Monday, September 20, 2004

Imposter

The wind blows strong at the beach tonight, I'm sitting here a little meloncholy thinking of the weekend.  It was a beautiful weekend.  Mike and Abby spent the weekend here with me at the beach.  I cooked a candlelight dinner, my first candlelight dinner in many years.  It was a wonderful feeling, just being excited about it, and having someone to cook for.  I cooked italian, so by the time he got here I had a little of a wine buzz.  The weekend flew by as all my weekends seem to do now.  I'm back on getting back in shape.  Working out and such.  It's been a while since I hit the gym, but just started back.  Hope to see the results in a few months.  And maybe say goodbye to some unwanted inches in the mid section.  Tonight my mind wanders.  Goes back to a time long ago.  Yes, I have a therapy visit coming up Thursday.  Years ago I created an imposter so to speak.   From the place of our woundednesss we construct a false self.  We may even find a few gifts that work for us and we may try to live off them.  I'm not sure how old I was but I was young, during that time an imposter was born.  The imposter within whispered "Derek, don't ever be your real self anymore because noone will like you as you are."  Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know!"  What was I thinking?  It's not easy growing up and having the feeling I had as a teenager,  I havn't talked much about this subject.  Growing up gay!  I tried to be anything other than who I was.  I was good at it too.  I was the actor in the plays, and pretty darn good at it, all the way through college.   Tonight I'm asking myself how much of that imposter is still alive today.  Not as much as then, but still there.  I'm still very hard on myself, always have been.  Not quite sure why?  What do I think about my plan then now.  I may have had all the greatest of intentions, it shielded me from pain, I thought, secured me a little love and admiration, but the false self is a lie, it's built on pretense.   A trap I walked right into without looking both ways.  I'm glad God has taken me out of that place.  A picture of me flashes,  one of me in a mirror with the mirror shattered.  A shattering of the false self.  Now I think about what hasn't been going well in my life, and how does that threaten me.  My mind is starting to race, maybe I just need to go listen to the wind and take a time out.  I think I'm still letting pieces of that ole imposter go.

2 comments:

barbpinion said...

Do that, Derek. Take time out and listen to the wind. You'll be surprised at what you hear. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the pain in my present circumstance and forget to listen. I pay for it when I don't. Life is full of challenges, dear one. We have to get ourselves spiritualy strong on the inside in order to cope with what confronts us on the outside. The answers, as the songs says, are written in the wind. We hear the Master's voice the best when we're not asking, but silent and listening to what he says to our hearts. Hugs, my friend. *Barb*

indigosunmoon said...

I see you growing stronger within yourself
with each entry Derek.
I'm so happy you have someone in your life
now who loves the real you.  
-Connie