Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Last answer and they are doozies

Paul-John          1. At what age did you realize that you were gay? I don't remember a specific age, I've always known I was attracted to men.  But it was more than that.  So I would say I realized it or admitted to it when  I came out, which is your second question.
2. What is your coming out story? (it's one thing we all have in common and I love to hear others about their story. from what I can tell you have never mentioned it in your journal)
I guess first love is supposed to be the sweetest, and it was sweet.  It was my second quarter in college.    I was a psychology major, and took lots of psych classes to begin with, there was another guy that always sat next to me in my classes.  I was always drawing women, mostly nude women.  But there was something about him.  Something familiar.  I was also an actor and had tried out for the play "Hold Me",by  Jules Pfeiffer.  He was a stage director and did set design.  I remember the first time he asked could he sit at my study table at the student center.  I was all nervous.  At the time my ex girlfriend was also sitting with me.  The three of us became friends.   A friendship grew, then one night after a day of swimming with friends at their pool, we went to the pub afterwards, local college hangout, we ended up going back to his dorm room, and I stayed because I had been drinking.  Flash ahead to the next morning.  Driving to lunch, he said "about last night".  We talked about it,  we became closer, became roomates, fell in love.  He had dyslexia, and we took all our classes together, I would read our lessons to him, and he would just comprehend, it would make me so mad that I had to read and reread for myself to get it, and he would get it from me reading it to him just once.  All of our friends noticed us becoming closer and even commented that we acted like a couple.  I wasn't ready to be public with everything, to family or friends.  Allien was and he wrote his paper in college about it, and made an A, but in the process outed us.  His sister who had a key to our place came in and found the paper and read it, and told his parents.  They weren't happy to say the least or accepting, but our friends were.   My coming out to my family  was a little diffrent.  I was at my cousin's wedding, and drank quite a bit the night before, anyway coming to bed late I came in my mom's room and wanted some attention I guess.  Wanted mama's love.   She said what are you doing, I said you don't love me, and she said yes I do, there's nothing you could do that would make me not love you.  I said really, even if I killed someone, she said even if you killed someone.  Even If I was gay?  She said even if you were gay.  "Well, mom, I'm gay!"  She said, Derek if you don't know by now whatever makes you happy, makes me happy, then you don't know me very well.  Then I think I cried some.  I don't really remember, like I said I drank a good bit, the next day my mom cried during the wedding, and I knew she was crying because she wasn't going to be seeing a wedding like this with me.  My whole family have been very supportive. 
3. How do you merge and/or mend your beliefs with your religion with societys & religions view on homosexuality?I find this to be the hardest question of all and could probably do an entry on this one all by itself.  I will leave it to something Jesus said "Love one another"   I grew up in a Christian family, but I will admit, being gay and being a christian was hard growing up.  It was conflicting and hard, and if you read my teenage diaries there was a lot of confusion and depression.  But I've always had a faith in Jesus, no matter what anyway judged me of, it's me who lives this life, I know the diffrence from right and wrong for me, and that is all that matters.  I live the best life I can and strive to live a life based on love.  I can only be me.  This is me, and the God that loves me made me.  I strive to be true with me.
I am made in His image and, as an old black lady named Moms Mabry used to say, God don't make no messes!  I still feel I have more to say so may make another entry on this subject.  Thanks for making me think Paul-John.    


mosie1944 said...

Oh, this is the sort of entry I love to read, because I learn something here.  I had to e-mail toonguy some time ago and ask him these questions, and bless his heart, he answered.  Thank you for being open and honest.

joolsinwa said...

God loves you , you know that , you love him, and  that's all that matters.
you make me cry ever time.

cubbycub said...

Awesome questions and answers guy..very thought provoking.

chrisuab said...

Great answers!  I loved what your mom said to you.  My mom had the same reaction.  It's also nice to see another fellow gay christian.

onemoretina said...

" LOVE ONE ANOTHER " ..... that is the bottom line for me, too, Derek.  And if we all truly followed those words, we would come to understand, and to accept,  each other.  Thanks for the reminder.  Tina

justaname4me2 said...

Wow, those were doozies of questions. But very informative and I thank you for being so honest with us. It's always a treat to understand or know the background of a person.

rivercitygirl1 said...

Wow, what a great and powerful entry Derek.  I love your openness and honesty.  It's very refreshing.  I have tears in my eyes from reading the conversation between you and your mom.

gbgoglo said...

Great entry, Derek!  Love the way your mama loves you.  Hugs and blessings, gloria