Monday, July 19, 2004

I feel a long entry coming on

How often of the day are you being true to yourself?  Can you say yes, when you mean yes, and no when you mean no?  Why is Derek asking so many questions today.  Well I had a aweomse weekend.  My friend J came down from Atlanta Friday, and we had a wonderful time catching up, and talking about life, and having fun on the beach.  One of our conversations was about love, and he mentioned how confusing it was to him.  And he wondered if he really even knew what it was.  So the last couple of days I've been thinking about it.   A lot I guess.  Thinking of past loves, memories, mistakes, trying to be sure not to make the same mistakes again.   I don't write a whole lot about what I feel about love, but maybe it's time I share some of my viewpoints.  They may be a little diffrent, but maybe not so diffrent after all.  Seems like love is on everybodies mind these days, mine included.  Everyone has that need to connect.  Ok, I have met someone, it's just been recent, I really havn't dated or anything in the last year and a half, so this is all pretty new again to me.  But it feels good.  Scary at times but all in all it feels good.  Notice I said scary at times.  Seems fear is always the enemy no matter what subject we are talking about.  I think the pain we suffer in relationships are because of staying faithful to our fears and to a past that no longer serves us.  Our unwillingness to grow is the painful part.  I wrote that poem the other day to myself.  I want to get it right for a change.  We have choices, a choice between freedom and fear, drama and passion, lust and love.  A long time ago I thought everything was kind of left up to chance or fate.  I think Love is up to us.  Scary for me to even say the word sometimes, much less write about it.  When J shared his thoughts to me about love, I just told him, I think it's up to us, the love in our lives depends on how we perceive ourselves.  We need to be accepting of ourselves.  He then took a little bit of a defense and replies with how we have to protect ourselves, watch our backs.  I told him I understand him feeling that way, we've all been hurt.  There's so much to love to me.  One of the most overwhelming feeling to me about love is desire.  I don't want to let in blindsigh me, I've done this before in thepast.  This is not really a subject I talk about much, so changing the subject.  So why all the talk about love and relationships.  Guess I'm just happy and scared, and you know what it's ok to be.  I have met someone I'd love to get to know better.   I'm not going to run into it with my blinders on.  I'm happy to feel this way.  Just take it day by day, that's about all I can do.  Love is messy don't you think.  It's rarely what we think it should be, and we are rarely what we would like to be when we are in love.  On one hand we want love to be enough, yet on the other hand, we are rarely satisifed with the love we have, so fear and love battle it out.  For me I've become silent when i wanted so to connect,  I've jumped in fast when I knew I must slow down.  I've acted cool, when i really was hot.  I smiled on the outside, when I was angry on the inside.  I've put on an act, then worried I wouldn't be loved for whi I really was.  We reach out. We shut down, We cry, We run, We doubt.  But you know what we can't live without it.  I've gone with out love for a year and a half.  Now I'm happy to say, i'm sure not going to run from it.  Ok, do you think I've over analyzed what it's all about?  Be honest!

5 comments:

barbpinion said...

I don't think you over analyzed anything. When it comes to relationships too many people get hung up on the chemistry thing. Exciting as it is..it's important, I think, to take it a day at a time. The best part of meeting a new person, like the one you're interested in..is all the 'stuff' mixed in: Learning about one another's likes and dislikes, sharing our beliefs and favorite things, discovering the wonderful things that happen when God is in His right place and honesty as well. The best gift we can give people we care about, aside from sharing the Lord, is the gift of honesty. I'm not talking lies. I'm talking being truthful about what we're really feeling, what is really going on with us. No head games. I would love for this relationship to become special for you. You deserve the best. Don't settle less and don't ask for anything more than you're willing to give yourself. The most precioius relationships have *friendship* at the beginning. Sounds like you're off to a wonderful start. Hugs & God bless you. *Barb*

indigosunmoon said...

Derek,
I dont think you over analyzed anything.  I think you are just continuing
to grow within yourself.  Ya know, When I think back on all my past
relationships, and the mistakes I made, I have to be thankful.  Thankful
because all those things I did wrong,  made me the person I am today.
A person who is able to love freely, and completely.
Maybe this guy is Mr. Right...maybe he isnt.  But whatever happens, I
think your on the right track here.
Good luck, and may Goddess bless you!
-Connie

judithheartsong said...

I think you are a wise man. We are all the sum of our parts and we grow every day. We are so blessed to be alive and to have been given the chance to make a place for ourselves on this earth. I want all the best for you, my friend! :):) judi

eynl said...

I don't think one can over analyze if they didn't care. To express feelings is a way of getting through those feelings.
Carol

gbgoglo said...

I think you're right-on with what you express.  I hope you enjoy the adventure of getting to know each other and learning about one another.  This is the best part of the relationship.  Take your time and don't rush into anything too fast.  I feel beginnings are what determine the outcome... so here's to new beginnings for you, my friend...gloria