unpleasant thoughts.  Then I told her to put her trust in God.  Nothing I could think of that would work much better than that.  When we are afraid, it may help to breath heavy or pop rubber bands.  But trusting in God is the best way to cope with any fear.  Give me faith Lord!

Patrick's Saturday Six:Episode 78

Saturday Six    Episode 78

1. What's your favorite brand and flavor of ice cream when you go grocery shopping?  Blue Bell Rocky Road.Is there any of it in your freezer right now? Unfortunately not

2. When was the last time you ate a fresh fruit as a snack rather than something not "diet friendly?"  At lunch an apple

3. Take this quiz:  What language should you learn. Mine was French

4.  READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #72 from Cdmmw2:  If you could relive one moment of your life and watch it (like a movie) but not interfere, what would it be? Any day when I lived up in Clayton, Georgia.  A time when I had just enough me time, quiet time, just time. 
5. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #73 from Debbie:  What was something you were afraid of as a child? Haunted Houses Did you overcome the fear? Yes I love them now,  I was 17 when I went in my first haunted house and didn't go completely mad.  There's a story behind this one I will have to write about.

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #74 from Anna:   If someone were to open your refrigerator right now, what item would it embarrass you most for them to find? Teeth whitener

 

Dragonfly

The Dragonfly

Some of us worry about what may or may not lie beyond death. The word of God is clear but still we wonder. What if there is nothing? Let us not forget the natural orderliness of this world. The river becomes the ocean. The seed becomes the plant. The caterpillar becomes the butterfly. If we will but open our senses, there is an order being observed, purpose to be discovered and transformation to be experienced.

Professor, pastor and writer, Walter Dudley Cavert, expressed the idea with helpful insight.

In the bottom of an old pond lived some grubs who could not understand why none of their group came back after crawling up the stems of the lilies to the top of the water. They promised each other that the next one who was called to make the upward climb would return and tell what happened to him. Soon one of them felt the impulse to seek the surface; he rested himself on the top of a lily pad and went through a glorious transformation, which made him a dragonfly with beautiful wings. In vain he tried to keep his promise. Flying back and forth over the pond, he peered down on his friends below. Then he realized that even if they could see him they would not recognize such a radiant creature as one of their number.

The fact that we cannot see our family or friends or communicate with them after the transformation, which we call death, is no proof that they cease to exist.

Ours is a creative God, the maker of heaven and earth and all that lives on it. This God who is the giver of life most assuredly has a creative destiny for us beyond death. __________________
Sometimes when we are generous in small, barely detectable ways it can change someone else's life forever.  Margaret Cho

I was looking at our Monday photo challenge of Critter:  I used a picture of a squirrel, Squirrels have always been one of my favorite critters for as long as I can remember.  I remember loving them as a kid.  Watching them scurry up a tree and in holes.  I know they hibernate during the winter, and when it gets warm again in the spring them come out full force, from hole to hole and tree to tree.  The flying ones were my favorite, how they would jump from tree to tree.  Laying by a log in the woods growing up I just watched everything with fascination.  I spent much time in the woods from 1st grade too 3rd grade since we lived out on my Nana's farm.  Then sometime of year around May I think, my dad would start shooting squirrel's.  I'm not sure why, I remember asking him, and I think his answer was something like there are so many of them, that they start causing damage.  Not sure if it was the crops around us or what.  But he would shoot them and I hated it.  I would get so sad when I saw him with his gun.  I wasn't the best hunting partner for him either.  If I could, I'd chase the little animals away.  I'd be loud, I'd sent Spot our birddog in the wrong direction, that dog would go anywhere I pointed.  I got a couple of good whippons on those hunting expiditions.  Makes me think about what God is too me, He breaks up our comfortable nests now and then, but behind every difficult change lies His love and eternal purpose.  So how can I fear change so still if it's coming from such a wonderful place.  Maybe with this thought change will be easier for me.  Sometimes things seem harsh or unfair, until we view another view. This was a nice weekend.  I'm tired and ready for a good night's sleep.

D.C. Bound

Carrie is moving to D.C.  and Jennifer looks pretty happy she's moving up there to D.C. where she lives.  They both are such sweet women.  Sure will miss seeing Carrie's sweet smile and that great attitude she brings to church.

Linda and Susan Wedding

Mike and I really enjoyed being part of Linda and Susan's Union.  They are two beautiful women, that have been together now 25 years, after all these years the big day finally came yesterday Oct. 8th.  I looked at the two of them and felt such love between them.  The wedding was small but quite charming, lots of emotion,  These two women have made it through much diversity.  I felt priviledged  sharing in their joy.

Picture of Nana

Do you ever see a picture and memories start to flood back.  This is how I remember my Nana.  I posted this piccture of her in my mom's blog today, want to see what she writes when she see's it.  I stayed at my Mema's most weekend, but some weekends I would stay with my Nana.  I wish I could have known her as a man, there's so many questions I would ask her.  I love to hear stories about her.  I know she was truly happy before she died.  She had found love late in life, and married Stacey, he was a good man, and brought much joy to her life.  She was a very independent woman who could do anything that a man could do just about or better.  I miss her tonight.

