Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Watch out I'm feeling deep

Years ago I had a friend that would say that's deep, to much I would say, or that I'm overthinking thing.  Well today I'm deep, I'm thinking about too much, is it because we're slow at work, probably, i've been thinking about self image and the way I see myself,  which seems to be diffrent from day to day, about change and maturity and relationships.  Many diffrent things, but I'm mainly trying to really zoom into what I'm feeling today.  I'm grateful for the day and my feelings.  They aren't of happiness or even gloom and doom.  I think mainly I'm thinking off how things change,how I react or have reacted to diffrent situations in the past and how they differ.  Maybe all those years of those Psychology classes warped me. :)  I think about at one time when everything seemed to be going wrong and my emotions got crazy, I would disassociate,  I would find distractions, mainly so I wouldn't have to face them.  Then a few years ago after a hard break up I convinced myself that being around other people is the last thing in the world I need.  I felt vulnerable and fragile.  I guess I needed to be alone in order to solve my problems.  I told myself no one would understand anyway.  I isolated myself for almost two years and turned my back on almost all fellowship except my family.  Then I got more confused.  I lost touch many ways with the spiritual self that I had known.  I found someone that was very much in the same place.  Someone that didn't enjoy being around people and stayed to themselves.  This happy people person, (me) became a hermit in a shell.  And I did it all to myself.  Now I look back on that time,and still know maybe it was something that I needed at that time.  Maybe I needed to feel that loneliness that I never had really felt, or had felt.  Sometimes I guess we have to suffer to the end of the line so to speak before we finally ask for help.  I'm not like that now so much, I share my problems with Mike, my feelings. I still don't pick up the phone as much as I almost always receive what I need from my friends and family.  You just have to reach.  Wisdom, support, and love.    After looking back I am still thankful for what I learned.  What is that your asking?  I think isolation compounds your problems, fellowship and friendship and someone to talk to helps alleviate some of those problems.  Now I feel better, guess I'm just looking back again.  Still much in the head, maybe I just need food.   It feels funny with Mike leaving for work before me,and getting home after me. Strange.  He's alwasy left after me, and been home to greet me every day.  Guess some roles are changing.  Change, change, change.  I say in my head I try to embrace it.  Sometimes I can, sometimes it's harder than other times. 

Today is not yesterday.  We ourselves change.  How then, can our works and thoughts, if they are always to be the fittest, continue always the same?  Change, indeed, is painful, yet ever needful: and if memory has it's  ofrce and worth, so also has hope---Thomas Carlyle

Change is something I think I write about often.  Maybe because there are so many things I want to change about myself to make myself better.  In who's eyes?  Mine? God?  Guess I'm talking about inner change.  See I told you I was still thinking, maybe I need to give my brain a rest. :)

10 comments:

indigosunmoon said...

I'm going through a period of change
myself too Derek.  And I'm just like
you...I wayyyyy overthink things!
Love ya,
Connie

nightmaremom said...

Hmmmm that sounds so familiar.  I guess we've all been to that place and we need to work it out of our system in our own way.  I, personally, have learned that I needed to have someone help me peel away the layers that encased me and show me what a great spirit I have, what a great soul.  From what I've read it sounds like Mike has done that for you.  It's ok to get 'deep,' and it's ok to go back and visit that place, but it's much more fun going forward :)
Hugs!

sanantoniotexas said...

I learned to accept change early on as a child of divorced parents, since then I accept change whenever and whatever form it comes in..I actually find myself getting bored if everything stays the status quo for too long..which I don't know is a good or bad thing..

PJ

justaname4me2 said...

It seems, sometimes in order to appreciate or even recognise the good in life, we must first fall into the place called, loneliness, or despair. Almost like an emotional gage to use against all other things. Delving too deep can bring both enlightment and darkness. Finding the balance between the two seems to be the key I search for most often.
Take care you,
Rebecca

janacassie said...

I know exactly how you feel.

onemoretina said...

    I, too, am a thinker and an analyzer ... which can be good and bad.  Good, because I can look beyond the surface.  Bad because I can become obsessed. Life is such a balancing act, isn't it ?  We spend our whole lives trying to get that balance just right .....  I sometimes wonder if anyone ever does.   Tina

cyndygee said...

That is an unusual painting, sketch, etch . . .  I was told that the one on my journal today is "creepy"! (I'm not hurt, Celeste . . . I'm smiling).  I think it's interesting and I had been wanting to use it . . .  it's just a GIF.  I decided I would just call it a "television commercial".  It SORT of looks like one . .   .   I'm not celebrating them.  It's a little rant that leads to a big rant . . .

I am starting to sound like that silly pointless sing-song poem I learned in the 4th grade . . .I forget the poet (is is ee cummings?):

once there was an elephant that tried to use the telephant . . .
no, no . . .  I mean an elephone who tried to use the telephone

dear me, I've forgotten the song of elephong . . . I forget the rest.  

Now, THAT'S deep!  LOL!  My only excuse is that I've been up with a sick dog ALL NIGHT . .  Yeah, right!  Now, what YOU said made a LOT of sense, Derek.

farmin2getherjnj said...

I have read a few of your most recent entries.  Change is a good thing.......at least when we are making the changes to make ourselves better persons and making changes for our lifes to make things better.  I don't know you personally,  but I can say that I think the changes you are making are making you "Humble" and "Thankful" and more Perseptive to your own needs and persons whom you love.  I think in time the changes we start to make to take different paths in life are because of the trials we learned in the past in which these make us better at knowing ourselves and which paths to follow that make us the happiest. We learn not to tread on past mistakes or past actions as we grow older, we have so much more knowledge and then we really start to let our petals out to blossom !   Blessed Be !   ~*Judy*~

barbpinion said...

Not all changes are bad, though most people tend to see the worst in them. We are always in a state of transition, dear one; whether it be a small one or a crisis. Nothing in life stays the same, especially not us. We evolve from being a baby, dependant upon everybody - to depending upon ourselves. Then, if we are fortunate, we discover that the missing part in our life is GOD; that He alone can fill up those lonely, empty, confusing, frustrated areas of our life. He alone can simplify life. He doesn't change it from what it is, but relying upon Him changes our coping abilities. We discover that without Him we can do nothing, and that without Him in our life - nothing matters. I love reading your entries; learning how you think and what matters to you. So glad you are sharing so much of yourself. I am a deep thinker too, an analyser of everything. Used to analyze too much. Now I have balance and don't miss out on what GOD wants me to see and experience.
((((DEREK))))
*Barb

rivercitygirl1 said...

As I read this entry I thought, "My God this is me".  There are so many similarities here.  I have still yet to work through a lot of my issues.  My problem is that I scared to face them.  I need to because I'm not getting any younger.  ::Sigh::
Tami