Monday, May 9, 2005

still thinking

I was thinking back on a time when I was feeling deep dark sorrow, and hurting times.  Then someone would come along and tell me that something good can emerge from it all.  I mean a well meaning person who was trying to encourage me to trust.  I think back on the that time, and instead of being grateful, I felt offended.  I wish I could go back and change many things, but looking back that’s honestly how I felt.  I remember when I first started going into therapy.  And my therapist telling me this was going to be work.  Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was thinking, I’ll do the work, but the further I get the easier it will get.  That’s not necessarily true, I have found out.  I mean some things are easier.  But things don’t just get easier.  I try not to get discouraged.  There are times when I feel like hurts and fears are going to make me close my eyes and go back into that shell I was once in.  But like I was trying to express earlier, that feeling doesn’t go away, that feeling that everything will be ok.  Something keeps me going.  Maybe it’s His compassion, His loving care, we can begin to hear again even as the hurt continues to heal. 


deabvt said...

.....  I mean some things are easier.  But things don’t just get easier.
Beautifully written.

eynl said...

I am touched by this entry.  You write with such heart.

gbgoglo said...

This is so profound, Derek.  I know that feeling..."something keeps me going"
even when I don't want to.  Hugs, gloria