Monday, May 9, 2005

It may be a bumpy ride

Today I feel my heart beating, that is a good thing, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed with so many feelings.  I keep my mind full and I read many different journals, and keep as much in, but how does it come out afterwards.  Lately I’ve been hearing how hard life is, and sometimes those words, even if I don’t say it outloud, I may be thinking it.  Well all I really know is it just is.  If I don’t say it outload, I might as well write about it.  Life is a bumpy road.  Not sure if any of you have ever read any of Charles Williams, but he wrote “The world is painful in any case; but it is quite unbearable if anybody gives us the idea that we are meant to be liking it.  I think about my path, the one I’ve taken, the one I’ve been lead on since I was born.  Sometimes I feel fear because of what I’m perceiving as my good, which seems to cause me to believe I’ve missed a turn somewhere and taken the wrong dirt road, that sure is bumpy.  I can only go by what I was taught,  if I’m on the right track, then I will have a life free of trouble.  I take that back, I never was taught that, life has always been a little hard.  I guess I mean I need to quit thinking that because life is hard sometimes, that I’m doing something wrong.  All I know is I always have this feeling inside that tells me everything will be ok.  That feeling or voice, whatever you want to call it, helps me survive.  My therapist Mrs. Frazier and I discussed once that when we come to the end of our dark places, we will understand that every circumstance has been allowed for our ultimate good.  We were born with a name, with a  path, I hope I have not strayed to far from the path.  I ask for guidance and pray that I’m still on the path that I was to be on all along.  Getting this out makes me feel lots of things.  Somewhat happy, somewhat sad, somewhat scared.  There is a prayer, I can’t remember it, but it goes something like if there are dark places that are a lot to be good, please lord help and teach me to endure, the sorrow, pain, or solitude that makes the spirit pure.  I wish I could remember where that came from or how close it is to what the real words were.  I found it, I did a yahoo search and found it,  I was close to what the quote was, but it was made by Irons. 

1 comment:

gbgoglo said...

Wonderful entry.  Yes, life is painful, bumpy, hard, and quite burdensome in spots.  But there's always the flip side for having made it.  Love u, Derek!  gloria