Saturday, January 14, 2006
I woke up cold this morning, the temperature has dropped . Mike came and got in the bed at 8:00 am, I must have been snoring again. I'm up and have laundry going, and am looking down at pretty Abby's little black face. It's quiet and all I can hear is the sound of the wind. I remember once in the past year and a half I made the comment that I had heard from someone That you are born into this world alone, and you die alone. When this comment was made to me years ago. I argued it, I tried rationalizing it. But it does have some validity to me now. I think the way it hit me at the time, was that the person saying it to me, was wanting to end our relationship, they wanted to be alone. But now I can look back on it and it can mean other things. Alone. That word alone brings many reactions and thoughts. I think the person talking about this word had truly experienced it in ways that maybe I hadn't. I was only truly alone for the two and a half years before I met Mike. But in that time I had something that I'd never really felt before. I had experienced it. I wrote from that feeling at the time. It was me and I was ok with it for the first time. Does one choose solitude, it must be for a purpose other than just self seeking search for identity. Going back over my writings during that time, that was what I wrote about mostly. But I still seem to write a lot about that. How do you find your identiy? My answer is through work and through my love for Mike and my family, and the UCC church we've become involved with. In these things I find myself giving more rather than getting, and for the first time in my life that is actually ok. O.K. not easy. It seems to require a lot of discipline and as I've said it's quite challenging, especially if you havn't been the most giving in the past. Maybe my alone time was actually really good for me. Maybe I found something I never realized. Human relations are often painful, sometimes feeling like collisions, but through them we grow. How do we grow otherwise? But in my head I still think that the times I get things straightened out are my alone times, like right now when I'm alone and Mike sleeps. Then a little voice in my head says well there would be nothing to straighten out if you had no relationship and was alone. "Thank you," I say to the little voice. See what happens when I'm alone. Don't call them to come get me in the little white straight jackets please! My answer for this morning to myself, is to do whatever we feel deeply, life has a way of teaching us. My whole argument with the comment made to me so long ago now is. We only have what we are, and only we alone have what we give. That is we only have what we are. We give what or all that is in us. It almost feels like I'm agreeing with that comment more the older I get, just in different ways than I did years ago. Sometimes I feel so close to answers when I'm alone. I feel I can share myself better with Mike after these moments. Now I need to go back and read everything I've written so no one think's I'm completely crazy. Swiburn's rubbing off on me. Chris over at http://inanethoughtsandinsaneramblings.blogspot.com/ is rubbing off on me. This felt like insane thoughts and insane ramblings. But not really.