Friday, July 2, 2004

The Road to Me

From my earlier entry, you can probably tell this has been a trying day for me.  It has!  I've tried figuring it all out.  I'm trying hard to walk away from the false self.  Can I just say I'm feeling very vulnerable and exposed.  I still feel tempted to turn to my comforters for relief, those places I've found solace and rest.  I think I've tried so hard for so long to validate myself by trying to get my answers from someone else.  I know I've got to look deep inside for all my answers.  I don't want to go elsewhere to find my strenth, I want to be the one to offer it.  I read Judith Heartsong's entry tonight  http://journals.aol.com/judithheartsong/newbeginning/entries/778 The Cave, I felt myself asking How do I feel about my wounded and broken places, how am I handling them these days.  I think I'm quite harsh with the broken places.  I feel the little boy inside, at times I despise that about myself, and other times I feel strength in it.  I tell myself grow up!  I used to think I deserved the bad things that happened.  I even sometimes thought maybe God meant for it to happen to me.  But I know now He was furious about what happened to me.  He never wanted me to hurt or suffer.  I also think of my little niece and nephew and how I would feel if the wounds I was given, the blows I received were dealt to them.  Would I shame them for it like I was shamed.  The answer is NO!  I'd feel compassion just like I know God felt or feels for us.

It's no shame that I need healing and it's no shame to look to another for strength, and it's no shame that I feel young and afraid inside at times.  It's not my fault!

Whew a lot off my chest!

6 comments:

judithheartsong said...

Derek, what a powerful and moving entry. I just got in the door from a concert and read what you had to say, thank you for sharing with me. I am glad you are a feeling human being and wouldn't want you any other way. Nothing is your fault..... you should have been protected and cherished as a child. Period. We will talk more, I admire your strength and courage immensely my friend. With great love, judi

alphawoman1 said...

It is not weakness to need others.  Its folly to not realize how much we do need others in our lives. And, I do not care who you are, or what you do, how much money you have, or where you come from...we all need healing.

jojolona said...

Sometimes we think we need the acceptance of others in those moments that we most need to accept ourselves.  We all struggle with self-doubt and feeling like we can never measure up to what we had hoped for in life.  Love yourself always, for only then can you truely love another.

indigosunmoon said...

No shame Derek.  No shame at all my friend.
-Connie

gbgoglo said...

Good for you, D!  None of it is fault... it's life happening in all forms...we are just pawns in this game of life.  Thank God for choices and for His divine interventions... Hugs...gloria

gbgoglo said...

Forgot to tellyou...love this view!