Memories of Cades Cove

There's a loop road up in Cades cove in my favorite park you can bike or hike.  It's 11 miles total.  It's easy to lose track of time and get lost in the beauty of it all.  The first time I went there I did it by car, the second time by bike, and third time I hiked it.  The last time I went I visited some of the places I had remembered, revisited some of my feelings under and old tree I'd picniced under.  Putting a rock in my pocket so I could have something tangible to put with the memory.  I have this feeling in my heart that is really good when I was here.  There's a spring in my step and I pick up the pace.  By foot I see so much more than I did by car and bike.  It occurs to me that my walk through life is a lot like that walk there at Cade's Cove.  I've completed three scores and seven years how much further will this road take me.  This too puts a smile on my face.  I'm ready to take Mike up there, I know he would love it.  I'm not in a hurry to leave this life, I know our time is not in my hands.  I do feel the aches from time to time.  I can't run like I used to .  I got a little grace from Carol's journal today, http://journals.aol.com/eynl/HappeningsduringtheairIbreathe/entries/1394 she's back from vacation!  Yayy!  I was missing her and her vision she gives us.  A beautiful one at that.  She has the grace in her earthly walk.  Check out her vacation shots.  She visited Cades Cove too.  Thanks for a little bit of grace I felt today. 

I

I....

I'm going to do this and then tag more of you, so here goes:  Chris tagged me at http://journals.aol.com/jeroldssis/ItsAllAboutMeIthink/

 

*I AM: looking for myself

*I WANT: to find happiness like I look for a pair of matching socks

*I HAVE: faith and hope that God is working in my life

*I WISH: I would have spent more time with my Papa.

*I HATE: fear and the devil.

*I MISS: My grandparents.

*I FEAR: heartache

*I HEAR: a yawn from Mike laying on the couch.

*I WONDER: Why life has so many lessons?

*I LOVE: therefore I am

*I ALWAYS: think way to much 

*I AM NOT:  someone who gives up.

*I AM NOT ALWAYS: right but I think I am most of the time.

*I NEED: a quiet space for myself just to be with my thoughts

*I SHOULD: go give Mike a hug and tell him I love him.

Tuesday thoughts

When I was in high school and college, I worked every summer as a lifeguard at a waterpark with those huge waterslides, it was called "Crystal Lake".  There was a man that worked there named George he was an older man that always seemed to be working, he was the fix it man, and always carried an oil can, fixing gates, oiling chains.  His hands always reminded me of a mechanic.  Some of the girls called him a dirty old man.  But he did make sure the rides were safe and those who rode these rides could thank him for that.

Seems every day we encounter people whose lives creak with many problems.  In these cases we have two choices, either to aggravate their problems with criticism or try to oil their lives with a good spirit.

I think about all the people I know, family and friends, and people at work.  Some carry unbearable burdens and long for the oil of a sympathetic word.   Others are defeated and feel like giving up.  Just one drop of encouragement could restore their hope.  Still others are just mean.  I'm sorry Mike if I havn't been like the tinman and keeping you oiled.  Sometimes I get so caught up in the "what if's" that I forget about the now.  I wish for you new hope.

Critter: Monday Photo shoot

Your Monday Photo Shoot: Critters!

 

Early fall seems like a good time to capture these guys in pictures, because they're out and about storing up for the winter:

Your Monday Photo Shoot: Catch a critter in a picture! For the purposes of this photo shoot, a "critter" is a creature that is not a pet, so no dogs or cats, but mice, squirrels, pigeons, badgers, hedgehogs, wolverines, deer, dragons, sasquatch or any other sort of ambulatory thing is acceptable (as are bugs).

 

I remember my mom loved putting those little fake squirrels on the trees in the back yard, this real squirrel made me think of that.  I'm a little anxious tonight.  Mike lost his job on Friday, so keep him in your prayers.  Keep me in them too.  I'm feeling like an ill ass lately.

Saturday 6 Episode 77

Saturday Six - Episode 77

Okay...it's my first time at this and I'm joinin' in.  You think I'll pass up a chance to talk about myself?  Heck no!  Remember, like the journal name, It's All About Me!  So, here I go....

 

1. How many AOL J-landers have you actually met in person?  Five, four I met befre we started in Jland, my family.

2. How many photos that you have taken yourself are hanging on display in your home in a size of 8x10 or larger?  (The print, not the frame!)

Sadly none, what's wrong with me. Although I do have one bigger of some of my artwork.
3. How far do you live from your job?  What is your commute time like?  Has the distance prompted you to consider alternative transportation because of gas prices?

I live 10 miles away, commute is about 15 minutes in traffic
4. Take this quiz: http://www.ladyinterference.com/assorteds/quiz.html   What decade does your personality live in?  It says I still need to grow up, imagine that.

5. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #70 from Kris:  What is the funniest, most original Halloween costume you've ever seen?  I was a Hershey's kiss one year.  I've seen some wild ones that's for sure.  I'll have to post some one day.

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #71 from Courtenay: What is your favorite paragraph in a literary work?  Have to think about this one, my mindis blank.  I've had a day.  I've thought and thought, but the only quote that comes to my mind is from "The Diary of Anne Frank"

"Upon returning to the attic where he and his family were in hiding for over two years before they were caught, Otto Frank found Anne's diary. It chronicled her own thoughts, feelings, fears, and hopes of this two year period in hiding from the Nazis. As he read the diary, Otto Frank wept as her voice seemed to come alive once again, "In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart."

This was one of the first books I read that really touched me, the first book that made me cry.  And this one sentence helped me be the person I am.

 

Photo collage of Roneisha