From my earlier entry, you can probably tell this has been a trying day for me. It has! I've tried figuring it all out. I'm trying hard to walk away from the false self. Can I just say I'm feeling very vulnerable and exposed. I still feel tempted to turn to my comforters for relief, those places I've found solace and rest. I think I've tried so hard for so long to validate myself by trying to get my answers from someone else. I know I've got to look deep inside for all my answers. I don't want to go elsewhere to find my strenth, I want to be the one to offer it. I read Judith Heartsong's entry tonight http://journals.aol.com/judithheartsong/newbeginning/entries/778 The Cave, I felt myself asking How do I feel about my wounded and broken places, how am I handling them these days. I think I'm quite harsh with the broken places. I feel the little boy inside, at times I despise that about myself, and other times I feel strength in it. I tell myself grow up! I used to think I deserved the bad things that happened. I even sometimes thought maybe God meant for it to happen to me. But I know now He was furious about what happened to me. He never wanted me to hurt or suffer. I also think of my little niece and nephew and how I would feel if the wounds I was given, the blows I received were dealt to them. Would I shame them for it like I was shamed. The answer is NO! I'd feel compassion just like I know God felt or feels for us.
It's no shame that I need healing and it's no shame to look to another for strength, and it's no shame that I feel young and afraid inside at times. It's not my fault!
Whew a lot off my chest!