Thursday, September 15, 2005

Bad Dream

Last night I awoke from a bad dream about 2:30, I dreamed that someone was hurt by a rock, I'm not sure who did it,I'm not sure if they were dead or just hurt, but just that they were hurt.  I don't even know who it was, anyway, I'm at my Papa's, and out the door walks my Papa, at first I'm so happy to see him, because it's been so long since I've seen him, and I loved him so much.  But he walks up to me and has this look that I never saw on his face when he came to me, it was of dissappointment.  Then he holds up the rock.   I woke up very upset, because disappointment from my Papa would be the biggest hurt I can imagine, so I'm trying to figure out where it came from.   I corrected my last entry, it sounded like I was saying I hated Pat Robertson, and of course I got some emails saying my two entries conflicted, so I corrected it again.  I was actually quoting Russ from the entry he had put in my journal to tell me it was a hoax.  Back to the dream.  I even found myself in some pain today, my upper left side of my back, sharp stabbing pain.  I woke up and tried to figure it out, but no luck, so I've given up maybe I'll figure it out later.  Maybe he was saying to me in my dream, no sticks or stones.  I don't know.  I kept thinking did I do something bad?  Did I sin.  If Papa was holding up the stone, I must have done something wrong.   Forgive me of my sins!  I can' think of just one thing.  But if there is something, I sure am sorry.  I hope I dream of Papa tonight and he's smiling.  I don't like being left with my last memory of my Papa being disappointed.  I sure miss him, and I remember his last words to me before he died.  I had come home to spend time with him when he was really sick, he had prostrate cancer.  I walked in the door, and my Mema started fussing at me that I hadn't been home in a while.  My papa hadn't talked much that week, and she started telling me that I really upset my Papa that I hadn't been home.  He looked at her and said, don't tell him that, I'm not upset at him, I love him, I remember the day that he was born, I've loved him from that day, and I love him right now.  Then he said I'm not upset at you, I love you. That was the last thing he said to me where he knew who I was the rest of the weekend.  I fed him and sat with him and sang to him, and heldhis hand, and told him how much I loved him.  I didn't really feel like he knew it was me though.  Maybe he did.  I've felt guilty that I didn't spend more time with him towards the end.  I think I fooled myself, I knew he was sick, but I wouldn't let myself really see it. I love you Papa, and even if I don't dream of your smile tonight I will think of that look you gave me the last time you told me you loved me.

7 comments:

nightmaremom said...

HUGS!!
Sent my comment via mail :)
d

redpoppy007 said...

maybe it is a kidney stone? U are surrounded by his love. that is a good thing.
sleep well friend.

joolsinwa said...

aawww it's ok, have better dreams tonght sweety.
;-)
~Julie

gabreaelinfo said...

Perhaps you should start a dream journal. It really helps. Perhaps your looking at the dream wrong. To me a rock means your foundation, which being it was your  Papa would make sense. If it's a really important dream pray about it and ask that it will be revealed to you.

Take Care,

Gabreael

http://journals.aol.com/gabreaelinfo/GabreaelsBodyMindSpiritJournal/

toonguykc said...

Don't read too much into dreams unless you get them repeatedly.  I've been on a whole range of mental meds and they always give me disturbing night movies.  I personally believe that dreams are the brain's way of clearing out the needless stuff from our personal hard drive.  You know?  Like when you purge the needless files from your computer?

I love you, Donna!!

Russ

illini1991 said...

Let go of that guilt, Derek! You know how you left it with your father. Don't let your dreams sway you away from what you two had!

Steve

rivercitygirl1 said...

Hi Derek. ::Hug::
I like the idea of keeping a dream journal.  It might help.  I hope you dream of your Papa's sweet smile from now on.
Tami