Friday, July 15, 2005


Be noble minded!  Our own heart, and not other men’s opinions of us, forms our true honor.  –Johann Christoph Friedrich Von Schiller


As the rain continues to pour.  I’m sitting here thinking.  I once was a chameleon.   Like so many people, I developed the thoughts growing up that my feelings, ideas, and opinions were unimportant.  Very seldom do I remember being asked my opinion on things.  I rarely expressed my views, even when I felt strongly about something.   The only place my feelings came out were in my journals.  I mostly tried to blend in and hide my feelings of insignificance.  Mostly my opinions and actions were to what others said and did.

I’m getting better as an adult but sometimes find myself conforming to what I think others want.   Sometimes I behave as I think someone would want me too.  I’m much better now than I was at expressing my feelings.  Many times I write it down and finally just get it out.  I know I wanted to be liked by everyone.  I think at times I became what everyone wanted.  Everyone except myself.  One of my main challenges has been to develop as an individual in my own right.  I’ve had to discover who I really am, and what I really believe and feel- regardless of the influences of others.   I think back on the past.   How I tried to be a outgoing person when I was really feeling quiet, or quiet when I was outgoing.  Confusing huh.  Another challenge has been to develop the kind of self worth that makes it possible not only to express my true beliefs and opinions, but to stand behind them as well.   Easier said than done. 


No more blending in. 


farmin2getherjnj said...

  I just linked to your Journal from the Faces of Aol-Journal Land.  I read your beginning entry about yourself.  And I just want to comment on what you said about being gay and finding love.   There is no reason and I mean none,  that a person whom is straight or gay, cannot find love,  nor should not have the feelings of wanting to find it or be in love.  Everyone deserves love,  no matter what their creed, religion or lifestyle is.  And you believe in your own beliefs too !  If we all felt, and believed and were like robots of the same tuning, then we wouldn't have such unquie people in this world.  You seem like a totally awesome person.  I have a brother and a nephew that are gay.  There's nothing wrong with any of you.  And it makes you no different,  just your preference of whom you choose to love,  that's all.  Your still human !  Anyways,  I really enjoyed reading your journal tonight.  I will also check out your photo of the day,  as I am a camera bug myself !  Anyways,  my name is Judy.  I also have a journal,  it is mostly about my life, struggling with the challenges of invisible disabilities and my thoughts & opinions and my struggle of marital woes. !  Stop by sometime !  It is called;  The Daily Grill and my screen-name is farmin2getherjnj !  Take care and blessings of love !     Judy

mumma4evr said...

sometimes it just seems so much easier to try to blen in...but then we can lose who we are

eynl said...

Very similiar.  Sounds as if I could have wrote this entry.  

csandhollow said...

Confusing? NO. I could have wrote this myself. People think I am outgoing but I struggle inside. Others think I am snob because I do not socialize with them. In all truth , moist times I would rather be in a hole somewhere.

onestrangecat said...

you sound like a lot of us.

cubbycub said...

WOW!!!  Sounds alot like all of us...BUt you have done a courageous thing..YOU admitted it and that is the biggest battle.  POWER my Friend.

judithheartsong said...

good for you. judi