Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Doug

I've once kept my feelings inside, only letting them out on paper in my journals.  No one knew all this stuff I was holding inside, not even myself, I kept many of my feelings even hidden deep inside.  There may have been a smile on the outside but there wasn't always one on the inside.  So I'm writing tonight about my feelings again.  It seems I'm dealing with something I havn't experieced much of.  Losing people.  I've experienced loss of my grandparents, that was the only loss I've really experienced through death.  But know it seems people that were once great friends have died.  I found out my friend Doug, died this weekend.  Another friend I had lost not through death, but was not in my life as he once was.  We grew in diffrent directions, he moved to Atlanta, went in a diffrent direction.  Regardless we wanted the best for each other as friends but just lost contact after time.  I found out he had pancreatitis and had waited too long to go to the hospital to get it checked out, the infection was really bad and he slipped into a coma, his father came and Doug had a living will not to resucitate if he ever fell into a coma.  So without even waiting a week they unplugged him.  And he's gone, in a better place.  I know that in my heart, but I feel a little angry.  I probably don't know all the story, maybe he was too long gone.  I wouldn't know because I wasn't in his life.  Other people were.  To sooth my anger I have to thing of good things, how he made me smile.  How he made me laugh.  His nickname was "Kitten".   You couldn't help but laugh calling him that.  He loved to have fun.  There's a lot of things I'm wondering.  There was a time about six years ago that we were close friends, so close that I was contemplating moving to Atlanta, to live with him till I got on my feet.  I feel some anger towards him, I'm not sure why, maybe because I know how much he drank, and how much he partied.  I was headed down that party road myself.  But something bigger than me stepped in and made me stay here.  I'm glad!  I'm not sure I'm making a lot of sense.  Guess I need to sit with my feeling a little more.  I don't want to make sound like Doug was a bad guy, he wasn't he was wonderful.  He'd give you the shirt off his back.  He loved to cook and be happy and be loved and too love.  I think I'm just mad that he's not here anymore.  That's how I feel and I guess that's ok.  I'll try later to reflect more on him.  I think I just need to get through this feeling.  I found out Saturday, I went out and thought a lot about when we were friends and all the fun we had.  I was sad late that night and couldnt' sleep, and wrote emails to people telling them how much I loved them.  This was a picture of us in Savannah, one of our favorite places to go.  And the other one is one of my favorite ones I took of him.

Preview

12 comments:

mosie1944 said...

It is hard to lose a loved one, in any way.  It's good for you to bare your soul and express yourself.  

joolsinwa said...

A lovely tribute, you are full of emotion, so many  pulling different ways, it will sort itself out  in time,you had him for a  season  and  the memories will sustain you. Maybe memories of you sustained him  while he was sick. Find peace in that.
~ Julie~ http://journals.aol.com/joolsinwa/randommusingsofmymind

ksquester said...

GEt it all out.....losing people is so hard....for us. My thoughts are with you tonight. Anne

mumma4evr said...

hugs....and I am soo sorry!
Becky

gbgoglo said...

I am sorry for your loss, Derek.  I share your pain and your loss.  The pictures are great, as usual.    Hugs and much love, gloria

cubbycub said...

It is hard to lose someone and if you kep the feelings bottled up its not good for your own emotional state..let it out,cry it out,release the joy and the anger for it makes us all human.

toonguykc said...

That was a great tribute, buddy.  It's hard to grow older and grow apart from people we loved so much as young folk.  I'm sending you some good vibes and an e-hug at this moment.    Russ

deabvt said...

I`m sorry for your loss, Derek.
V

deabvt said...

I`m sorry for your loss, Derek.
V

gabreaelinfo said...

A wonderful tribute. My post today was just about this sort of blogging.

Take Care,
Gabreael

judithheartsong said...

God bless Doug...... I am so sorry my friend. judi

eynl said...

I am sorry for your loss Derek.
Carol