Sunday, November 18, 2007

The last two weeks

I woke up cold this morning, the temperature has dropped .  It’s really quite nice and I love it.  I went to see my friends Mark and Jeff last night.   These two have been together for about 20 years.   Of all my gay friends that I’ve known, they are the only two that have been together the whole time I’ve known them.   I met Mark back when I first moved to Jacksonville, and met Jeff on my birthday later that same year.   They were close friends with my ex David and I.   It was great reconnecting with them.   Mark cooked an awesome meatloaf, coleslaw, mashed potatoes gravy, and cornbread.   My want for country cooking was definitely met.    We sat around and talked about old times and caught up.   Laughed a bunch, which I needed.   I’ve been doing laundry today, got the oil change, and grocery shopped.   We’re having our chuch thanksgiving dinner over at Dan and Brent’s tonight, am looking forward to that.   I’m cooking my mama’s brocolli casserole.  Man I’m going to have to watch what I eat, I’ve been chowing down lately.  It’s quiet and all I can hear is the sound of the wind, hitting the windows.   I remember once I made an entry about a comment that I had heard from someone That you are born into this world alone, and you die alone.  When this comment was made to me years ago.  I argued it, I tried rationalizing it.  But it does have some validity to me now.   I think the way it hit me at the time, was that the person saying it to me, was wanting to end our relationship, they wanted to be alone.  But now I can look back on it and it can mean other things.  Alone.  That word alone brings many reactions and thoughts.  I think the person talking about this word had truly experienced it in ways that maybe I hadn’t.  I was only truly alone for the two and a half years before I met Mike.  But in that time I had something that I’d never really felt before.  I had experienced it.  I wrote from that feeling at the time.  It was me and I was ok with it for the first time.  Does one choose solitude, it must be for a purpose other than just self seeking search for identity.   Going back over my writings during that time, that was what I wrote about mostly.  But I still seem to write a lot about that.   How do you find your identiy?  My answer is through work and through my love for friends and my family, and the UCC church I’ve become involved with.  In these things I find myself giving more rather than getting, and for the first time in my life that is actually ok.  O.K. not easy.  It seems to require a lot of discipline and as I’ve said it’s quite challenging, especially if you havn’t been the most giving in the past.  Maybe my alone time has actually really been good for me.  Maybe I’m finding something I never realized.  Although I do find myself looking for ways to not be alone, human relations are often painful, sometimes feeling like collisions, but through them we grow.  How do we grow otherwise?  But in my head I still think that the times I get things straightened out are my alone times, like right now when I’m alone and all is quiet.  I had thought once if I was alone there would be nothing to straighten out, but I was wrong. My answer for this morning to myself, is to do whatever we feel deeply, life has a way of teaching us.  My whole argument with the comment made to me so long ago now is.  We only have what we are, and only we alone have what we give.  That is we only have what we are.  We give what or all that is in us.  It almost feels like I’m agreeing with that comment more the older I get, just in different ways than I did years ago.  Sometimes I feel so close to answers when I’m alone.     Also my friend Wylie from college came last week.  We used to sing together in Show Choir, it was wonderful seeing him as well and catching up.

2 comments:

cubbycub said...

What a cute couple they are.  Dinner sounded wonderful and awesome..send me a doggie bag next time pleaseeeeeee....Alone time can be an awesome discovery period and a very lonely period, but with friend's and family u prosper.

eynl said...

Life always teaches us, experiences molds us, and love fills us.  You don't have to be by yourself to be alone. Sometimes its needed, other times we'll do anything to avoid it.  
Enjoyed your entry.
Carol