Years ago I had a friend that would say that's deep, to much I would say, or that I'm overthinking thing. Well today I'm deep, I'm thinking about too much, is it because we're slow at work, probably, i've been thinking about self image and the way I see myself, which seems to be diffrent from day to day, about change and maturity and relationships. Many diffrent things, but I'm mainly trying to really zoom into what I'm feeling today. I'm grateful for the day and my feelings. They aren't of happiness or even gloom and doom. I think mainly I'm thinking off how things change,how I react or have reacted to diffrent situations in the past and how they differ. Maybe all those years of those Psychology classes warped me. :) I think about at one time when everything seemed to be going wrong and my emotions got crazy, I would disassociate, I would find distractions, mainly so I wouldn't have to face them. Then a few years ago after a hard break up I convinced myself that being around other people is the last thing in the world I need. I felt vulnerable and fragile. I guess I needed to be alone in order to solve my problems. I told myself no one would understand anyway. I isolated myself for almost two years and turned my back on almost all fellowship except my family. Then I got more confused. I lost touch many ways with the spiritual self that I had known. I found someone that was very much in the same place. Someone that didn't enjoy being around people and stayed to themselves. This happy people person, (me) became a hermit in a shell. And I did it all to myself. Now I look back on that time,and still know maybe it was something that I needed at that time. Maybe I needed to feel that loneliness that I never had really felt, or had felt. Sometimes I guess we have to suffer to the end of the line so to speak before we finally ask for help. I'm not like that now so much, I share my problems with Mike, my feelings. I still don't pick up the phone as much as I almost always receive what I need from my friends and family. You just have to reach. Wisdom, support, and love. After looking back I am still thankful for what I learned. What is that your asking? I think isolation compounds your problems, fellowship and friendship and someone to talk to helps alleviate some of those problems. Now I feel better, guess I'm just looking back again. Still much in the head, maybe I just need food. It feels funny with Mike leaving for work before me,and getting home after me. Strange. He's alwasy left after me, and been home to greet me every day. Guess some roles are changing. Change, change, change. I say in my head I try to embrace it. Sometimes I can, sometimes it's harder than other times.
Today is not yesterday. We ourselves change. How then, can our works and thoughts, if they are always to be the fittest, continue always the same? Change, indeed, is painful, yet ever needful: and if memory has it's ofrce and worth, so also has hope---Thomas Carlyle
Change is something I think I write about often. Maybe because there are so many things I want to change about myself to make myself better. In who's eyes? Mine? God? Guess I'm talking about inner change. See I told you I was still thinking, maybe I need to give my brain a rest. :)